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#527336 - 09/24/18 01:17 AM Evening Joylessness turns to day....***possible **
Hopein14 Offline

Registered: 03/07/14
Posts: 53
Loc: FL
I saw a picture of a mans amazing transformation on a gay dating hook up site, and the pictures combined with my acting out and engaging in random hook up with a man tonight hits me hard in the gut wondering what is wrong with me? I was uninterested, the “ hook up” was even more uninterested and while the physical release was not unpleasant, it’s the immediate and even during, that I’m trying to figure out why do I continue to seek out what I don’t enjoy nor want anything to do with immediately after, and what is it that keeps me hitting the m2m outcomes which are dead ends for me, and I convince myself not to put forth any effort in trying to get laid the way and with the gender I want to, and to have that woman laying in my arms , and her softness is the complete opposite of all that is rough about me. Some therapist once told me, the why’s of behaviors is not the answer you should be focused on, it’s the what can you do differently to not land at the same place that leaves you as broken now at 52; as you felt at 25, and 12, and 8 or 9 when the abuse started. But it is the why that I am killing mylife trying to undo, or clarify, and the step forward ever taken is self sabotaged by the fourteen steps back, sideways and anywhere but toward me.
I just hit 52, divorcing, recently relocated to Florida from Connecticut for a job offer, and I had one time in my life when I went after fitness with the gusto intended , and I then stopped, career , family, bad habits,worse decisions. I have this literal brand new opportunity in South Florida , this brand new chance to look like the Man I am, to have those collateral positive effects thunder through all aspects of my life, like they did when I had fitness as a great buddy twenty years ago. And I do nothing, for engage with no one and I sink farther away from what I need in my life. I think, get a trainer, find the right gym, get set for home, bike, eat right , and on and on and on, I feel sorry for myself and I can at least admit that putrid self defeating and outwardly defining behavior. I have no friends, and make less effort to make any. The weight of change is not heavier yet then the weight of not moving and staying stuck, really not assigning any significance to my very existence, being the person I least like, joyless, and nobody would know I felt like this.
Nobody does, and I stay here where I don’t change, but keep to the poor choices and actions that have never given me any other end but feeling and being the me I am.
52 years old and still chasing the evasive authenticity of who I am, trying the opposite of what I would normally do, its my year of saying "yes"and looking for a friendship based on my whole story, warts and all, that would be my first

#527343 - 09/24/18 10:20 AM Re: Evening Joylessness turns to day....***possible ** [Re: Hopein14]
Ceremony Offline

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 2967
Loc: Minnesota
It's good to see you reaching out Hopein14. Some, and see this with the nuance attempted, of what you convey is where I need to be.

My example is a broken marriage, needing to end. It's also a very stuck situation, which leads to how you react to being stuck resonating with me.

Here, I often deal with the emotions by seeking escape, or to flee. To fight might look like getting in contact with a lawyer, or looking for an apartment and assistancr. Things, that just thinking about then trigger flight. I don't see a way out, and getting out is a way to see why I need to. What a pile on of twisted thinking.

I know the catch 22 I create is a way to stay stuck, and it's my creation. An adult will take action, but I'm triggering deep fears. They're perceived, but I find them valid.

You describe the soft female body, and YES , of course, you, and for me, I need that. But, some of where we see ourselves inhibits, or distances us from where our self is. What is wanted, tied up in knots with passions, dreams, and TOO much grieving. That last hits me like a ton of bricks.

I can imagine you've still got grieving to process? It's a valid burden to have.

#527348 - 09/24/18 03:29 PM Re: Evening Joylessness turns to day....***possible ** [Re: Hopein14]
Chris4TheMill Offline

Registered: 05/16/17
Posts: 692
Loc: NY / NJ Area
I've spent the last several months eating more junk food and sugar than usual, and feeling depressed (no surprise there). I've been very unmotivated as far as tackling projects that are long overdue. I also discovered Spotify, and my latest distraction has been making playlists on Spotify and listening to them - often for hours at a time.

Well yesterday I got a bit of a wake-up call that shocked me out of my complacency. Today I'm getting hold of my recent malaise before it shipwrecks my life. It's no secret that the bad diet leads to depression and cognitive issues.
I'm figuring out ways to reduce sugar. I had a big salad for lunch. I've been exercising but not consistently. I'm going to aim for some small but focused steps. Because I know from experience that trying to change all at once is too overwhelming.

Ceremony has a really good point about grieving too. If you can get to that place where you can grieve over your past or even your present, it really helps with letting go of past pain, and giving clarity to your present. I did some grieving recently over a breakup, and I was able to move forward from it in ways that I wouldn't have been able to in years prior.

#527363 - 09/25/18 10:43 AM Re: Evening Joylessness turns to day....***possible ** [Re: Hopein14]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 4200

It seems you are stuck in a cycle of behavior that you developed as a way to respond to the abuse, it holds you captive, it buries your true emotions that probably were stunted by the abuse. The abuse perpetrated by a male left an imprint in your mind as to what sex should be--an act, a release, unemotional and not what it truly is meant to be. I have come to learn, the absence of emotion, the asking why I am doing this or fleeing and detaching into acts that are not remembered may indicate you are not fulfilled but rather reacting or escaping to redefine the abuse.

Letting go and as Ceremony has said, grieving the loss of the child can alter how we see ourselves and the world.

You state you desire the comfort of a woman but cannot make an effort to connect. Yes, for me having a compassionate and kind woman (and for others a man) makes the desire and connection much more pleasurable, filled with emotion and not something one is going through the motions. The fulfillment increased as I freed myself from the abuse and abuser, no longer was he there in my head as we were in the moment. Taking control of yourself and the abuse will give you a sense of self that you have buried. You will be able to seek the sexual relations you desire and it will allow you to live the orientation that you are and not one masked by the abuse.

I have found daily affirmations help me to stay focused on the good within me, putting a positive attitude into my life. In the past, I dwelled silently in the negative, the abuse, how I saw myself which allowed others to inflict their negative energies into me which I readily accepted. I also have been doing a gratitude journal--in the morning writing down at least 5 things that I am grateful for from the day before. When I started it was a very short list, I was missing the good in my life. You are starting over--it is an opportunity to shed bad habits, bad self perceptions, bad behaviors and find what makes you happy. I wish you the best.



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