I Hate to answer your questions. So let me tell you what I know for myself. When I know I am safe I can ask for help. (NEVER)
How do I remove the burden, the thoughts You disclose, when your mother tells you the friend she brought to "take care of you" is dangerous. You say you know, Thhe mother asked if you liked being penetrated. You say no it hurt. She says then you are OK.
Do I ask for help, understanding? I have the answers (NO) Are they there for me,love me?I It is always time to hide, pretend. You have already gotten all the help you are going to get. You can't trust anyone.
My depression and anxiety stop when I know I need help and only when I get help can I even ask is it O K to e, loveand know why I hate me.
I hope you can find some less hurtful answers.
\I spent 27 years solvingc these issues by drinking to a blackout. Not being present in my own life.
May God Bless you and keep you.