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#53013 - 04/15/04 10:11 PM Re: This is hard for me.
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Marc - I've posted a lot of my story here over recent months , bits at a time. I'm 46 and was abused as a 12 year old.

I'm a Production Supervisor with an Electronics Company in the - I sometimes/often wonder?


Dec 18th last year was the peak/trough of experiencing depression. I'd been on a downward spiral for a long time, but at this point 'the boil of poison burst'. I thought I was going completely out of my tree - I could hear everyone around me talking about me, but when I looked at them, they were just getting on with their jobs... no one was talking & with hindsight, none were talking about me at all.

I had it in my head that everyone new what had happened to me (34 years on), and that it was the only thing they were discussing. I felt 'caged'! I also had relatives in my head (long dead) giving me mixed signals about whether I was to blame or not - I was not to blame!

I had a team leader that I trusted & actually asked her if there was something going on that I didn't know about...she looked at me like I was crazy... (but didn't say so) there was nothing going on! I was having a very public breakdown & hardly anyone realised!

One person did... she asked me if I was OK...there was enough of me left to shake my head. That's where the recovery started!

We went into a meeting room at the back of the production area & I briefly explained my 'story'.

She then offered to go anywhere I needed to go after work (was on an early shift that finished around 14:00 hours)... there was only about 10 minutes of the shift left (it was the day we had Christmas Dinner in the Company Restaurant/Canteen & I didn't go...I normally eat quite well).

I didn't know what the hell I wanted to do, but knew I needed help more than I had ever needed anything in my life!

I actually went to my Doctors & forced an appointment (verbally, not physically).

My Doctor asked what the problem was & my exact words were "I think I'm going mad".

He asked why I thought that & for the first time I told someone most of the details. I frightened the hell out of him because I think he is used to old ladies that just go to his surgery to flatter him! I got on a waiting list to see a clinical psychologist...(6 weeks later I got a letter confirming that I was on a waiting list & still waiting..4 months on).

After I spoke to my doctor, I went outside & got into my car - when I closed the door I heard the most frightening sound I ever was me I sounded like a banshee!

When I calmed down (still hysterical compared to 'normal'), I telephoned my Boss & went back to work through the side entrance, just to see her. I repeated the days events to her & frightened the shit out of the second person in one day. She didn't really know what to do, or how to react, but she did arange me some professional counselling. This was just before Christmas, & I had one session before the break, then I fell into limbo.

I found this site on New Years Eve & I've had my moments since then, but I've never really looked back...bit negative at times, but life is much better.

I could ramble on now, but that counselling required one hell of a lot of effort on my part and I am recovering (had 8 sessions now through work & still waiting for NHS to introduce me to a Psychologist). I went back to work in early January... some people think I was off with a virus...some people know.

I still feel a bit mad from time to time, but now I have control over it!

Feeling scared is OK..fear is one of the oldest survival instincts known to man.

Try not to feel ashamed or embarrased - I had a very public breakdown that few people noticed. Those that know only show me concern - they also enusre that I have proper breaks at work.

I am living again now, not just functioning! I have a social life where I laugh heartily. I remember when I went to a social event with friends & heard myself laughing for the first time in ages... it wasn't a mad was the laugh of a happy survivor!

Marc - sorry if I've thrown too much at you, but I hope it helps having a fellow survivor letting you know there is light at the end of that tunnel! We have to look in the right direction, but it's there!

Best wishes ...Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#53014 - 04/15/04 11:12 PM Re: This is hard for me.
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

I want to say something, and I don't want you to think I'm being condecending, false, or anything other than sincere. I do understand what you're saying, because I have been there and I am there.

When my mother died 5 years ago, I went into clinical depression. It was her death that triggered it, yes indeed, but I always understood there was something else. On a conscious level, I always knew something went on with Mr. Price, but I had repressed it. Still, you know, I was always eccentric and mad.

I think it was because I was always the odd kid out and I was always picked on by the others in my school. I had few friends. I was a fatm nerdy, super-intelligent kid with few socialization skills. I didn't have any escape at home, either. Despite my mother's love, and the love of one or two of my siblings, I was picked on by the others and I was emotionally abused by my father for reasons I'll never understand. With all of this, I was sent to see Mr. Price, the school's therapist.

Now, I've detailed my childhood abuse elsewhere, so I'll spare you. What made me a perfect target for him was my lonliness, my deperation for affection and attention. When he started "seducing" me, for lack of a better word, my mind was already compartmentalizing my life. I could NEVER, EVER tell ANYONE about what was going on. I think I did try to tell one of my sisters, but she said, "nothing like that would ever happen to you. You've always been looked after by Mom or one of us." This was something that I've struggled with recently, as the one who's been the MOST supportive of me now was the one who told me that THEN. So, with no one else to tell, or could talk to, my mind splintered further.

