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#524065 - 05/29/18 04:33 AM Reporting to the truth project tomorrow
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2931
Loc: Newark, England
So tomorrow (assuming I get all the train arrangements), I'm going to report to the Truth project https://www.truthproject.org.uk/i-will-be-heard this is a government study gathering data about sexual abuse.

My lady thinks it'll be helpful to get my story out there. I admit I'm not looking forwarad to it since running through events again is not a fun experience, I'll go gnumb, I'll turn myself into a robot and simply real off the facts as I know I can, as I've done before, it'll be upsetting, I'll probably be knocked out all thursday, hell I'm not looking forward to it and its already 24 hours away but it is something I know I can do.

What I'm more worried about though,is that it'll go no where.
I'll sit there, I'll real everything off again, I'll talk about the sexual humiliation, the gang rape, the fact that nobody actually noticed or really cared, then I'll hear nothing back until in six months its reported on the news that "A governmental commission reports that %99 of abusers are men, and %80 of victims are women"

Yes, I'm quite aware that if I say nothing, nothing will be said, which is part of the reason I feel I do need to say something, but I'm afrraid it'll just be like my protest against the Iraq war, something needs to be said, but nobody in power will care because its not the currently in fashion thing. The good old tyrany of the majority prejudice, which actually makes me wonder why I'm even bloody bothering in the first place.

Of course I have to, I know that, since my lady is right, if I don't attempt! to say something nothing at all will be said, I know that, and at least when that %99 statistic comes up I can be happy that it wasn't an "all" but still I'm getting sick of feeling like I don't matter because I don't have two x chromosomes or even the right sort of disability.

again I know a lot of this is probably down to just anxiety over hauling it all out again, especially for strangers, especially in a context that's not a therapist, I just hope it serves some sort of purpose.

Luke.

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#524068 - 05/29/18 07:03 AM Re: Reporting to the truth project tomorrow [Re: dark empathy]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1328
Loc: Southern US
Hi Luke,

Good for you.

I definitely understand the emotional turmoil that can come from a task that seems fruitless. I’m glad your lady helped you make the decision to go through with your part of this project.

An old familiar quote has been apt through the ages and I think, applies here:

The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing
_________________________
When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshall

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#524076 - 05/29/18 11:08 AM Re: Reporting to the truth project tomorrow [Re: dark empathy]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 422
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Hi Luke

I remember when I first joined MS 5 or so years ago. What always struck me back then is how brave you are and how much of that you gave to me to face my own journey. I'll be thinking of you my friend.

((Luke))

David

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#524078 - 05/29/18 12:47 PM Re: Reporting to the truth project tomorrow [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2931
Loc: Newark, England
@Bluedogone, thanks for that, I confess the problem I struggle with is feeling so powerless over this, since ultimately I can't shake the idea that anything I do! say will just get lost in the crowd, its sort of a dichotomy of being fairly sure going through all of this again won't do much good but feeling like I probably have to anyway..

My lady actually thinks at least having some record and saying something will help me, and she's likely right on this.

@David I sort of wonder who your talking about when your using words like "brave" around me, but I'll just say thank you for that, its appreciated even if hard to understand.

Luke.

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#524085 - 05/29/18 03:56 PM Re: Reporting to the truth project tomorrow [Re: dark empathy]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 1043
Loc: Northeast, USA
Hi Luke. Your lady sounds like a great support to have as you take on this effort. Best of luck to you.
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#524099 - 05/29/18 10:21 PM Re: Reporting to the truth project tomorrow [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2931
Loc: Newark, England
Thanks Rocco.
That is certainly true, I wouldn't be able to do this without her, actually I still feel guilty when I feel bad about things.

I used to say if I had one person who cared, the sort of intimacy I wanted I'd be alright, that was largely true, but not entirely, and its times like this when I almost feel guilty for reacting in spite of things.


Edited by dark empathy (05/29/18 10:23 PM)

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#524124 - 05/31/18 12:38 AM Re: Reporting to the truth project tomorrow [Re: dark empathy]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 422
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Hope everything went well for you Luke and that you're in a good place.

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#524134 - 05/31/18 12:04 PM Re: Reporting to the truth project tomorrow [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2931
Loc: Newark, England
Hi to everyone and thanks.

Well it actually went better than I expected, albeit literally everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

The truth project had been very nice in booking travel arrangements to get from Newark to their nearest office in Darlington, that's a journey of roughly 100 miles or so, this took a train and a couple of taxies.

So first the bloody taxi doesn't turn up! so there's me running inside again and checking my email to find the number of that firm. It turns out the storm yesterday caused severe traffic jams.
I admit I nearly turned around and said "fuck the hole thing" at that stage, particularly since I'd basically been awake from two Am the previous morning alternatively worrying and trying to distract myself

The taxi does turn up and luckily though we get to the station late the train is delayed too. Well that's good accept said train was delayed, ---- and delayed! and delayed!

Again, due to the storm apparently there were a bunch of signals out, so basically my lady and i were sitting on the sodding train for about two and a half solid hours before the bloody thing started moving!
So where we should have got to Darlington at ten past one, we didn't arrive until nearly half past three! and of course there is me made absolutely aware of the fact that I don't have a fucking car so am dependent upon public transport.

Fortunately the truth project people left all afternoon free for the interview, two pm until five, but by the time we actually arrived I just wanted to get started and get things over with.

They asked a couple of questions, I told the story of my abuse and its effects, actually having my lady there was really helpful since she confirmed a lot of the stuff about after effects. They asked if I wanted to give details to the police and go the prosicution route, I said no since that wasn't really why I was there and I think going through court would just be a traumatic experience.
Telling the story wasn't fun, I basically did my usual, went nearly robotic and essentially rushed through things, indeed i felt my throat seizing up at one point but pushed on with the details.

What I did want, and what I made clear was that I wanted to get my story out there, to let people know firstly that women, much less teenaged girls could be abusers, and that men could be victims. They even asked me what sort of recommendations I'd like making and I did point out several, EG change definition of sexual assault so as not to specifically require pennitration, as well as have it more publically known that yes, women can be abusers.

They asked me if I wanted my story (anonymously ), on their website, and I not only agreed but actively asked them to, just to get matters out there.

My lady was also amazing, she actually complemented me, said how proud she was of me etc, which sort of shocked me, but she is wonderful.

So I've said something, which is what I really felt I needed to do, hopefully it'll be at least somewhat publicised. Whether that will lead anywhere I don't know, again I'm a little sceptical on people giving up their usual band wagons, but I did feel I had a duty to say something, this indeed was oddly enough something the researcher complemented me for.

Thanks to everyone here for support and the kind words, its appreciated.

Luke.

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#524136 - 05/31/18 12:40 PM Re: Reporting to the truth project tomorrow [Re: dark empathy]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 1043
Loc: Northeast, USA
Congratulations, Luke! It must have seemed like fate was conspiring against you with all the delays, but you stuck with it. Awesome job!
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#524138 - 05/31/18 01:15 PM Re: Reporting to the truth project tomorrow [Re: dark empathy]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1328
Loc: Southern US
You may never know what effect your published story will have on anyone who reads it.

But you know the end result for you. It's a job Well Done .
_________________________
When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshall

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