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#529648 - 12/02/18 10:12 PM Confused and unsure *possible trigger*
djg2769 Offline

Registered: 11/30/18
Posts: 1
Loc: Austin, TX
I am in my twenties and will preface this by saying I have been sober from alcohol and drugs for nearly 2 years (2 years on Dec. 19th). I have been involved in AA and have seen an addiction counselor throughout my time in sobriety. One of the issues that I have yet to face or tell anyone is about my experience of possible child on child sex abuse when I was between the ages of 10-13. This is something that I have for the most part blocked out of my memory but I have been thinking about it more and more as I have more sobriety under my belt and continue to mature emotionally.

I grew up in a well off family and we had a housekeeper from the time I was very young. She is like a second mother to me, and she continues to work for my family. In the summer months when school was out she would often bring her daughter over while she was working. Her daughter, who I will call "Jane", was roughly almost 5 years older than me.

Starting when I was 10 Jane began to touch me inappropriately when we were in a room alone (often watching tv) and would place my hands in her shirt and pants. I have a hard time recalling exactly how I was feeling in the moment, but I knew it was not something that my friends of the same age were doing. The touching would usually escalate quickly and she would often perform oral sex on me and would put my fingers inside her. I do remember being so overwhelmed and shaken by this experience that my pre-pubescent body simply could not handle it, and trying to push her head away from my genitals. I never told anyone about this as I was embarrassed and often didn't think that it was that big of a deal. This continued for several years on and off (depending on whether school was in or not). I eventually did hit puberty while these encounters were occurring and even thought I enjoyed it once I hit around 12 and I was able to have an orgasm. I still never told anyone as I was embarrassed that I was having these experiences before my other friends.

Once I got close to the age of 14 this all ceased because she was leaving for college. My life became more normal as I entered high school. I had more normal sexual encounters with girls my own age. I became very angry in high school despite being your average teenager. I played sports, was involved in extra curricular and had friends. I was often triggered by very small encounters with friends, family, and girls and reached a point where I had to see a therapist about it. As I continued through high school I began to experiment with drugs and alcohol. I started to notice that when I drank and used drugs that I did it differently then my friends but just chalked it up to me being young. After high school I went off to college and my drinking and drug use escalated severely to a point where I could not function like a normal person on a day to day basis. I was constantly strung out, drunk, or high and damaged a lot of relationships that I had made. I still had a lot of built up anger and often thought of my self as less than everyone else.

To bring things back full circle, I got clean towards the end of my time in college and did a lot of 12 step work about my addiction. I made amends towards the people I had hurt and I am learning to deal with life as it comes at me. However, I did notice that a lot of my resentments that I had and continue to have tend to be geared towards women. I am a heterosexual male and continue to have sexual encounters with women but I find myself unable to have any intimate connection. I often use women to get what I want and resent those who don't live up to my standards. I have never had a girlfriend and I seem to wonder if my experience as child is one of the reasons that caused my alcohol and drug addiction as well as the way I view and treat women. I find myself unable to be emotionally available because that is the easiest way to keep myself from getting hurt. I have had girls who are interested in me, but as soon as it gets serious I usually run as far away as possible. I am just tired of not being able to establish any genuine connections with a sexual partner.

Overall, I am just very confused on if my experience as a child constitutes sexual abuse because as I got older I physically enjoyed it. I am also unsure about if my experience as a child has affected the my life in terms of how I treat and view women today and if it is a contributor to my alcohol and drug addiction.

I apologize for the length of this post and if it gets off topic at certain points. I am just trying to paint a complete picture. I appreciate any insight and wanted to share my experience. I hope that one day I will have the courage to talk about this with someone in person but until then I am left posting on here looking for answers. Thanks again.

Edited by djg2769 (12/02/18 10:12 PM)

#529650 - 12/02/18 10:29 PM Re: Confused and unsure *possible trigger* [Re: djg2769]
Esterio Offline

Registered: 07/11/17
Posts: 540
Loc: south west coast canada bc
Hi dig2769

Welcome to MS, sorry for what you went through to need a place like this. Glad you were able to find us. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help. As you get to know the site you will sadly see you are not even close to being alone. It helps a lot to talk to someone that understands because they have been where you have. Our stories are very different until you look at the out come, we all seem to struggle with a lot of the same things going on in our lives.

I hope this site is as much help to you as it has been for many.

Take Care
Peace be safe.

