What can I add to the good words these good men have already shared with you, except:
You know how they say everyone has a double somewhere in the world?
Well, are you my double?
Or am I yours?
My name is Victor and I was sexually abused at a young age, I can't even remember how old I was.
My name is also Victor, and I also can't remember when my SA (sexual abuse) began, but I was probably two or less, becuz I don't think my late brother was born yet. Definitely no more than three becuz my father was still around.
It was an older male cousin whom first showed me how to masturbate, then gave me pornography to masturbate to and finally convinced me to have sex with him.
I was also incested, first by my mother & father, later from about ages 4-10 by my mother, along others, family & "friends of the family."
I was addicted to sexual fantasy, porn & m*sturb*tion by the time I was 9 or 10.
This abuse went on over time from when I was a young child until I was in junior high school. I began to refuse his advances because I felt what we were doing was wrong, but at the same time I was really attracted to doing it. That's how it ended, we never talked about it since and I still see him occasionally.
My abuse also ended right about the time I started
into jr high. This was soon after, at age 10 or 11, my mother sold me to a gay couple that took me to their apartment & r*ped me.
That ended my sexual abuse. My mother put me in a children's home, allegedly becuz I was a bad boy & she couldn't control me. The truth is she couldn't control me by incesting me sexually & emotionally anymore. She was probably also afraid I would tell about the gay couple rape. Groundless fear. I forgot almost as soon as it happened. I had to in order to survive.
The only perp whose whereabouts I know or whom I've had any, tho little contact over the years is my mother, whom when I began to remember my abuse in flashbacks about 18 months ago, I broke all contact with.
The most difficult thing for me is that now I am 20 years old, my second year in college and I am living almost 2,000 miles away from all family. I spend a lot of my time moping over my loneliness, feeling extremely depressed and helpless. In high school my grades were descent because I did not have to try very hard to get good grades, but in college I am finding that I fall apart easily, get distracted easily, have extreme trouble sleeping and waking up, and feel unmotivated regardless of all the efforts I try to motivate myself. Now I have a mediocre g.p.a.
Actually I have no family of origin around I know of, except in California where my mother is, also her brother & one of his daughters. My family is my wife & two daughters, both of whom are now in college. And my wife's family, up north.
Victor, my grades dropped off starting in high school, which was when I was put in the children's
home. I got thru high school like you becuz I didn't have to try very hard to get by in grades.
When I graduated & left the home I continued to wander aimlessly, lonely & depressed, until I was 22, when I had a spiritual experience that began the change in my life. As did my second & current marriage, about a year later, which has lasted 23 years.
So I guess in a way I was then kinda where you are now, in college.
The good news & the bad news is that you are starting to deal with all this a lot earlier than I did. Bad becuz it hurts. Good becuz you are feeling, you know the truth, and as you deal with it, that truth will set you free.
Me, I buried all my memories deep down until about a year & a half ago, at almost age 45, 35 years after the last abuse incident.
I have been seeing a therapist for over a year twice a month and it has helped me a lot. Seeing this therapist has helped me even admit what happened to me when I was younger.
Fellow survivor, I've seen 4 therapists in the last 13 years, pretty regularly, beginning in school, tho it was for my masters degree. Only after a year or so with my current T (therapist) did my abuse memories unclog & come out. So I've been dealing with them for about 20 months.
I'm glad that already you've found a good T to work with, and you're off to a good early start.
I am also on an anti-depressant, but even that only helps so much. This semester has turned out terrible, I considered dropping out of college and returning home even though I only have a year of classes left. I feel that my world is a broken vehicle I've been trying to drive for the last two years, and I'm at the point where I need to have the engine rebuilt or else I'm going to go no where.
Victor, I've been on antidepressants 10-11 years. Yes the help is limited, but I've tried going off the one I'm on, or even cutting back the dosage, and ouch, I can't do it. Not yet anyway.
I'm glad you're hanging in there with college. Keep driving, survivor brother; it sounds like you're already getting some good engine work done.
Hey that old car got you here anyway--and I'm glad it did.
I need to hear from other men who've had this happen to them if what I am going through is normal, and what I can do to try to repair it. I constantly make myself feel like a victim, and use that as an excuse for failure.
What you're going thru is a normal reaction to the abnormal actions that were perpetrated against you. Feeling like & living like a victim is hard to break when you've been treated like one for so long. As you continue to get help instead of making excuses, you are moving from victim to survivor. You are.
At the same time my professors don't know about my problems so they just see me as another lazy student. Has anyone in a similar situation as me had to deal with professors to try to get them to understand what is happening? Should I come out and tell them what happened to me? Is there a discreet way to help them understand?
My first T was a prof at the postgrad school I attended, whom I did have for some classes. The second was an upper grad psych student who worked at the school.
But it never occured to me to talk to my profs about the struggles I had, becuz I didn't know what they were about yet myself. Also I somehow
managed to get pretty good grades, a case of throwing myself into my "work" to ease the pain I was trying to keep buried.
You might talk to a school counselor or advisor even just in general terms, with which they might with your permission be able to "cover for you" with the profs--or help you find courage to talk to them yourself if you want or need to.
Also what are some good resources online, and offline, to visit in order to meet other men sexually abused as children? My university is in a small town so I'm not so sure what I could find out here.
OK maybe I'm a biased moderator here. But I've been in recovery support about 20 months. I've found no site for male survivors of SA (sexual abuse) that comes close to this one, and believe me I looked! Like you I live in a (doubtless much smaller) town (no university thats for sure!) and live support for anything is scarce around here!
That's why I've been here since last August, joined in October, and have been a moderator since about then. This is just plain a great supportive brotherhood of survivors! Lots of good forums on the DB (Discussion Board), chat rooms, and a lot of links to great articles, books, helpful sites and resources, off the main page. The administration & leadership of this site are terrific men all of them.
Don't give up on finding live support groups either. You might even check with your school, and with your T. It took me all this time to find
just a couple of months ago, a live male survivor support group. Meets on Saturday mornings, only every other week, and is an hour & a half one way, but it's worth it!
I haven't been to church in many years, are they even a good resource to consider?
As a Christian & regular active church member for years, I must give a mixed response to your question. It depends on whether you are just looking for a good place to worship & find fellowship in general, and if you can find one. Or are you looking for a church that has a pastor, counselor or group that ministers specifically to male survivors of SA or at least to traumatized persons in general? That could be somewhat harder to find, but it's possible, believe me.
Also check for churches that might have "outside" groups meeting in their facilities; that's like the one I go to.
Well Victor take care.