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#519250 - 12/23/17 04:46 AM Could I get an opinion?
AOAN72 Offline

Registered: 10/24/17
Posts: 51
Loc: Simi Valley, California
For some this might be a no-brainer. For me I am puzzled.
Has my view of sex been warped or altered so experiencing heterosexual relations only seems to provide a physical

release and not the all inclusive relations non-abused individuals experience?

I wonder, should I have had a positive reaction to the magazine centerfold my cousin showed me when I was seven instead

of being sort of indifferent? Why was it a negative almost fearful yet curious reaction I had seeing another magazine

open to a two page spread of two people having sex at age eight? (I later would sneak to look through the same magazine

I found under my parents bed because I discovered the sex pictures made me hard)

I like watching people having sex in porn, and liked hearing the sounds men make. Women's moans etc. don't seem to

turn me on. Once I was older, I would only buy or borrow those magazines/video tapes showing sex. I haven't been

interested in just looking at naked women unless they were engaging in sex with men. Those Playboy videos featuring a

specific woman in different states of undress just didn't do anything for me. She might as well have had her clothes

on telling her story. I never had an aversion to men being in photos or videos. I think I felt I wanted to be close

to them, or in some way I imagined what they were experiencing. Until now, I pushed the idea away that I could be gay.

I know I have attractions to men and I am working on accepting and bringing that into myself as just part of me. I

don't put much stock in acting any sort of way. I want to be brutally honest with myself. I don't want to hide myself from myself anymore. I want to be real and authentic. Enduring emotional neglect throughout my childhood, rape by my stepfather at age 4 and rape by two older boys who are brothers at age 7, doesn't help matters to discover myself any easier. I don't care where my attractions to men came from, I want to understand them, and know how to tell if I am attracted to women at all, or only casually. I was asked to come up with a female celebrity that if I were stuck in an elevator with I would most like to have sex with. It took me three days.

I have pretty much settled on what I think my orientation is, I am curious to see what anyone else's conclusion would be looking at my life and feelings for an orientation?
Acceptance and love.

#519254 - 12/23/17 06:28 AM Re: Could I get an opinion? [Re: AOAN72]
LoneWolfX Offline

Registered: 08/04/17
Posts: 621
Remember this is only my opinion.


Can abuse warp ones view of sex? YES. For example I cannot see how sex can have anything to do with romantic love. It is just a physical thing to me.

At age 7 I would have been indifferent to a centerfold - at that age I was not a sexual being. But other boys may well be different. I am not surprised you experienced a negative/fearful reaction at age 8 given what had happened to you - the curious part is just a child's natural curiosity.

When you say be close to them / imagined what they were experiencing do you mean what they were experiencing as regard sex with the woman. Do you perhaps feel unworthy to actually be the man in the video yourself? Is it a way of having sex without really being with a woman? I mean are you living your desire through a proxy? The fact that you are not "turned on" by the woman on her own may be because due to the abuse you want the sex part not just the naked part.

But the test would be: do you prefer straight porn or gay porn?

I think abuse can cause unwanted attractions to men. You have been through a hell of a lot so it is not surprising.

Again that is only my opinion.

Edited by LoneWolfX (12/23/17 06:30 AM)

#519266 - 12/23/17 10:47 AM Re: Could I get an opinion? [Re: AOAN72]
txb Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 418
Originally Posted By AOAN72
I know I have attractions to men and I am working on accepting and bringing that into myself as just part of me. I don't put much stock in acting any sort of way. I want to be brutally honest with myself. I don't want to hide myself from myself anymore. I want to be real and authentic

I think this is the best way to be. To me, thinking about how you got this way, if something caused it and what it all means seems like a waste of effort. I feel like it's better to just try to accept it and try to make the best of it.

I know you're not supposed to diagnose people over the internet but I'd say that if it takes you three days to come up with an attractive enough female to hypothetically sleep with then you're probably not straight. Maybe not bisexual either. I think sexuality can be a complicated thing though and it's not something that's black and white.

I'm sorry about what happened to you. Good luck sorting through this.

