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#520103 - 01/16/18 01:26 AM Seeing my abuser again. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER)
Noah Barrett Offline


Registered: 01/03/18
Posts: 31
Loc: NW Georgia USA
I'm Noah. It took awhile for me to get the nerve to write this. I was abused from ages 7 to 10 by a neighbor boy about 8 years older than me. He stopped raping me when I was 10, but he didn't move away until I was 11. I hadn't seen him since. I work part time retail, mostly stock and clean but I help on register sometimes. One day one of the cashiers needed a quick break so I watched her register while I fixed a small display. I was working on this display and heard someone walk up to the counter. I turned around and my whole world came to a screeching halt. I almost lost my breath. It was him. He was heavier and had some grey hair but other than that he looked exactly the same. I don't think he recognized me at first. Other than being taller with a slight beard I'm still the same skinny kid/guy I've always been. I was ringing up his stuff and I asked how he was doing, he gave a small grin and nodded. I still don't know why but I asked if his name was "Patrick", he nodded yes. I asked if he used to live on Alpine Drive back in the 90's, again he nodded yes. By this time my heart was pounding. I asked "Did you used to live next door to a boy named Noah?". When I said my name his eyes got as big as dinner plates. He turned around and almost ran out of the store. He knew who I was. All this was less than a minute but he never said a word the entire time. He left his stuff and his money on the counter. I put his stuff back on the shelf and his money in my pocket. It didn't really hit me until I got home that I really saw him. All the years of shame, guilt, self hate, all the memories I tried so hard for so long to forget, it all came flooding back. This happened in Feb 2016. Nothing has been the same since. All the bad things keep forcing their way to the surface, I can't stop it. I'm doing a little better since opening up this past Christmas. I've had my first therapy session, but I still have a long road ahead. Thank you all for all of the encouragement and support. Thanks for reading to the end. -Noah
_________________________
Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody knows but me.
-Lefty Frizzell

My response... they know now. I'm not going to let a guy with a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels hold me down anymore.

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#520104 - 01/16/18 01:43 AM Re: Seeing my abuser again. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER) [Re: Noah Barrett]
Echoes Offline


Registered: 07/05/15
Posts: 106
Noah, it's impossibly difficult to have to see someone that hurt you so much. I'm sorry that it happened but I'm glad it somehow led you to start your way to recovery. It would never be easy to have this confront you, but by no means it's better to leave it hidden. It only festers.

It took you guts to talk to him like that and I will call you brave. I don't think I'd have that courage.

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#520105 - 01/16/18 01:45 AM Re: Seeing my abuser again. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER) [Re: Noah Barrett]
Chris4TheMill Offline


Registered: 05/16/17
Posts: 443
Loc: NY / NJ Area
Wow, that's....am amazing story. But I'm curious, have you felt any anger toward him? Wanted to hurt him? I would have wanted to. Heck, I want to see him punished for what he did to you. The good thing though is that he is obviously feeling scared, and probably guilty as hell. That's good, he needs to feel the fear. Maybe he'll finally face what he has done to you.


Edited by Chris4TheMill (01/16/18 10:21 AM)

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#520108 - 01/16/18 02:37 AM Re: Seeing my abuser again. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER) [Re: Noah Barrett]
Noah Barrett Offline


Registered: 01/03/18
Posts: 31
Loc: NW Georgia USA
Echoes, maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I don't know if I ever would have told if I hadn't seen him. From then until I told my secret was pure hell. What made me finally tell was everything in the news about famous people and sex abuse, and the #METOO movement. It was everywhere, I couldn't take anymore. I listened to a Pablo Cruise song for about 4 days straight (Poetry-song of encouragement) and I called my parents and told them I had something to tell them. And here I am.

Chris4, at first It was all mixed emotion with a side of shock. But since opening up, you're damn right I'm angry with him. A part of me does want to hurt him. Badly. He still lives in my area. I thought about going after him legally but statute of limitations in Georgia has passed and any evidence is long gone. I still have a barely noticeable scar on my dick where he bit me. Other than that I got nothing. -Noah
_________________________
Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody knows but me.
-Lefty Frizzell

My response... they know now. I'm not going to let a guy with a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels hold me down anymore.

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#520110 - 01/16/18 03:17 AM Re: Seeing my abuser again. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER) [Re: Noah Barrett]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2223
Loc: Minnesota
Thank you for sharing Noah. Revealing, discoveries, encounters and things like MeToo can be helpful. There's the other side too, not being ready, or worse stalked and harassed. I'm glad you're hear sharing your journey.

I hope you're working on self care too, seeing him like that and the mix of emotions have sent many of us into mind storms. I've had a few last year, and many over a decade ago. I hope you can avoid them.

Best wishes.

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#520114 - 01/16/18 04:31 AM Re: Seeing my abuser again. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER) [Re: Noah Barrett]
Surya25 Offline


Registered: 01/04/18
Posts: 15
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
I want you to know that I think you were very brave. I fear seeing my abusers again; not because I'm afraid for mt safety but because of the shame. I think you were very strong to face your abuser and it's clear that you're stronger than him now.