It was truly amazing. I could spend most of my school day and home life acting normal, talking like nothing was wrong, and I had this horrible, wonderful SECRET that was mine, all mine. It was something I could take out and put away, and until the abuse turned truly horrible, it was WONDERFUL! God, to think that way now! Then, when it went wrong and truly terrifying, I couldn't tell, because I WANTED it, I was a little FAGGOT that nobody would love if they knew.

After he tried to kill me, I repressed. I repressed until he tried to control me before I left middle school, and I buried it COMPLETELY. Now, I was truly mentally ill, because there was a whole section of my life that was gone and I DIDN'T miss it, for fear of what I'd find.

I acted out, became eccentric, and basically didn't care what people thought of me. I couldn't have a relationship because not only did I feel unworthy of it, but I couldn't trust ANYONE and I KNEW that anyone who tried to get close to me that way would hurt me. Still, I didn't know why, and I was afraid of what I'd find if I poked around.

Flash-forward after the depression and two mental breakdowns. It finally came to the fore, a little at a time, and I was on the verge of total collapse. Every week, every month, another new, horrible detail came forth and would unman me JUST when I thought I was making progress. The attempted murder(s) when I was a BOY and the rape when I was a MAN questioning my sexuality almost broke me. The emotional BRAINWASHING and the pictures he took almost did it.

In short, Marc, I'm a menatally unstable man whose life isn't worth SHIT and I'm trying to simultaneously pull myself out of that abyss while the fates and my own damn foolish choices keep kicking me back down.

In short, I'm mad.

But what makes you and me, the whole damn bunch of us better than madmen and women, is that we want to keep climbing out of the abyss. We have HOPE that tomorrow WILL be better. And you know what, brother? It will be. It already is, because you are taking back your life. In small ways, sure, but by telling your story, by standing up for yourself, by getting the help you need, you are already a better man. And you will CONTINUE to get better.

So you're mad. Guess what? So am I! SO you make mistakes? Guess what? I do too.

I've had people here and in other places tell me that I'm a great, good man. A leader of sorts. Well, if they mean it, that's nice. I certainly don't feel like one. I'm just a man who's trying to get by with a whole lot of crap on his shoulders. But, and I mean this sincerely, Marc, what others see in me, bro, I SEE IN YOU.

You are the one to watch, Marc. You are the one who's going to shame me with your progress. You're the one people are going to call "leader." And you know what? THEY'LL be right.

So feel the way you feel. It's NORMAL. ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NORMAL. And it's from this that your healing is going to come.

But remember what I told you, too. Be GENTLE with yourself. No one's a worse critic of us than WE are of OURSELVES. And, Marc, if anyone deserves to be loved and treated with the compassion that all of us deserve, with all you've been through, is YOU.

Believe me.


Peace and love, Marc. I'm always here for you.


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#53015 - 04/15/04 11:55 PM Re: This is hard for me.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I think that this 'healing' business is fairly new to you, and if it is then your feelings are just the same as many of us have been through.

I know that when I started therapy in 1999 I went in feeling unsure of what was happening. After the first few sessions I felt worse in some strange way, the release of all those years of secrets and shit took a heavy toll on me. But the people around me told me to carry on. Somehow I made the decision to trust them, at that time I certainly didn't trust myself - that came a bit later.

I'm so glad I found that small grain of trust because it changed my life.
Rech out for it Marc, you have that grain of trust somewhere within you, reach out and grab it - use it. It will change your life.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#53016 - 04/16/04 04:52 AM Re: This is hard for me.
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
It sounds like you've decided to stick around and that is a good decision, for you, for us. Peace, Andrew

there is no courage without anxiety

#53017 - 04/16/04 06:10 AM Re: This is hard for me.
MikeNY Offline

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Marc, I can tell that you are a strong person. You wouldn't be pushing yourself as much as you have been if you weren't. Maybe you should try to take it a little slower for a few days. I want to tell you something that many people here do from time to time, they just read the posts. You don't need to feel obligated to post or to respond. If you need to take things a little slower, please do so. Only write things that YOU are comfortable writing or talking about. Trying to push too much too fast can basically cause a sensory overload. Please, go at your own pace. We have a tendency to push ourselves too far sometimes.

"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

#53018 - 04/16/04 02:32 PM Re: This is hard for me.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Amen to all!!!! And I am really glad that you have decided you are with us for the long haul. \:D




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