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#519596 - 01/01/18 11:49 PM Masturbation
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
[[First of all, happy new year to all of you]]

I've been thinking about masturbation for some time now. I know it a lot longer than thinking about it lol

It has been with me ever since i was a young boy. Especially in my teen years i was hyper sexual and so gave in to masturbation a lot. Lately i've been really thinking about what it means to me. As i'm single and not having any sexual interaction for years, all i did was masturbation.

But then i started paying attention a little bit closer. I started to notice that masturbation did not make me feel better. I've noticed this pattern before with alcohol, but i never quite thought that masturbation had the same effect on me. Sexuality seems to be working more subtle, and seems to be engraved in my mind a lot deeper. Cause in dreams or in waking life, i would constantly become triggered by what i saw. And if that didn't work, my mind made sure i would be hooked on something (for instance butts from the ladies) so that i could only stop the continuous thought by giving in to masturbation.

As i'm learning to let go of struggling with sexuality on a daily basis and instead just accept that i don't need to worry about it, i feel that masturbation is no longer healthy for me. Healthy in a sense that it keeps me from moving forward. So it's also very important to recognize what causes me to be triggered and to prevent these triggers from becoming too big to handle. Really need to be mindful about everything. Porn is a big no, as it is a 100% trigger. And i need to start looking to women in a different way too. No longer using them to fantasize, but instead interact with them in real life.

Cause deep down inside i feel that by masturbating all the time, i take away the chance to learn and interact with women on a deeper level in real life. Why would i take the risk if i got what i've had for the past 20 odd years? Unless there is something bigger than this short explosion which leaves me unsatisfied.

So for me this year i'll be working on giving up masturbation. First for a while and if it feels good i might lengthen the period.

I was wondering what you guys feel about this subject. I've seen quite a few people here who get the advice from the therapist to watch porn and to masturbate as a means to release the pressure. I'm not against that, but i've noticed that that no longer does the trick for me.
I was wondering what are your thoughts on the matter. What do you think? Is masturbation something we need? Or can we live without it?

Thanks in advance for sharing guys!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#519607 - 01/02/18 07:52 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
LoneWolfX Offline


Registered: 08/04/17
Posts: 335
Note that I have mas_____ shame so my answer may seem hypocritical to my own feelings - I (try to) express the opinion of psychologists.

Mas______ is not something we need like air or food but sexuality is an innate part of who we are as humans (and animals). But by not need (i.e. you won't die if you don't do it) it does not mean that sexuality is not necessary for healthy functioning.

Life is to be enjoyed so if you enjoy mas_______ then go for it! There is nothing wrong with it. The problem is about balance. If it is so excessive it interrupts daily functioning and relationships then it is unhealthy.

If you are not in a relationship mas_____ can be the only way to release your sexual energy. I think too much may also be a problem because what happens if mas_____ feels better than sex - why do you even need a girlfriend? (Obviously there is more to having a girlfriend than just sex!)

TRIGGER
My advice is to not give up mas______ but limit its frequency. If you do it everyday then try for twice a week.

As regards porn my opinion is probably not in line with most people's opinion. I do not think it is morally wrong but I think it is unhealthy. I think quitting porn is a much better thing to do than quitting mas_______.
But again my view on porn is extreme. I gave up porn and have not "used" it for about 5 years at least. I don't miss it. But for me it was not hard to do as I did not ever use it frequently.

Hope that helps.

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#519615 - 01/02/18 04:10 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
Thanks for sharing your thoughts LoneWolf.
I agree on porn with you. Can't say that i haven't used it in the last 5 years, but it becomes easier and easier to live without it. It has always been an easy trigger, but i kinda have the feeling 'been there done that'

Considering the enjoyment of life, i agree we have sexual energy. But limiting the frequency won't do the trick for me i've noticed. It somewhat works like a chain-reaction. And it takes me a lot of effort to stop mas____ if i done it a few times a week.

For me right now the balance seems to be to let go of it all together. Moderation does not work for me. But that's also because there is always a part in me which does not enjoy mas___ Don't know whether it's shame or guilt or just a basic feeling of unsatisfactory. Think it's the latter. I've done it so much, but it doesn't bring me anything but a short relief.

Most important part for me is that this time i don't want to force myself, cause that's what went wrong the last few times i tried to tackle this subject.

Thanks for sharing, i wish to learn more to work on this issue smile
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#519631 - 01/03/18 12:38 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1171
Loc: Southern US
Is masturbation something we need? Or can we live without it?

I think the answer to both questions is YES.

As fully functioning human beings we need, from time to time, sexual release. If not through inner action with a partner, then most likely solo. Most of us as we go through puberty and the early years are without partners. So the guilt that seems to be heaped on most of us (at least in my case) only adds to the anxiety of a never ending cycle. Masturbation followed by a temporary exultation, followed by guilt, followed by a promise to ourselves that we'll stop, followed by masturbation,followed by guilt, etc. etc. As you pointed out, it can become monotonous and seemingly a waste of time, even to the point it becomes our obsession instead of a pleasurable physical sensation. Whether through masturbation or some other sexual expression, it seems to me it must be acknowledged. How we deal with the sexual urge is where we have so many choices for our own path to fulfillment.

