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#52742 - 07/11/03 01:27 PM Re: Jimmy's Fall
ernie Offline

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Thank you

The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

#52743 - 07/11/03 02:24 PM Re: Jimmy's Fall
confused_n_alone Offline

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 31
Loc: Ottawa Ontario Canada

I wanted to stop reading so very badly but i was drawn to the finish
you have a powerful voice and a gift with word..

Please continue with this

there is so many ways you can percieve what you are saying and for me at least it is hope for that light when i can't see one right now


A Jouney starts with one step
A Trip starts With Friends

#52744 - 07/11/03 09:34 PM Re: Jimmy's Fall
jimrh Offline

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
I appreciate all the encouragement from everyone and all the kind private messages that people have sent.

I will continue the story as soon as I can get Jimmy to come out of his hiding place. Reality is that I wrote this story after Jimmy came our from hiding just this past week with the help of a great friend in this MS.ORG group.

Please be aware that not everything in this 'story' is true (I think), however many parts are.

Maybe that inner child stuff is not all crap?

You guys really make me feel good, and I appreciate that immensely. You are all my brothers.


#52745 - 07/27/03 12:45 PM Re: Jimmy's Fall
jimrh Offline

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
Chapter 2 -

Was this all a dream? Jimmy's mind raced as he slept. His body could feel the warmth and protection enveloped around him, yet he doubted it was real. He must still be down in the well, he was dying, surely and now his mind was spinning in anticipation of it's demise. Surely being pulled out of the well by angels who then turned into fireflies was a dream. Surely the comfort of Ludger was not real.

His minded kicked him awake, he heard a cricket off to his left. He felt Ludger hunched over him, breathing slowly, asleep? Jimmy moved slightly and Ludger sat up. Jimmy looked up and could see his face in the moonlight. His hair came down in his face slightly, Jimmy asked "are you an angel"? "No Jimmy, I am only an Earth-Angel." "What is the difference?"

"Earth-Angels cannot fly and cannot turn themselves into fireflies, Earth-Angels also cannot see tomorrow, they only see right now." Ludger whispered.

"Can you become a real Angel then?" asked Jimmy curiously. "I don't know.... Perhaps you and I can figure it out" answered Ludger.

"You saved me from that scary well and you are protecting me from bad people, I will pray to God that he will make you an Angel with giant wings made of Gold, wings that will make you fly to the moon if you want, or to Mars or even to the bottom of the ocean.....I will pray that you can fly wherever you want with real angel wings. even to Disneyworld to see Mickey. I would really like to see Mickey. Is Mickey real, Ludger? Is he an angel?" asked Jimmy. "We shall see Jimmy, we shall see....sleep now" Ludger caressed Jimmy's face, Jimmy felt at once content and peace, his eyes closing without caution. This time Jimmy slept, without dreams, without nightmares, just pure innocent sleep.

When the sun was warming Jimmy's face, he felt a fly buzzing around his nose, irritating him. He tried to brush it away, waving his hand in the air then without realizing where he was swinging, swung wildly and back-handed Ludger's cheek, startling him away. "Hey, what's that for?" yelled Ludger. "Sorry, I didn't realize ...I didn't mean, I mean...I'm sorry, I was trying to get rid of a fly" Jimmy said as he crouched instinctively into a fetal position, anticipating now that Ludger would punish him.

Jimmy knew that he had ruined it, now his friend would,….no he HAD to hit him, he HAD to punish him for being bad. He started to shake wildly ready for the strike that had to come from Ludger.

Instead Ludger saw that Jimmy was reacting only in the way that he knew; Ludger leaned over and grabbed Jimmy in his arms and held him close and tight. "Jimmy, it's ok, it's ok, really, I know you didn't mean to hit me, I'm not going to hurt you" said Ludger.

"Believe me Jimmy, I will not hurt you ever; do you trust me?" said Ludger. "Yyyyyyeeaaah, I think I do" Jimmy said pensively.

Running into the classroom, Jimmy knew it was going to be a fun day. After all, today was the class Christmas party. His 1st teacher, Mrs. Anderson, arranged it all. She had mixed up all the names of the students and then assigned each child a name and sent the name home with a letter to parents asking the parents to purchase something small, nothing more than a dollar or two, and allow the child to wrap for the others. Jimmy’s mom bought a small stuffed Muppets character, seen recently on the Ed Sullivan Show, she knew the kids would find cute.

