The most important thing I learn with the 12 step program is to live today, not in the horror of the past or in the insecurities of the future.
By doing this, I was faced with taking responsabilities over my actions, today.
I learned that by acting out the abuse through mostly auto-destruction behavior ( gambling, drugs, sex, need to perform without taking pleasure, etc...) I was reproducing the abuse on myself. Uncousciously, of course, since I suffered from PTSD.
I was much more vulnerable then. Today, I try to be more responsable, and believe me it is not easy, but I do get periods of great serenity and calmness. Unfortunately, I often go back to a more comfortable place, a place were I do not belong-were I do not respect myself, i.e. over eating ...
12 step meetings are full of people acting out. In many cases they are not even conscious of their own victimization. I spoke to a lady that was gang raped when she was 15 year old. It took everything she had to tell me. She could not make the link between the rape and her problems in life as an adult.
Today, I know that if I gamble, it will be an act of violence on my part. I don't want to do this anymore since I am starting to love who I am.
I refuse to continue the abuse perpetrated on me when I was a child. - Today