#519280 - 12/23/17 05:16 PM Re: Could I get an opinion? [Re: AOAN72]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1174
Loc: michigan
this is a super tricky question. I have felt just as you have described all my life as well. but the track I found was a bit different. I never could answer the question you asked even in three days. I don't look at women as particularly sexual or even especially attractive. it always made me feel horrible about myself. but I met my wife. and i fell in love with her. just who she was not so much her sex. I have and do love her and she loves me. but the other feelings as such have not changed much. and yet we are pretty highly sexual just because that is who we are. I think that human sexuality is highly subjective and fluid. I think that we just hope to find a person who can love us and who we can love. sex is only a part of the whole thing.
Just my thoughts man
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#519283 - 12/23/17 07:20 PM Re: Could I get an opinion? [Re: AOAN72]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 462
Loc: MO

I have no idea if my opinion is helpful or confusing. While I find hetrosex enjoyable, and avoid homosex, I am not certain that is not just fear from my childhood assault. I enjoy watching dicks get sucked, man or woman performing. I do not like watching anal penetration.

My ex wife liked anal penetration, which was always a little difficult for me. But after we were married a few years and she was reluctant to suck my penis we ended in a discussion of sodomy. I explained that her liking it up the ass was sodomy

At that she determined she would no longer participate in anal intercourse because of her religion. That did not bother me.

I have never thought of sex as anything but a physical activity. When I was 12 - 14 sucking a penis was difficult. scairy and made it difficult to breathe. The taste of semen was not enjoyabe. However, it was the anal penetration of my childhood sexual assault that hurt.

As an adult I sucked dick twice. If I had control, it did not make it difficlt to breathe and the semen was ok in the sexual "heat". You could give me a month and I could not select any individual I did not know personally to want to participate in sex with.

Having been sexually active since I was 16, and had maybe two dozen female sex partners, I consider myself entirely heterosexual.

I do not believe that my use of female nudes as a stimulation to masterbate is really about the female, but the socal convention that I should use naked women pictures for this purpose, not because they had the ability to get me arouse. I really think My sexual desire is all I needed to get aroused, untilin my 40's when anti depressants made it diff9cult to be aroused except in that period of love when infatuation keeps me permanently aroused.

I really think you are asking if it is ok to explore homosexual sex. You know the answer is yes. Was it affected by childhood sexual exposure or molestation or rape, of course it was. Does it make you homosexual, heterosexual. or bisexual no. I think in promotes what is called bi-curios.

My God be with you on your journey.

#519293 - 12/24/17 04:26 AM Re: Could I get an opinion? [Re: AOAN72]
AOAN72 Offline

Registered: 10/24/17
Posts: 51
Loc: Simi Valley, California
Thanks guys I am really appreciative for the opinions and hope if anyone else wants to weigh in please do so.
I was always on the receiving end the six times I had sex with men. It was enjoyable.
I am really looking at myself and with what I have discovered so far, I am more comfortable with the fantasies I have, and the possibility of them becoming reality.

Edited by AOAN72 (12/26/17 02:11 AM)
Acceptance and love.

#521084 - 02/16/18 02:41 PM Re: Could I get an opinion? [Re: AOAN72]
JamesM Offline

Registered: 01/30/18
Posts: 164
Loc: UK
I was sexually abused by my father from an early age, before I was 7 and until I was 13. When my mother was detained in mental hospital my father had easy access and I remember waking up in his bed after 10am and feeling very tired. My sister remembers watching my father sexually abuse me and I remember encouraging the abuse since I wanted him to leave her alone.

When I was 9 a 16-year-old sexually abused me over several weeks when I slept in his bedroom. After a while I would mentally undress him when I saw him and this made me feel ashamed. I had a childhood crush on his sister, who was a little younger than me, but that did not feel sexual.

For two hours after school he was left to look after me and used the opportunity to take me up to the attic, where I would remember him having raped me previously. Fear took over once he was undressed and I dissociated until he was finished. Although I could remember being sexually aroused in his bedroom, the events in the attic were frightening. I can remember him getting ready to abuse me, the period where I thought of things outside the room and then afterwards when he told me to get dressed. Normally I was unaware of these events and only remembered my arousal mixed with fear when he was nearby.

Some days I would go to the bathroom and think of him as I examined the bruises on my abdomen where he would punch me whilst telling me what he would do to me if I said anything. He was a top school athlete and lifted weights, played rugby and cycled a lot. I had never seen anyone so muscular up close and I did as I was told out of fear, guilt and shame.

The abuse became too much for me and I later told his mother before my mother came out of hospital and I went home. About a year later he came with four mates and took me to a quiet place and raped me whilst the others punched me and told me I was enjoying it. I knew I had an erection and could not dispute that, but I was not enjoying the increasing pain I felt. I had some kind of stress disorder afterwards and behaved strangely until my 10-year-old personality was able to take over again. I think my father knew about it, since we left for another county soon afterwards.