He ran in and placed his gift underneath the tree that was in the front corner of the classroom. All of the kids were wild with anticipation. They said the pledge of allegiance then listed as Mrs. Anderson told them what they’d be doing today. Mostly it was about the Christmas party, with the great cupcakes that Mrs. Anderson baked the night before, and the gifts. Yes the gifts….they could hardly wait. They knew that they had a spelling lesson to get through first, then it was time for recess and finally after the mid morning recess, the party they’d been waiting weeks for. Outside, it was cold, mid December in central Germany can be cold. Out here in the far suburbs of Mainz, the US Army had place the elementary school, only reasonably reached by bus. All of the kids had to be bussed from the housing area. Only the older kids were able to walk to the local school. Junior and High School were local. Elementary was at least 10 km away.

On Jimmy’s first day (a few months ago), he had to ride the bus alone and was terrified. He had started mid part into the fall session of 1st grade, late October. He was used to this by now, but it still hurt to leave the familiarity of his old school. He had gone to kindergarten then started 1st grade in one school. Then his father, a soldier in the US Army, was transferred to Mainz, Germany. That first day, it was very cloudy and cold. His mom brought him to the junior high school where the elementary bus picked up the kids for their school, somewhere far away. She had told him what his teacher’s name was and put a tag on his jacket so that the teachers would look for him when he arrived at the new school. Then they could show him where to go. He’d never been there before.

Jimmy got on the bus with the other kids and sat as far back as he could, making sure he was alone. Good, he thought, no-one seemed to notice. He stared out the window, watching every car that went by. Counting the houses. He knew he would have to talk to his new teacher, but he didn’t know who she was. What was her name? Suddenly he couldn’t remember. I started to sweat. Now, if he didn’t know her name, how would he figure out where to go? How could he ask? His feet began to tingle. They always did that. It felt like they were turning under, like a leaf does when it starts to die of thirst. Then the palms of his hands began to tingle. Ok, gotta figure out what to do, Jimmy thought. But he couldn’t. He was so distraught at not remembering his teacher’s name that everything else was blank. He knew he was lost. And as soon as the bus arrived, all the kids would know where they were going, except for him. What would he do?

The big green bus pulled up to the school. It was in typical German fashion. Yellow stucco with tiled roof. Looked to Jimmy like any of the other buildings on the military post.

All of the kids scurried out the bus, Jimmy sat there for a second, then knew he had to get out. As he walked toward the door of the bus, he began to feel weak, then his eyes welled up. He knew he couldn’t control it any more. That feeling of helplessness was now completely in control and he was loosing it fast. As he stepped onto the sidewalk and looked to the school, he saw all the kids running inside…doors opened by some teachers. Maybe one of them was his?

Jimmy wanted so badly to be back in his old school. At least there he’d know where to go. He’d know his teacher. He’d know the kids he played with on the play ground. Here he was completely lost. He had to be a big boy. Just like mommy said. She knew he was a big boy and could handle it. But Jimmy couldn’t. He stood there. He began to cry.

The bus pulled away. Jimmy stood there alone. After a while, a woman wearing funny glasses walked up and asked who his teacher was. “I don’t remember” Jimmy whispered. “What’s your name?” asked the woman. “Jim”. “Okay, Jim, let’s go see if we can figure out where you should be, you must be new here, right?” asked the woman. “Yeah”.

After looking Jimmy up in the main office and figuring out he should be in Mrs. Anderson’s class, she walked Jimmy up the stairs to his new classroom. As the door opened, Jimmy wiped the last evidence of tears away from his cheeks. Mrs. Anderson stopped what she was saying mid sentence and asked Jimmy to come in and introduce himself to the class. Jimmy didn’t understand her and lowered his eyes. He had to stop it, NOW, he could cry again. Not in front of all the other kids. No one had ever asked him to talk in front of everyone like this before. Jimmy spoke softly. She told Jimmy it was nice having him in the class and made everyone say out loud “Welcome Jim”. Then she went back to her discussion about spelling words that began with “sh”.

Jimmy looked around. There were maybe 15 other kids in his class; his desk was near the back. Good spot he thought. So long as the other kids don’t notice him, he would be ok.

During recess, Jimmy did his favorite thing, even though it was bitingly cold. He climbed the big old tree and sat there looking down at the kids playing. He didn’t like playing with the others. He knew he wasn’t good enough. He couldn’t run fast enough for tag. He couldn’t play kick ball because he couldn’t even kick the ball. Anything Jimmy seemed to do, the other kids ridiculed. So he just didn’t do any of it. That way he wouldn’t be noticed. He’d sit in the tree and look over the fenced in playground to the edge of the trees and watch below as sometimes a train would go by. In the mid 1960’s coal fired trains were still the norm in Germany. Jimmy liked to watch them, thinking how powerful they were belching all that smoke and steam. And the noise. Where as the train going? Maybe up north to Hamburg. He dreamed of running and jumping onto the last car and riding all the way to Hamburg. Maybe the conductor’d catch him. If so, maybe he’d like Jimmy, maybe he’d give him some warm chocolate on the train. Tell him about working on the railroad. Maybe he’d. like Jimmy. Maybe he’d hug Jimmy and tell him he was ok. Tell Jimmy he wasn’t a shithead.

