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#517584 - 11/12/17 05:38 AM Veteran's Day
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 515
Loc: Colorado
It's been another Veterans day, I've spent the evening alone and the later it gets, the more I think about the life I've had, and the life I wanted. My friends know I've had a different war. They know of the abuse and assaults, and that my battles continue. A friend that's still active duty told me I completed my 20 year commitment and then some as I spend the rest of my life trying to heal. I trust him but don't completely feel it. I hope that changes because there's a guilt when someone in the general public assumes the origins of my struggles. I feel I'm nobody's hero. My thinking is more like, "I was a man.....once", and know they'd look passed me if they knew what my deal really is.

I've just been shedding more tears tonight, sitting here thinking about how many other Vets are hurting like I am, how many feel alone and didn't get out today, whether it's TBI, combat PTSD, MST, cPTSD, a combination, or other things. I think of all of those who served before me, and I'm missing my Grandpa who left me with a handful of memories that have gotten me through all these years.
_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then me the imaginary number

Abuse Part I&II
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...7031#Post517031

Part III&IV
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...7032#Post517032

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#517586 - 11/12/17 05:41 AM Re: Veteran's Day [Re: usmc97]
iaccus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/14
Posts: 702
Loc: Idaho
You are a warrior, you are a survivor, you are my brother! be well USMC!

..


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#517659 - 11/13/17 10:57 PM Re: Veteran's Day [Re: usmc97]
AOAN72 Offline


Registered: 10/24/17
Posts: 49
Loc: Simi Valley, California
It’s been a couple of days but you aren’t alone in this. Hoping this week will be better for you.

From another vet, be well.
_________________________
Acceptance and love.
Jim

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#517660 - 11/13/17 11:10 PM Re: Veteran's Day [Re: usmc97]
iaccus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/14
Posts: 702
Loc: Idaho
Originally Posted By usmc97
My thinking is more like, "I was a man.....once", and know they'd look passed me if they knew what my deal really is.


We just re-read your post and this particular line just jumped out. That is EXACTLY how we feel. If they really knew the weight we carry around. The weight of the abuse, the fractured mind, the guilt and the weight of the things we experienced performing our duties. These things are what wake us in the night screaming or laying there in silence knowing we can never express these things to another human being.

I feel deep shame among other survivors, among other veterans. We spent a lifetime being the biggest badest motherfucker around, but what they didn't know was that in reality, it was all just an attempt to keep them away. The expression of hate, anger, and violence was a reflection of the demons who reside in the recesses of our shattered mind.

Since our fall (that is the most accurate description) we feel like there is a scarlet letter tattoed on our forehead. As if everyone who casually passes knows everything. And so I hide behind the vest, the sunglasses, the low hat, and the avoidance of contact.

Silently waiting for this all to end.

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#519906 - 01/10/18 10:29 PM Re: Veteran's Day [Re: usmc97]
mdsmith Offline


Registered: 01/07/18
Posts: 11
Loc: maryland, usa
I know that this post thread was written a bit ago. But I wanted to say thank you for writing it and thank you to those who responded. I retired from the Marines a couple of years ago. And one of the things that I am just now coming to grips with is that being a Marine gave me a mask to hide behind. It gave me an act to occupy to keep distance from people. And it gave me a set of rules on how to interact with people. And those rules made the world manageable because to me it didn't make sense. It still doesn't make complete sense. I am just trying to remember that everyday breathing is a day to heal and move forward on the path of healing.
_________________________
For now... I have no idea what to write here.

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#519963 - 01/11/18 10:44 PM Re: Veteran's Day [Re: usmc97]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 2051
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
that is well said mdsmith.




thanks for your real tears usmc97.

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#522868 - 04/16/18 12:41 AM Re: Veteran's Day [Re: mdsmith]
iaccus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/14
Posts: 702
Loc: Idaho
Spot on target mdsmith! Now fire for effect, we are listening!

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