On the one hand, where we deal with what I think is a fact of masturbation, or some alternate method of fulfillment, that method could be entirely without consideration of masturbation. It wasn't too many years ago when there was a conscious effort to stop masturbation as a scourge to young people.
Extreme physical exertion was the answer. You must abstain. Guilt. Threat of "going blind" or becoming insane if you kept it up. Sleep with your hands always above the cover. You'd get unsightly hair in the palm of your hand.

Yes, I think we do need masturbation (or some substitute that will fill our human needs). And Yes we can live without it.
_________________________
Growing old is mandatory.
Growing up is optional. - Walt Disney

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#519743 - 01/06/18 12:41 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you for your perspective Bluedogone.

I must say that i agree with what you have shared, though on a few points i've chosen to go a different route. Throughout the last few years, i've learned for myself that it helps me the best if i let go of things completely. That is, if i have a problem with it.

And i realize that my problem is not necessary the masturbation itself, as you also say. There is not really a problem with masturbation. It just takes a lot of time and energy, which i want to use for different things.

This week i was reading in a book by a Buddhist nun and she summed it up very well, though she didn't speak about masturbation or sex. But in her line of thinking masturbation is one of those things i use to keep me from feeling what's going on inside myself. It is an escape vent, if i feel down or lonely. But instead of looking away, i want to try a different approach. Why not face the things which are popping up in my life head on?
This line of thought clicked with me, as i see masturbation as a way of not having to deal with who i am (and drinking was the same for me in the past). I can go on and daydream and fantasize about who i want to become, but the fact is that i am who i am right now.

So in a way this touches on what you write in the last sentence. The way i see it now (at this point in time, cause the perspective might shift again), is that i can live without the substitutes. And from what i've read this week, my life could very well become easier and more meaningful.

So i guess it's not so much about masturbation anymore, but more about facing the facts of who i am with everything which comes along (loneliness, fear, anxiety, despair). Am i able to stay with these feelings and thoughts without running? I am willing smile
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#519808 - 01/08/18 10:10 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 69
Loc: Missouri
I’ve been working on my masturbation for the past several years. Like, journeying with it. I too prefer to not use porn, as it makes me jealous and unsatisfied. I quit porn 2+ years ago, yet the images are still in my head.

I’ve found that it isn’t healthy for me to say no to masturbation, which has become a huge self-love tool I enjoy and a way to manage my very significant sexual energy.

Quitting has been impossible for me. I seem to feel best when I ejaculate once a day, at bedtime.

Last year I experimented with ejaculating only every 3rd day, or 6th day, it was super difficult. I had tons of energy that wasn’t manageable.

I wish you the best as you explore abstinence. It can work wonders for some people, I’m positive.

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#519809 - 01/08/18 10:16 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 69
Loc: Missouri
PS - totally understand the use of masturbation to run from feelings. I still struggle with that. Today I ejaculated way too early in the day. It always feels bad if I do it early out of stress or something.

Self love and kindness needs to be given to myself when I make those sorts of mistakes, though.

The most healing masturbation is done from a place of curiosity and stability. I keep a journal nearby to help ground me, or put me in a stable place, so that I’m free to enjoy my body without losing myself in an escape.

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#520015 - 01/13/18 03:28 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you Winterfr3sh! I recognize a lot.. images of porn sticking in the mind.. heck i still have the images from booklets i've seen many years ago..

Good to hear you've find a mode which suits you. I'm very much in the process of finding a mode for myself. Eventually i'll find a way and i should really work on what you say in the second post. Self love and kindness. Cause that's sometimes missing and it creates a lot of stress

I'll ponder your answers, very helpful, thank you!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#520578 - 01/29/18 03:36 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
smc1972 Offline


Registered: 10/17/14
Posts: 185
Loc: SD
I struggle with porn and masturbation. I turn to both when I am stressed or feeling down. I try to stop looking at porn cause I feel so much guilt now after I finish looking at it. But while looking at it I feel this strange inner peace and enjoyment. I do masturbate without porn but I have memories that play like a movie so not sure it is ant better for me. The only good thing I guess is that if i am not looking at porn things end sooner. I feel shame but I then tell myself at least I did not look at porn.

I do wish I could stop both things.

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#520579 - 01/29/18 03:46 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
manipulated Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/26/14
Posts: 684
Loc: Great Lakes Wine Country
Ok smc I am going to be different and ask Why? What is wrong with masturbation? what is wrong with watching porn? And before others go off, I have struggled with guilt since the perp "accidently" left porn on top of a library book I was sent to fetch at age 10.

For me the urge, the need, the stress relief subsided when with my T, my lady friend, and two Weekends of Recovery I was finally able to release the guilt and recognize that when I masturbate I effect no one but myself. When I choose to watch porn regardless of "type" so long as the participants are of age and have legal capacity who is harmed? If no one is harmed why the guilt?

"at least I did not..." implies I should not; if I am effecting no one negatively why should I not? because someone else judged it wrong? without a phyical or psychological effect on another why am I judging and better yet why are THEY judging me?

Obviously I assume you are functioning and not letting porn or masturbation interfere in your work or relationships?
_________________________
.Be who you are and say what you feel
...............Because those who mind don't matter
............And those who matter don't mind.
.......................-- Dr. Seuss

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