Suddenly the recess bell rang. Now it was time for the Christmas party. All the kids were excited about the party and yes of course the special surprise of the gifts. They only cared about what present they’d get. They wondered. That anticipation gleam was in their eyes and Mrs. Anderson saw it and loved it. This was what Christmas was all about.

The children all ran to their desks, hoping that Mrs. Anderson would say it is time. Not a sound was made. She knew the intense effect that this was having on the kids. She asked them to come up front and gather around the tree. She explained the meaning behind the giving, of course no-one listened very much. She knew it was a lost cause. So she began to hand out the presents. It would be perfect. Every child would be given another’s name, everyone would bring in a small present and everyone would be happy that it is Christmas. Mrs. Anderson handed out the gifts one by one. One by one. Mark, Alicia, Susannah, Thomas, John,…..all 15 of the children in her class. Jimmy sat near the back and as each name was read off, he said, ok, my name will be next. My name will be next.

Finally there was one gift left under the tree. Jimmy anticipated that his name would be on it. He was last. Mrs. Anderson reached for it. Then she read the name.

“Mrs. Anderson…awww for me!”. She smiled as she looked at the class. She knew that some child’s mother had thought enough to send an extra gift for her as well. She opened it, it was a box of white powder for ladies. She smiled and said she loved it.

All of the children played with their new toys, Mrs. Anderson tried to regain control of the class by asking them to pick up their trash and go back to their desks so that they could get some cookies and Kool Aid.

As Jimmy walked out of the class to catch the bus, he reached down and silently dropped his cookies into the trash. He’d already returned the Kool Aid. He looked back at Mrs. Anderson. She noticed him and smiled…wished him Merry Christmas. They wouldn’t be back for almost 3 weeks.

The bus pulled away. In 30 minutes he’d be back at the Junior High, walking back home. He looked out the window of the bus. The kids were all hyper about both the gifts they’d received and the fact that Christmas vacation was in full swing. Jimmy watched the snow begin to fall.

:p He wanted to be a snowflake. Then he could fall, settle on the ground and finally melt after some time

And no one would notice.

#52746 - 07/27/03 03:54 PM Re: Jimmy's Fall
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

Thank you for sharing this. I wish I had a gift that Christmas for little Jimmy. May the blessings of Christmas envelope him forever.


"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#52747 - 07/27/03 05:19 PM Re: Jimmy's Fall
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Jim, you have a terrific talent for writting. I could see Jimmy, and feel something of what he must have felt. You see, there was a Bobby who had a life much like a lot like Jimmies.

All children are so precious. Jimmy was especially precious. And Jim still is. What I used to ridicule as the "inner child crap" has become more real and important for me. You have just made it crystal clear that we need to understand, that the Jimmy, who is so easy to love, and who makes us want to pick him up, and tell him how beautiful he is, how wonderful he is, what joy he gives us--can be loved, treasured, honored, and scooped up in our caring, protective arms.

Jim, your story is astonishingly beautiful and moving. What a gift you have given us. Give yourself a gift Jim, even a little gift, and I hope that Jimmy in you will be thrilled to have it.

Thanks, thanks, thanks for sharing your gift with us.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#52748 - 07/27/03 05:30 PM Re: Jimmy's Fall
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Jim the first one was really good, and I had to take a break. So I will read the second one in a few days. I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment.


Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#52749 - 07/27/03 05:36 PM Re: Jimmy's Fall
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Jim it is a very emotional post for me my brother. Glad to see that you are healing.



#52750 - 07/27/03 07:39 PM Re: Jimmy's Fall
guy43 Offline

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota

In a good way you've brought back memories of my boyhood. Some of them hurt, some are bittersweet.

In response I've written a piece of my own truth. It can be found clicking this link.

Jim, I have nothing to give you in return for the precious understanding your writing shows for the little boys in me (dare I say all of us?).


#52751 - 07/28/03 02:09 AM Re: Jimmy's Fall
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907

Oh, my, little Jimmy strikes again, right into our've got us now.

Beautiful, Jim, just beautiful.

Brother David

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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