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#520120 - 01/16/18 12:24 PM Re: Seeing my abuser again. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER) [Re: Noah Barrett]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855
Noah Barrett

Sorry for all you are enduring. The visual of your abuser has triggered the past that you have most likely buried. The past was with you without you truly comprehending. I too have been there, the box inside my head that I buried the abuse was strong and solid for so long. If the past escaped I could push it back in the box and nail it shut. In time, the box weakened and could not hold what truly happened, the strength and momentum of the past gained. I could no longer control--triggers abounded from people around--they did their best to ensure I was on a path of self-destruction. For you, the trigger of seeing the abuser has been the catalyst for releasing that buried abuse.

I would travel to the abusers house--waiting outside and thankfully he never appeared. I did see him when I traveled to a church he would say Mass--it was a quick glimpse and I soon scattered for hearing his voice and seeing his smugness caused great pain. I was already in the heat of unraveling, imploding and self-destructing.

In hindsight the unraveling was my "opportunity" to begin to heal and face the past. My mind was not ready to accept I now understand. It was a beginning, a turbulent and excruciatingly painful time, to start the healing process. It has taken years for get to this point.

I am glad you are with a therapist and hopefully in time you will get a sense of freedom from the abuse and abuser. I am sorry you have to endure but that magic pill to cure the ills of CSA does not exist. I struggled, had steps forward and then steps back. We are here for you as you move forward, we understand the need for support and compassion.

Best to you on the journey to heal.

Kevin

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#520127 - 01/16/18 06:25 PM Re: Seeing my abuser again. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER) [Re: Noah Barrett]
motmcd Offline


Registered: 08/15/12
Posts: 256
Loc: PA
Noah,

This happened to me. I understand first hand what you describe. "Knees buckled, stomach flipped, blood ran cold, heart pounded in throat...." they all apply.

Work it through with your therapist. My best wishes to you for a steady calm going forward.

Best regards,
Tom
_________________________
I do many things well with mastery over nothing.

https://bristleconeproject.org/men/tom-mcdevitt/

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#520131 - 01/16/18 07:25 PM Re: Seeing my abuser again. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER) [Re: Noah Barrett]
Noah Barrett Offline


Registered: 01/03/18
Posts: 31
Loc: NW Georgia USA
Ceremony nailed it..."mind storms". I gotta remember that one. That's exactly what what happened when I got home that night and reality set back in. All those feelings all at once, like an explosion. It sent me into a panic. I didn't sleep for a few days, took awhile to really calm down. It sent me into a bad depression. I've stopped talking to almost everyone, including my family. My work has suffered, my mental health has suffered. Even before seeing -him- again I've struggled with chronic severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks. A couple times anxiety to the point I was hallucinating. Bad paranoia. I'm in a bit of a mind storm since see a therapist the other day, but i am in control. I still can't read all the way through some of the posts on MS. Some things I'm just not ready to tackle yet. I've still got things floating to the surface and just adds to the twisted emotions and confusion of it all.

I'm not brave at all. I'm dealing with this out of survival, because if I don't it's going to kill me. -Him- coming in the store that day, all the 24/7 media coverage about abuse... I feel like I was forced. I was forced to see him again, I was forced to re live EVERYTHING, I was forced to tell my story and now I'm being forced to deal with something I don't think I have the guts to deal with. Should I grab a jar of Vaseline? Maybe it won't hurt as bad this time. I wish -he- had some Vaseline back in the day maybe It wouldn't have been so painful. Maybe i wouldn't have screamed as loud or cried so much. Maybe then I'll stop getting in trouble for loosing my underwear all the time. God forbid mom has to buy ANOTHER damn pack of tightly whities. When you get fucked so hard it makes your asshole bleed so much that it soaks your shorts. I'd rather mom yell at me than to have to explain that. -Noah
_________________________
Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody knows but me.
-Lefty Frizzell

My response... they know now. I'm not going to let a guy with a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels hold me down anymore.

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#520261 - Yesterday at 08:50 PM Re: Seeing my abuser again. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER) [Re: Noah Barrett]
chairdesklamp Offline


Registered: 01/20/18
Posts: 9
Loc: California
I had a similar situation just before leaving Oakland (I've incurred abusers since moving here, too, in my very building). I hid in the breakroom. Only thing is I'm never on register (because I'm not worth the promotion from bottom rung that everyone else is), so it's not as consequential if I have to suddenly leave the sales floor. That's the only caveat. Since I'm the janitor and cleaning the breakroom is part of my job, I just started doing that. Register, you can't leave so easy.

Once is enough, but is this the only time?

P.S., I have Pablo Cruise's Worlds Away on 8-Track. Sadly, my player died New Years' Eve (two weeks ago) and it's more than I can fix alone.



Edited by chairdesklamp (Yesterday at 08:52 PM)

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