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#520582 - 01/29/18 03:55 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
smc1972 Offline


Registered: 10/17/14
Posts: 188
Loc: SD
Manipulated,
I am sitting here thinking about what you have asked and I guess cause I will watch porn for a long time like just emerse myself in it. I was introduced to porn at an early age and have been viewing I guess most all my life.

As for masturbation I know you are right it is not a bad thing but I guess what I do that makes it bad to me is I use my memories as a child. Things that I did and I enjoy it then I feel such shame afterward like how could I do that why did I do that.

I would like to be normal.

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#520588 - 01/29/18 04:31 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 433
Loc: MO
OCN et al

except for about a half dozen on night stands my sex desires or energy have always been greater than my partner. So I masturbate. I use porn to help my arousal. This in part is necessary because of my anti-depressant PAXIL.

MY current girl friend gave up sex about three years ago. She said she was perfectly O K with my having csex outside oir relationship. She believed in and wanted monogamy I felt if I were going to pursue our relationship I should honor her values.
Now that she has moved away I will attempt to get into a sexual relationship. When and if I am successful I will discuss this with her. Until then I will continue to use porn and masturbate.

My two cents for what it is worth.

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#520589 - 01/29/18 04:40 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 185
Loc: Missouri
When I was on it, I had to skip my dose of Paxil in order to have relations with my wife, otherwise, fail. Paxil sure changed my life, though. I met and married my wife right after I went on it. The only downside other than the sexual one was the dramatic weight gain, but it might be a chicken and egg question because before my heart was racing so much that I was under weight.

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#520590 - 01/29/18 05:08 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: CelloL]
2Bnormal51 Offline


Registered: 01/09/18
Posts: 35
Loc: Canada
Greetings CelloL,

I was on paxil for a year some 17 yrs ago.
I also put on weight, and that depressed me. I have sleep depravation and it screwed up my day, due to sleeping problems. I finally cut down on my medication, and finished last prescription, and I'm glad I was off it.
I will say that it did help me to "calm" down is some respect, and realize that I needed to learn to say no, to toxic people, and stop being a "superman".
But I don't know if you realize this, but Paxil is a dangerous medication. A warning about the side affects came out on TV a few years back that caused major problems and a law suit went out against it's use.
I would look into it if I were you.
Later.....

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#520601 - 01/30/18 08:48 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 185
Loc: Missouri
I used Paxil 1997-2003 and then was switched to Lexipro 2003-2005 ending when I lost insurance. I think the Paxil changed my life for the better - relief from anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, depression, and tachycardia. I don't think I'd ever want to go back on it but for me it was life changing in mostly good ways. One odd thing is I didn't care about chocolate or any other sweets until I was on Paxil. Now I desire chocolate (still don't care about other sweets). At 6'1" before Paxil I weighed 160 and in some pictures looked like a famine victim, after my weight shot up to 200 in a year or two, gradually increasing more after that. I don't know if I can blame Paxil for sexual problems in the years after talking it.

Right now I'm not on any SSRI. I am on a beta blocker. I've skipping it at night lately because I've been having a lot of sleep problems and my wife read that propanolol can add to the problems, which surprised me because of noticing drowsiness as a side effect. The doctor told me this med would help with 3 issues: tachycardia/heart rhythm, migraines, and my mitral valve. Since late December I've been free of migraines because of the colder weather. My sleep is still a mess.


Edited by CelloL (01/30/18 06:23 PM)

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#520629 - 01/31/18 03:38 AM Re: Masturbation **Trigger Warning** [Re: CelloL]
2Bnormal51 Offline


Registered: 01/09/18
Posts: 35
Loc: Canada
I had sleep problems while on paxil, before paxil I had no problem sleeping, it seems sleeping was a wonderful escape from my world of pain, depression, just a wonderful place to be.
But when I took paxil, I could only sleep for about 3 hrs per night wake up, and just get on with my day. Then during the day, if I sat down for a short period of time I would nod off to sleep.
I also had something that felt like electric shocks going through my body while on it. It was not comfortable whatsoever, there were times I wished it was over. But I did suffer different type of depression after I was on for about 7 months along with the weight gain.
But like yourself, there were some benefits, which I am thankful for, it helped me to calm down, and not feel so much anxiety. While on it I tended to concentrate on being more creative, so I took up doing art work on circular Cheese Boxes, and selling them. Also I got more involved with improving my baking skills.
But masturbating was still very much on my agenda, along with looking at naked men with erections on the Internet. I also struggled with same sex attractions, but I did not succumb to having sex relations with anyone.
I was mesmerized with my penis and the elation of masturbating, and I started to get into "edging".
I had deep insecurities about my mannerisms, and anxious that many would look at me and label me as a gay. To this day I still have struggles with accepting myself as a man, and I feel looking at naked men hopefully will help me accept myself as a man.
Watching other men masturbating and edging is still a strong hold but I do realize that I do not desire to be with a man on a sexual level, to perform sex.
Once I was off the paxil I lost the weight, but it never fully resolved my hyper energy that I still have to this day. When hyper my whole body seems ultra sensitive, especially my nipples, and geared to masturbate, to calm me down.
It's like something within that I can feel, like a warm wave of sexual energy will come over me, and I want to start the masturbation process. Especially when I am in a depression, to masturbate just sets and energy level in me which chases away the depression, sometime I will feel guilty afterward, other times not.

