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#5198 - 09/01/01 02:09 AM Disconnected inside?

Hey, guys,

For the last several months I feel as though I have been churning inside and haven't been able to figure out what's going on. I have a wonderful family, a successful career, as well as terrific friends and many interests. If I were to summarize my life, I'd say I am truly blessed in so many ways.

But lately I've been feeling strange though the world is going on around me. Not entirely without me, though. I'm still doing a lot of the things that I've always done but I feel like a robot going through the motions. I do fine at work (all modesty aside, I am good at what I do!), I'm meeting all of my family and community responsibilities, but I just cannot figure out what's rattling around inside.

I got to wondering if, in fact, my childhood sexual abuse might be rearing its ugly head again (okay, so maybe that isn't the best choice of words!) and that I need to do some work. Decided to do some reading on the Internet and came across this great site. (Isn't it wonderful how the universe guides to where we need to be what we need to do?! I love it when this happens!)

The other day at work I was in a big group meeting (in an auditorium) and looked around the room at my colleagues (many of whom I like a lot) and wondered why I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I was thinking, "What the f--k am I doing here?" I was just feeling so out of disconnected.

My sexual abuse happened at age 4-5 and I didn't "remember" it until I was around 45. I did discuss it with my therapist at the time the memories surfaced, but we didn't dwell on it for any length of I thought I was cured....Yeah, right...

Anybody else have feelings like these? I'm over fifty and feel as though I should have it together by now.

Dynamite Don

#5199 - 09/01/01 12:12 PM Re: Disconnected inside?
bosishere Offline

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
hello Don. Thank you for your answer to my post on the gay survivor page. As I read that answer and this entry, I find that you have the same question(s) I have. why the hell does sexual abuse come forward in our mind when most of us don"t want it, or can't deal with it. If I may, I like you thought everything was going along okay, and my work life was very good, and I thought life and work would go on its merry way. What I do not understand, nor have answers for this mess, is why sexual abuse of men dosen't dome forward for us to deal with until 30,40, or 50 years AFTER IT HAPPENED. I, like you, thought I was making it, but then after a NYC subway train hit me, and I was taken to the nearest hospital, and that hospital has the same name as the hospital where the abuse took place back in MA in the early 50s. You memtion the word "disconnected" and I agree. I've been trying to deal with all of this mess for one (1)year and seeing a therepist all of that time, but I DON'T UNDERSTAND. As I have said before, I want it all to go away. I believe you feel as I do, why can't we go back to the days of "making it." bosishere

#5200 - 09/01/01 06:56 PM Re: Disconnected inside?
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1981
Loc: Northern Ohio
Hey guys, some posts hit right on target for me. These two did.
My past came flooding back after about 20+ years. And I wondered, "Why the Hell NOW?". Well, over time, I think it was because I was safe. My tormentor was dead, I had a job that paid well & I really enjoyed. There were a lot of positive things going on in my life. I was happy & confident, (for the first time) and things looked like they could only get better.
So what does this mean? It means I was mentally strong. I was in the best shape of my life to deal with the worst times of my life. Perhaps also, I let my gard down. Because the THREAT is gone, and things are well. I'm Not saying this is true for all, but it could be for some.
So now i'm left with the left-overs. And when you (don) mention square peg in round hole, It made me think of identity issues. Like, Is this really who I am. What did the SA keep me from becoming? Why am I doing this job, (or a multitude of other things),Or perhaps I AM the Square Peg, at Last!

#5201 - 09/02/01 03:43 AM Re: Disconnected inside?

Wow...this is insightful. I like your suggestion about being in a place of being mentally strong (Black Leaves), as this is an explanation that makes a lot of sense to me. Perhaps we're not presented with the need/opportunity to handle stuff until we're ready and able to handle it.


Omigod, talk about a wake-up call! A NYC subway train and a hospital with the same name of the hospital in which you were abused is, like, well the universe is really trying to get your attention, no?

Sounds as though this stuff is like layers on an onion...and you're peeling back another layer. My sense is that this will quiet down for you shortly as soon as you can heal some of the gaping wounds. But we're all here for you, right, guys?

Dynamite Don

#5202 - 09/02/01 04:26 AM Re: Disconnected inside?
Just Call me J Offline

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I have to pretty much agree with everyone.

One extension of that "until you're mentally strong" possibility, is that we got the hints of our abuse all along... but we chose to ignore them. Who's to say there were other signs in our life before, but they just didn't stick? The night of my revelation, I went over all the "evidence" throughout my life. I could have taken any number of those events to come up with SA (on a few, I remember consciously deciding "that's ridiculous"), but I didn't make that leap until July.

It was only after being confronted with my own feelings and responses to things at work (I work with abused kids) that I started to take it seriously. Then I also smoked pot with some close friends, so the defenses definitely went down. The rest, as they say, is history (you can check out my posts from that time... I wrote plenty).

I do agree that I wouldn't be here, in this forum, to deal with this reality of my life, if I wasn't ready to take it on.

As far as feeling disconnected, I'd have to say that it's about as spot-on a de>
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

#5203 - 09/03/01 03:04 AM Re: Disconnected inside?


Your point that we wouldn't be here in this forum unless we are ready (at least at some level) to tackle our SA speaks volumes! Thanks.

Dynamite Don

#5204 - 09/03/01 03:12 PM Re: Disconnected inside?

I hear you, man. I was like that too. I have a great wife (but she;s divorcing me), two great kids, had a beautiful house, goo djob, she has a great job, the American dream. but I felt like i wasn;t suppose to be there, especially when I started to remember the abuse. I felt like this was a life for a normal guy and i wasn;t normal and didn;t deserve everything I had, so I fucked it all up by pushing my wife away and sleeping arou,.d It gets better though and now I want my normal life b ack. i see now that the things I did to screw up my normal life weren;t healthy and that my normal life was the healthiest thing for me. I figured that there;s a rason that my wife wanted me and married me and had kids with me and stayed with me for all these years until finally my sleeping around go to be too much for her but she was there for me for a long time. I miss it all and know that the best way to get over the SA is to live a good life, be a good man, a good husband, a good father. If I give all that up then my abuser wins. Work with your wife, she needs you in your normal life.

#5205 - 09/04/01 12:19 AM Re: Disconnected inside?

Big Bear,

This is good advice. Since I have rediscovered my SA and found this web site, I have been talking with my wife about it. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse herself, she is totally empathetic and supportive. We have both been in therapy (individual and couples counseling) and that, of course, has given us a common language and a greater understanding of where each of us is coming from. I loved it when - years ago - a shrink told us...."It's no accident that the two of you found one another." Truer words were never spoken!

Anyway, she is being wonderful about this. Moreover, she has been wonderful to put up with my crazy behaviors over these many years. I am feeling so blessed and your reminder is a good one.

Any chance of you (BB) reconciling with your wife? Does she know of your childhood SA? Although the fact that you were sexually abused doesn't alter the facts or excuse your behaviors, I am wondering if, in fact, she could see where you are coming from and if this makes a difference?

It appears from what you've written that you really love your wife and kids. Hollow I-can-change pleas are generally unsuccessful, but I'm wondering that if you were in therapy and working on your issues if that would make a difference.

Keep us up to date, bro.

Dynamite Don


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