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#520011 - 01/13/18 07:14 AM Re: Finally confronting this [Re: Elad1]
Ceremony Offline

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 3018
Loc: Minnesota
Thank you Elad1, the way you describe integrating parts is very helpful. I see it in my work, and future.

#520012 - 01/13/18 08:53 AM Re: Finally confronting this [Re: Surya25]
BDD Offline

Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 827
Loc: PA, USA

I'm resentful that I even have this knot and am beginning to realize that I may never disentangle it.

Long ago I settled into what has become a celibate marriage. My sexuality was so tainted and twisted, there was no room for it in the real world. Though I have kept working on myself, I gave up on the hope of ever feeling my body. Along with that, I gave up thinking I could ever feel some degree of intimacy and physical trust.
A while back, all that changed. I finally broke through enough to allow a small degree of it to come into my life. Though it's only a trickle, to me it like a blissful torrent.
I can happen. No promises that it will. But know it happened for me at the age of 57. I hope you find your path into a clearer you.

My avatar is the boy who was kidnapped.
He is the boy who escaped.

Owning It

#520056 - 01/14/18 01:04 PM Re: Finally confronting this [Re: Surya25]
Noah Barrett Offline

Registered: 01/03/18
Posts: 45
Loc: NW Georgia USA
Elad1, your reply just made a light bulb appear over my head. I never looked at it that way. You have definitely given me something to think about.

BDD, I can sympathize with that problem. For me, having sex wasn't the issue, enjoying it was. If I was with a woman and she wanted to, I would. But sometimes it would scare me. The physical feeling, the sounds we made would make me defensive. Sex was more like an unpleasant job rather than an act of love. I guess because my first sexual experience was painful, forced on me. Even being with someone that I knew wasn't going to hurt me I just couldn't shake that fear. I still can't shake that fear. I haven't "been" with anyone in years because of it. I think sex and intimacy are two different things. Sex is just a physical act. Intimacy is an emotional connection. I believe you can be intimate with someone without sex. Holding one another by a fire, sharing your hopes and dreams, sharing your affections with a poem, painting, or sculpture, etc... to me that's intimacy. An emotional connection I've never been able to make because sex itself was kind of a trigger. I hope that makes some sense. -Noah
Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody knows but me.
-Lefty Frizzell

need a giggle? watch this.

#520058 - 01/14/18 01:25 PM Re: Finally confronting this [Re: Surya25]
mdsmith Offline

Registered: 01/07/18
Posts: 11
Loc: maryland, usa
I agree with Noah, Elad1. The way you talked about integrating parts of you back into yourself make so much sense to me. And it made many light bulbs turn on and help me understand my own process better. Thank you.
For now... I have no idea what to write here.

#520092 - 01/15/18 03:19 PM Re: Finally confronting this [Re: BDD]
Surya25 Offline

Registered: 01/04/18
Posts: 27
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Thanks for the reply BDD. My own abuse was not as traumatic as that of many of the survivors here but it is still a source of confusion for me. Perhaps, like Elad1 said, I will one day be able to integrate the confusing parts into myself and thereby take back some self confidence.

#520401 - 01/23/18 02:22 PM Re: Finally confronting this [Re: Surya25]
motmcd Offline

Registered: 08/15/12
Posts: 278
Loc: PA
Welcome to MS, Surya. I'm glad you found this awesome community. Best of luck tapping into its endless source of inspiration.

I do many things well with mastery over nothing. I like it that way.

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