I guess this is enough for now, sure hope it comes across understandably.
Later......

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#520793 - 02/05/18 10:19 AM Re: Masturbation **Trigger Warning** [Re: 2Bnormal51]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 185
Loc: Missouri
2Bnormal51, your experience with Paxil is interesting. I've had sleep problems all my adult life. I dread going to bed and I dread the next day. The next day used to mean more bullying and panic attacks were in store for me.

I've had that feeling of electric shocks going through my body, but I don't remember whether they were all during the 6 years I was on Paxil. I'd associate the feeling of falling off a cliff with Benadryl and feeling draggy the next day.

I've never lost the weight I gained from Paxil, although I'm working on that now.

Masturbation was something I resisted except to stop wet dreams from happening that made me feel more shame. I've never had the sexual drive I hear that some men have. I've never been able to achieve an orgasm more than once in 48 hours.

The shame, the guilt I've carried my whole adult life has finally been relieved because of this web site. It's been a relief to finally discuss and read on subjects I never talked in person.

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#521079 - 02/16/18 01:57 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
JamesM Offline


Registered: 01/30/18
Posts: 77
Loc: UK
I always found masturbation unsatisfying and eventually realised I was reliving sexual abuse by an older male. Thinking about him directly was difficult and I had avoided memories of having been aroused by him for many years. Thinking about the sexual arousal was the easy part, thinking about the more aggressive ways he abused me was much harder. Nowadays I am not aroused if I am reminded of him and masturbation whilst thinking about him does not work. I guess I masturbate when I feel like it nowadays, rather than using it to try and relieve the strong anxiety that he left me with.

I have been working on the deep sadness and emptiness my father left me with, I think each time he sexually abused me I remembered it all again. I go there sometimes, but that is not masturbation and I cannot really control it. I do not like the very hard erections I get when the abuse memories surface and I can feel him as if he were inside me. I do not like to know that he was my father and changing my name as I used to want to do would make no difference to how I feel. As a teenager I started masturbating frequently, but avoided sex for years until I met someone who wanted to understand me and she helped me realise I had a normal sexual response.

I had always wanted to understand what made me want to masturbate, rather than just hoping the urge would go away. I hoped that with therapy I might make more sense of my childhood experiences, both good and abusive. I understand when exploring relationships with women that masturbation feels unhealthy and a barrier to trust. I needed to make sense of my own tendency to masturbate whilst feeling ashamed about having had homosexual experiences as a child. My father used to leave novels about rape and violence around the house and I used to read them when I was 11. I do wonder nowadays what was in his mind when he was abusing me.

If a therapist had told me to masturbate and watch porn I would not have gone back. I am sure that they should be working with their clients to understand their emotions, but promoting potentially unhealthy behaviours might just make things worse. I would view such a therapist as in the wrong field. In spite of what I have written, I view masturbation as up to the individual and not something to be ashamed of. If I felt aroused by men I would nowadays consider exploring that, but I do not. I am much more relaxed with men nowadays and no longer feel anxious talking to them.

When I was 9 I remember thinking about my teenage abuser at night and wanting him to make me feel good again. When I was 11 I was extremely ashamed of that and worried about my sexuality. Quite soon I avoided thinking about him and his abuse, since I could not cope with it, although it must have been available to my conscious mind. Fear made me avoid thinking about him, although he left me with many triggers that sometimes caused increasing panic and avoidance. I am sure my masturbation as a teenager grew out of this, although I did not think of him directly.

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#521370 - 02/28/18 09:04 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
Thanks for all your posts guys. I've been fortunate enough not having to deal with medication. So can't really say anything about it. I do believe it can help people, but i don't like the level of dependence it can create. Anyways, if you are using any, i wish that it helps you to cope with life and help you to progress on your journey of recovery.

Originally Posted By "JamesM"
In spite of what I have written, I view masturbation as up to the individual and not something to be ashamed of. If I felt aroused by men I would nowadays consider exploring that, but I do not. I am much more relaxed with men nowadays and no longer feel anxious talking to them.

I recognize this a lot. I used to be unaware of the why, but men could really creep me out. After i found out the reason, it became a lot easier. And exploring things works much better than suppressing things. You just have to be ready for that..
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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