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#52582 - 03/12/03 10:21 PM Re: The Choice is Yours
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

Early in recovery, at a conference, we were all asked what one thing we could change in our past if we could.

My immediate thot was of course being abused.

But then I started to think of what course my life might have taken: Would I have ever met my wonderful wife? Had two wonderful daughters? Would things be even worse? Would I have the compassion I now have for the traumatized & ill? Or would I just be wrapped up in the rat race, caught in the rat trap of keeping up with the Joneses whoever they are?

So I answered the question saying that I would change nothing. I thot maybe I'm weird or a glutton for punishment or something. But no in some form nearly everyone whose responses I heard,
most of the group, answered the same.

A question I've been exploring with a good friend recently is would I even care about the intimacy I long for yet have so much trouble living in? I mean at least I want it. So many "normal" people seemingly could care less. So who's "normal"?

Now that doesn't mean I expect everyone or anyone else to answer that question the way I did, or to see "the silver lining on the cloud of abuse." After all I've just started seeing it myself.

And I'd be lying if I said I wish I could have the family & good things I have now without the abuse? Damn, who wouldn't?!

Being a survivor & recovering from SA is a process
& it has ups & downs, I suspect no matter how long you're at it. There is a time to mourn & a time to dance, a time to weep & a time to rejoice.

What's great is that here we can weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who are rejoicing!


Hang in here and draw in our support as we soak in your poetic words of wisdom & beauty.


For a time my theme song coulda been "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" by Linda Ronstadt. Now it's more like Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down!"


Perfect world or not, I'm grateful for who you are in this world.

Bro, any male survivor would do mighty well to have you as a counselor!


"I wanna be like Scotty!"

Hey, it also took me about 35 years, from the last SA incident at age 10 to recover memories & begin recovery at 45, 20 months ago.

Thanks for sharing your ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope)!


Because I am not fully recovered, does it mean I am still a victim? Or choosing to be a victim?
No. What is fully recovered anyway? Life, recovery or not, is a process; we are in that process as long as we live. Where there is life, there is hope, there is recovery, there is growth.

Am I a victim because I hurt and am in pain and am trying to recover?
No, that's what makes you a survivor. A victim doesn't feel the pain without trying to bury it, take it out on someone else, medicate it, etc. Victims don't try to recover. Survivors do.

Or am I survivor just because I am alive inspite of everything that has happened.
Yes! You are a survivor, Cog!

I think it is because of the nature of this site -- that it is normal, and even expected that there will be a lot of intensity and raw emotions of the negative sort. I find it unrealistic to expect everyone to be at the same level. Some are at the bottom, and some are at the top.
IMNSHO you are right about the nature of this site
and that it's unrealistic to expect everyone to be at the same level. Or at least the same place.

I don't see it as a matter of levels, top to bottom. I see it this way: We all started our life's journey in different places and have gone thru many similar & many very different experiences since we began, each of us. So we're just all in different yet equal places, becuz we're all equal.

In short, there is no caste system & there are no
upper or lower classes in this MS community. I don't think anybody wants to imply that. I certainly don't think you ought to feel that you are a 2nd or 3rd class male survivor.

You are not. You are a survivor. We are survivors.

Interesting topic & dialogue men.


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#52583 - 03/13/03 01:01 AM Re: The Choice is Yours
Cement Offline

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California

I must destroy the facade behind which I hid; even from myself. That includes all the high risk shit I put myself through by re-enactment to verify my facade and the reason to hide.
I read this over and over...I think I am going to print it, blow it up and put it on my wall. Write it backwards on my forehead so I see it first thing in the morning, last at night and a few times in between (hey, I like to wash my hands).

Such a precious little nugget. But hey, Mike, could you hit the return key a couple of times when you post? don't mean to be critical, I like what you write, just gets a little tough when all them words is smooshed in.

Thanks a ton for the insightful words. Made my day.


And let the darkness fear our light.

#52584 - 03/13/03 01:47 AM Re: The Choice is Yours
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Because I am not fully recovered, does it mean I am still a victim? Or choosing to be a victim?
I moved from victim to survivor the very second I opened my mouth and said to my wife "when I was a kid I was sexualy abused"

At that moment I was in recovery, I was healing and I became a survivor.
I attached many labels to myself, and I've written about it in the Survivors Stories forum.;f=10;t=000039

I know which label you have ;\)


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#52585 - 03/13/03 02:23 AM Re: The Choice is Yours
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Cement that is what we are all here for. To help each other.

I have profited greatly by what I have read and the joy of winning the little battles that each of you make.

Take care!!! And be gentle with yourself. God we are not perfect.



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