When I was 11 my mother took us back to the town where I was raped and I started having panic attacks in school when I was in all-male groups and I realised I was being targeted at school. I wanted to get away and asked my mother to take us to live with my father, since I knew I was going to be raped again after I was given a reminder one evening.

Around this time I felt different from my peers and found it impossible to identify with them. I knew that I had had sexual relations with a 16-year-old male and was ashamed of myself. It seemed to me that I was turned on by homosexual activity and that I wanted to be raped and beaten up again. I felt that my peers, male and female, were not abused and would find me disgusting.

After we moved away finally I blocked these memories and did not think about them for many years, although my father continued to abuse me and eventually I put a stop to that when I was 13. When I was 12 my father used to leave violent rape stories lying around the house and that coincided with anal problems I had that embarrassed me at school. After he stopped the abuse at 13 those problems went away and I was relieved to see him go abroad to work.

It took me a long time to remember the 16-year-old getting me sexually aroused and once I had I felt I would never be able to forget him. At first he seemed to be at the centre of my being, but he was destructive and I felt as if he was ripping me apart emotionally. I would also have erections when I thought about him and it was a long time before all these feelings started to recede. After I realised he was not playing with me in the attic, but raping me repeatedly I was able to get over him and I felt less unsure of my sexual orientation.

I had triggers such as being afraid of men and bigger males, especially groups of them. Men undressing could trigger flashbacks and male peers trying to involve me in close physical activity such as wrestling was very triggering. I found I had to get away from the changing rooms when I was 13 after the boys started lifting a barbell a teacher had put ready. I had many other triggers, I was avoiding sex and I could not decide if I was heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.

At university I was strongly attracted to females and felt uneasy or scared around some male students. I had been able to make friends with male students and was living with 2 male students in a rented house with no problems. I tried asking female students out and usually made a mess of it, because I felt I was hiding my problems with sexual orientation and I was still determined not to think about my childhood.

Eventually I met someone and had a heterosexual relationship that lasted for several years. I enjoyed sex and found it provided much more than a physical release for me. I enjoyed getting her to orgasm and would do it for as long as she wanted, since I was enjoying it and able to ejaculate but continue. Once I began having more intense orgasms without resolution I had to accept I was able to have multiple orgasms and wonder if that was down to sexual abuse. Anyway, it does not seem to matter and the relationship was not based just on sex.

During orgasm I did not think about the 16-year-old, but I do think that he was having an orgasm when he was raping me in the bedroom and I was probably in the same state. I do not think he altered my sexual orientation to any great extent, but I know that I am aroused quite easily by sexual activity with males or females. With males it would have to be forced, since I have never been sexually attracted to men.

I am uncertain how porn videos should affect me. In general they turn me off, whether I look at lesbian, gay or straight sex videos. I know it is simulated and I need to be with a real person to respond sexually. I remember as an adolescent I would sometimes have embarrassing erections around women, but not around men. I think that if I was aroused by a straight porn video that I would identify with the man and imagine I was having sex with the woman. When I read my father's rape stories at 11 years old I identified with being raped and I could not identify as a rapist. I probably won't watch porn videos in a hurry, nor start reading stories of rape and violence. However, I would not feel guilty if I did and make no judgement about others.

#521095 - 02/17/18 05:05 AM Re: Could I get an opinion? [Re: AOAN72]
SDD757 Offline

Registered: 10/08/17
Posts: 320
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
There is a lot of good advice here. It’s understandable that you have some confusion. It’s okay. Many people are confused that have not been abused.

I would add, look up Joe Kort on YouTube. He has lots of good information on what you are dealing with.

#521667 - 03/09/18 01:31 AM Re: Could I get an opinion? [Re: AOAN72]
Eli_Eli Offline

Registered: 02/20/18
Posts: 21
Loc: North Carolina
Bisexual is not a state of confusion but a real orientation.

Abuse causes all sorts of emotional, physical, spiritual, and existential mess.

—Gay guy abused by female questions his gay identity.
—Straight guy abused by male questions his straight identity.
—Gay guy abused by male blames himself for inviting or allowing the abuse to occur (children, even male children, are defenseless, powerless, and certainly blameless).
—Straight guy abused by female thinks there is something wrong with him if complains about or doesn’t appreciate a woman “making a man out of a boy”


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