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#523976 - 05/23/18 11:58 PM I Will Fuss Up
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 4119
Loc: VIRGINIA
My special friend,and yes she knows when she not here we live life and we do not talk about how we live life apart. We are respectful and safe and she is here--I am happy.

As I have said I am very reflective these days. We talked all day and tonight she is out with her sister. I am in a great place. We talked about my past. We have spent much time talking about my abuse. Today we talked about my family

My parents, different personalities but same ethnic backgrounds, and I look back the same ideals and goals. They built our home with the aid of their friends--all from the Irish community they knew. I remember hearing the stories and seeing pictures of them sleeping under the stars in this then remote area of Connecticut--today it is a commuter town to NY. They would harvest wood and other materials from torn down buildings. I can only imagine how they relished the home coming together. I have pictures of the house being built. There was no road just a narrow trail to the house--they were the first to arrive. I remember the story of McCarthy, never had electricity and he was the electrician. They all read the books and to this day the home stands. I remember the sorrow when the home had to be sold--they were older and could not navigate the dark roads.

We talked about the dirt road and when the road was finally paved. I was on the handlebars of a bike and we skidded on the fresh pavement. I was covered with tar but everyone laughed.

We talked about dinner, always at 6 pm before a baseball or sports game. My mother being the Irish person she was--it was boiled or burned--any blood on the meat back it went.

I remember the day I won the essay contest for being proud to be an american by the Kiwanis Club. Staci Ballen was the other winner. It was a night event and the joy on my Dad and Mom's face I still remember. My friend said you have good memories.

I remember sports events, I should not have achieved from basketball to baseball because of whatever. They put a smile on my face.

I talked to her about the day my younger brother Brian was born. I remember the call my grandmother made to the neighbor (we lived on a dirt road that was a mile and half long with 4 houses) saying it was time. My mother called later as my brother and I waited scared. We had another brother.

I had many happy days and she helps me to remember those days.

I will write more later because it is time for us to get some sleep

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#523985 - 05/24/18 01:45 PM Re: I Will Fuss Up [Re: KMCINVA]
Chris4TheMill Offline


Registered: 05/16/17
Posts: 643
Loc: NY / NJ Area
Kevin,

How phenomenal to have an intimate someone who is interested in hearing your stories for hours.
It does sound as if you have had an interesting life with many varied memories and events, some of which can be considered high points.

I suspect that most of us have had at least some good memories, I know I have.
It is good to recall those where possible and be thankful for them, as that helps to balance out the bad so that the bad ones don't engulf us.


- Chris

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#523991 - 05/24/18 09:44 PM Re: I Will Fuss Up [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 4119
Loc: VIRGINIA
Chris

Sorry this will be short. Thank you. I have so much to tell, my life is unfolding in a very good way. I can see the joy of my life. Strange, she knows more about me then my children. I remember anytime I would try to tell a story I would hear "Oh wow", sarcastically of course and then it turned to stories about others. They know so little of my life, my happiness, my sadness, my youth, my college and even the 3 1/2 months I spent backpacking across Europe after college. I saw so much. I remember when I was on my way back, an elderly relative in Ireland said, I had seen more than most and they will be great stories to tell your children. I never told my children because when I tried I was pushed back. Maybe one day. I will write them here because talking last night and tonight gave me so much perspective on life. You are right--she wants me to see the good I had in life and not to let the abuse be the topic of choice. I laughed about stories I had not told, we looked at pictures of my childhood--laughed how I looked, and marveled at the changes.

Chris, thank you and I will definitely finish this story. I am sorry to cut it short but we still have much to laugh about. She is sharing her childhood-good, bad, warts and all. No one has a perfect life and when they pretend they are usually ones with the most emotional issues. I look at myself--denial of abuse and all the trouble it caused.

Kevin

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#524097 - 05/29/18 08:24 PM Re: I Will Fuss Up [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 4119
Loc: VIRGINIA
It is wonderful to reflect on the good we had in life between the times of despair. The amount of time in these two spheres will vary for each of us, but from the happy times of childhood which may escape us as we try to heal from the abuse, is a source of strength that we need to dig deep to find. I am blessed to have someone who spent a few days with me, looking at old childhood photos, listening to me talk about my life and not allowing me to veer back to the abuse but rather to the good times. The pictures helped and there were a few she put to the side in envelope that brought me back to the abuse--one so pronounce in my mind, my brother in his confirmation gown and me in my altar boy cassock and surplus standing on the rock outside our home--it is sealed now and she said it is there when I am ready but we went back to the other pictures, trip to Canada, times at the beach, communions, graduations, life events. She listened as I talked about each. I have begun to write of these and some day my children will be able to read if they choose to read. She like so many others told life is not all bad, it is finding the good and happy parts that get lost in trauma and abuse. Truly people who are happy find peace in themselves and not at the expense of laughing or mocking others to raise themselves or pushing those people to leave, walk away, feel victimized--a fine line to many and sadly for many do not realize the extent of words and actions that are abusive.

One major take away from the weekend, is if people work together the outcome is positive. Parents need to work together, not side with children, parents need to talk and not bring children into personal issues, parents need to make sure children are not overly involved in parents lives. I think of how we talked and listened, and recently I reconnected with someone from college. My friend and I talked about her and her family this weekend-it was a happy time for me. I remember one thing about her family, the parents would say we will talk about it and let you know what "we" decide. Also, I remember dinner at their home was filled with laughter and joy, each talking about their day and no one allowed to make fun of anyone or anyone at the table--if the did they were told to leave--both mother and father stood together, not mother and brother, mother or child but the parents were a unit. No one was pushed away,the bully was told to leave. Outside the table family honesty, kids fighting but boundaries--yes how important boundaries are--they shared feelings and could fight and be honest, no pretense we are better than others. Refreshing-I see the grandchildren have been instilled with respect for others, no turning, supporting each other despite challenges.

I felt like a unit this weekend. Maybe this is what I have needed and I know we travel different paths but she can put me back on the path of healing and loving myself. Where we go we will figure it out over time.

She leaves me with a sense of hope, life and remembrance the abuse was a part of my life as were the good times. I am thankful for all the pictures my mother left behind from those of her as child when she lived in Ireland, to my grandparents, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts and uncles and the events in our lives.

I will post over time more of my story.

Kevin

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