This is something I should be more focused in, maybe. I kind of know how both of them feel like, but even my experiences with ASA must be tainted by what happened to me when I was a child. I had already been dominated once, if someone such as him knew the formula to break me it would be very easy to do it again, and that's what happened.
I'm glad for the answers of the men in this old, old topic. They have written many of the things that I've felt these last two years since I was assaulted again and again by the person I trusted all my horrible memories to, and I don't know if I'd be able to put these feelings out in the open as they have.
I have so much work to do if I want to get better still. I feel broken in shards and hopeless, like it's impossible to rebuild again because I'm not only not a man, I'm not human. These words were drilled into me when I was a boy and when I thought I managed not to believe them they were drilled again into me as a man, by a person who helped me believe I wasn't completely broken and deserved to be glued together.
Sometimes I feel too much despair to be able to continue living and I want to start screaming because it's like no one understands what it is to be quite this broken. And I wonder if it would be the same, if I would still allow this to happen to me as man if I hadn't been torn apart as a child? I don't know, I can't know that.
I still feel weak just thinking of the possibility of being raped again, and knowing that even though I'm 31 I can't manage to protect myself.