#529660 - 12/03/18 11:47 AM Re: Confused and unsure *possible trigger* [Re: djg2769]
DavidM-LT Offline

Registered: 07/28/15
Posts: 56
Loc: Lithuania
Hi dig!
Welcome! But I’m also sorry that you need to be here. As esterio said, you’re in a good place here!

It really does take a lot of courage to reach out for help, especially with something so intimate. Congratulations! And congratulations in a huge way for your sobriety!! That’s huge!

I’m not a therapist. But having been abused myself, in more ways than one, dealing with many other people through the years, and my own therapy for the abuse.... personally I’d say you’re on the right track with your thinking. Your experience probably did cause or at least contribute to your anger and addiction.

I can say with all the confidence in the world that what you describe with Jane was abuse. Enjoying it, even if it was eventually enjoying, doesn’t matter. That doesn’t diminish it being abuse. And I think it’s pretty safe to say that your experience also colors the issues you have with relating to women. It’s sadly a huge effect of CSA (child sexual abuse).

One thing, among meany, that has helped me immensely is just seeing that there are others who have the same feelings as me, the same struggles. Somehow it helps to confirm the horrid ness of what we’ve experienced. And without the confirmation, it’s almost like the thing never happened. But it stays there in your head. And it’s so horrible, that you don’t want it to be true, and at the same time you know it’s true. Talking about it helps verify that it’s true, hearing that what you’re feeling is “normal” because it’s an effect of the abuse helps make it clearer. And when it gets clearer, when there’s confirmation you can heal from it, because it becomes a real thing.

I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for here to help you out!

We’re all here for you, and with you!
God is with us in all things, always!

#529684 - 12/03/18 09:37 PM Re: Confused and unsure *possible trigger* [Re: djg2769]
Ceremony Offline

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 2968
Loc: Minnesota
Hello djg, Like Esterio and David M, welcome to this group, where you'll find validation and experience looking at ourselves and managing the parts of us we're working on. To me, there does become a time where some things settle, which then opens a path to dealing with something I really had/have hoped to. I'm currently doing something like that. You'll find a lot of guys share what they've been doing, and that experience helps a lot.

When I finally got sober at 39, on March 20, 2000, A lot of things began churning there way back to me. The memories I suppressed, and had forced away were not staying down. I could see how poorly I felt and dealt with things with isolation, so that by the time I needed others support, I've become nearly alone. I'm glad you're seeking some answers and support. I believe you'll find both here. It's always suggested to take time to figure out what's feeling right, and there are guidelines for the forum to help. That "trigger" warning is appreciated.

It took a little while, but I've found the length of time a trigger hits me can bee seen, and looked after. The therapy works really good to give me what homework I crave to steer me into a healing path. Like sobriety, my first sponsor helped me finally make it to a sober date. Then many meetings for many years kept me able to manage. That experience has translated to this cptsd parts of me now that I'm here. The anger you mention, the confusion and awkwardness about girls in your later teens resonates. Confusion in teens is expected, but the mind games brought out by confusion from an imbalanced sexual encounter during childhood isn't fair. We're at a disadvantage with so many influences that dismiss us, confuse us, and seem to manage quieting us.

I have found that isn't what happens here. We're able to get to the work. I too can see the imbalance of power, an older teen, and you so young, it's not fair. She would have known more, and would have had to plan the encounters to avoid discovery. I think that's part of what's missed with our confusion. How did it happen and nobody would know? The first answer for me has been I hid it, and that's seemed common. The second answer is that anyone who could be noted as a care giver, didn't notice any change in behavior, or other cue.

I hope that you'll find a therapist whose trained in childhood sexual trauma. The correlation with abusing drugs and alcohol becomes clearer with a good therapist.

Edited by Ceremony (12/03/18 09:38 PM)

#529738 - 12/06/18 11:12 AM Re: Confused and unsure *possible trigger* [Re: djg2769]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2931
Loc: Newark, England
Hi Djg.

Your certainly not alone, though sadly its not talked about often. This is sounding very familiar to me, and definitely not in a good way.

I had a lot of inappropriate touching from groups of girls at school between 12 and 15, culminating in what I can describe as public gang rape and sexual humiliation.

The fact that the abuser is female doesn't matter, indeed one exercise which helped me is imagine if the genders were swapped, since I don't think there would be any ambiguity about some fifteen year old boy getting sexual with a ten year old girl.

The confusion about relationships, anger and self destructive tendencies are also thing I've experienced, albeit for me in a slightly different way.
The good news is things will get better, and posting here on this site is definitely a good place to start, albeit its not easy.

Good luck.



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