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#52208 - 12/30/04 09:04 PM And some nights there is still no sleep (maybe trigger)
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
At least I have this site here, that I can come to and feel some connection, some belonging and feel I am of some worth to someone. I do not mean that to sound so dramatic and depressing, I know that there are people and situations that I do belong in, and several people I have very close connection with. But sometime in the middle of the night, this site, the people at this site, those that have 'been there' and understand some, are what I need.

I woke up the other morning to find myself on the floor in the closet. I have not done that for some time that I can think of. On the floor, yes, because at times, specially if I am sick or exceptionally tired, it still feels safer. But hiding in the closet, it has been some months I think since I have felt the need to do that. It happens in panic, or the 'night terrors', and I wake up to find myself there, without remembering what brought it on, the need to hide.

I am in a not very pleasant mood right now, actually, for a day or two. I know some of it is some certain stressors that will come up in the next month or such. Some of it is pain, physical pain, that is just a chronic issue. But I think some of it is being tired, and feeling like I never will not be tired. Feeling like I will never sleep like 'normal people'.

I have a friend who is dear to me, who I can call any time, day or night, any day of the week, and she will talk me to sleep. I am very greatful for that. But how long will I need to be able to trun to that if I need it? Forever? It just bothers me, it feels not so tasteful to me.

Not sure what exactly I am saying, so I will just finish it here.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#52209 - 12/30/04 10:34 PM Re: And some nights there is still no sleep (maybe trigger)
FLRich Offline

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404

Please be aware that you are "some worth" to many, many people. I know several right now!

I'm sorry that you cannot sleep some nights and that when you can, it is not restful sleep. Rest is very important, especially when you have a physical job as you do. It's real easy to tell someone to get some rest, but much more difficult to actually do it.

I used to have nightmares. I could tell no one about them (I thought). When I finally told my wife about my abuse, the nightmares decreased, but they have never gone completely away. I think I may have them forever, but I thin I handle them better now. they used to scare the Hell out of me, because I thought they could be real. Now I am older, and I realize almost immediately unpon waking, that I am safe and they are just nightmares. I think the longer that you are safe, the more your mind can let these issues rest and you will have fewer terrors.

As far as getting rest that you need, sometimes I feel safer sleeping in the daytime. When I am tired, I no longer refuse to allow myself to take a nap after work. I may wake up earlier in the mornings, but the sleep I've had is good sleep and I am rested.

Leosha, you are a good man and you have a good friend that doesn't mind you calling her. Use that whenever it is neccesary. I'm sure she doesn't mind, and it won't be "forever". It probably does her good to know that she can help you. It's a foolish man who thinks that he never needs help through life and a wise one that realizes it, and allows others to help him. You are both wise and good, and no one would deny you help.

Take care of yourself, buddy and remember, we are here if you need.

#52210 - 12/30/04 11:41 PM Re: And some nights there is still no sleep (maybe trigger)
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...

I am really sorry your life is still full of nightmares and terrors. It is many years since I went through the pain of these things, but I can so easily remember how hard it was.

I was lucky then, as I had some support, you are lucky you have this good friend. You also have us too.

Last night I had this totally weird dream/nightmare, could not tell which, but I remember drifting in and out of it, maybe trying to get away. The big strange thing is, I have not had dreams for years, or I at least cannot recall any of them.

I hope really much, that we can all go back to having wonderful dreams again.

Try and reduce the stressors on yourself. This is not easy, but I remember that upper body massage can really be beneficial if you can allow it.

It can relieve so many of the stress symptoms within the body.

You are not worthless, we all feel that one, it is just a sad part of the guilt process, you are worth more than most men who I have met.

I hope you can get some meaningful sleep,

take care,


edited to correct text

Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#52211 - 12/31/04 01:24 AM Re: And some nights there is still no sleep (maybe trigger)
markgreyblue Offline

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Leosha - I am so sorry you are so scared at times -
I have fearful nights ocassionally as well and most nights I sleep with some light on -
and on the really weird nights I sleep with a lot of lights on
and propped up on one elbow
- so that I am ready -

nobody knows that except my therapist - well now you do - I used to do that growing up -
youth and teenager years

and it started again this past couple of years - but luckily I have pre>
" not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous

#52212 - 12/31/04 06:10 AM Re: And some nights there is still no sleep (maybe trigger)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire

I have a friend who is dear to me, who I can call any time, day or night, any day of the week, and she will talk me to sleep. I am very greatful for that.

Consider this, you are worth it, she does it because she knows that you are a good man and worth the effort.

Dave ;\)

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#52213 - 12/31/04 07:40 AM Re: And some nights there is still no sleep (maybe trigger)
jimrh Offline

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA

you are such a good, kind person, you do not deserve this, I am so sorry for all of it.

I don't know what I can say or do to make it better for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Please hang on.

Jimmer ;\)

#52214 - 12/31/04 07:55 AM Re: And some nights there is still no sleep (maybe trigger)
TJ jeff Offline

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3594
Loc: Northern Wisconsin

I hope that you will be able to get the rest that you need soon - relly on any method that you need to right now to be able to sleep safely - there is no shame in needing help sometimes - not after what we've been through...

Just a few short days ago I awoke trembling all rolled up in my sheets and blankets (the safety net of my youth)and stayed that way the rest of the night - if for you the closet is a safe place then there is no shame in needing to go there sometimes... (remember - you are going there for safety - and there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe)

No man can be strong every day of his life - we all need others to lean on from time to time -

Take care and rest safely,

TJ jeff

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

#52215 - 01/01/05 05:57 AM Re: And some nights there is still no sleep (maybe trigger)
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Leosha - it is now a year since I fist came here. You were one of the first people to offer me support. It is because of that support (and from others here)that I have taken major steps over the last year. I now sleep much more soundly & I thank you for that.

You deserve to have sound sleep for the good that you do here - you are a very warm and giving person. I hope that you also find the ability to sleep like all innocents.

Best wishes ...Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#52216 - 01/01/05 04:24 PM Re: And some nights there is still no sleep (maybe trigger)
Glen Offline

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
Trust me you are an awesome human being and a strong man. Being able to discuss these issues alone is an achievement! Have you ever tried to meditate? There is a really easy way to do it and it always helps me fall asleep better. All you do is focus on the rythem of your breathing for 20 minutes. Thats all you think about, focus on the air as it enters and leaves your nose, the sensations in your lungs.
Somedays our brains need a break and often times I feel more centered after. I hope this works

Please tell me why..

#52217 - 01/02/05 12:35 AM Re: And some nights there is still no sleep (maybe trigger)
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
You are truly a great man. I think the world would be better if more men were like you. Remember you have friends who care for you.



I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

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