Whiplash

Spinout

Call it

Slingshot

Boomerang

Snapback

Calling

Gravity

Well

Call back

Engines

Constant

Grind down

Rapid

Fire

Shutdown

Keep it

Open

Call back

Numb

Stand

True

Bathe

Anchor point

Wheel in

Calling home

Numb

Pretense and court bows

Pleasantries

Bound

Lies

Steppin out

Stand strong

Old

New Day

Always been

Selling short

Peril

True

Lockdown

Standout

Repeat

Spinout

Call Back

Boomerang

Standout

_________________________________________________________________________________
For weeks I have been making real progress cracking open that week in 1974. Then my therapist asked a potent question; while I was gone did I think of my family? It was hard to admit, but no I didn’t. He asked harder questions. All just revealing how much I sensed myself an outsider in the family.

Looking at my relationship with them, I see how much I make sure to say exactly the right thing. My responses have always been calculated. My first consideration is deflection, steer conversation away from any of my guarded secrets. My second concern is what would the son, brother, twin say. My third, was it close enough to a truth I would remember what I crap I uttered. I’ve been pretending for so long the process is rapid, effortless and worse, automatic.

I didn’t have to ponder when it started, I knew. Once again I stand facing the ramifications of the assault in kindergarten. I see that little boy pretending to breath, pretending it didn’t happen, pretending no one saw it. I was helpless, hopeless branded searing feelings without words.

I believed the public humiliation was an open secret at home. I had to pretend to keep my shame inside. How could I be real if so much of me was forged in this unspeakable event? How could I connect when I had so much to hide ?

Those 2 minutes and its aftermath are what so much of my psyche is anchored to. Time and again all strings lead back to the playground. Boomerang, the answers call me back.
_________________________
Bri

My avatar is the boy who was kidnapped.
He is the boy who escaped.

Owning It https://owningitlog.wordpress.com