I've been reading everyone else's posts ...i want to share my thoughts but...just can't yet

Darkheart,

When you feel you can share we will be more than glad to listen. In the meantime please know that we are glad you are here with us on this forum.


Daryl

Thanks Daryl ...I'm ready. It's just hard to form the words right now...too visceral ..raw. you guys know what I'm talking about.

Just glad that we can all support each other

Forrest

Forrest,

Yes we do know what you mean. I understand the razor blades under the skin as a man writes each word.

Before coming here the only contact I had ever had with a man who was assaulted as an adult was on the phone. He was the contact person of the hospital I was checking myself into almost fourteen years ago. This has been of great support to me.

Glad to have that support as well.


Daryl

Daryl, same here...my only contact prior was a guy that had csa...ended up using me for sex and money ...

Here, i feel supported and secure...it feels good

my perp didn't get to rape me...but he try to over-power me and kiss me. he grabbed my leg and say nasty stuff to me. He was interviewing me for a job!! and this guys was super repulsive.

This is something I should be more focused in, maybe. I kind of know how both of them feel like, but even my experiences with ASA must be tainted by what happened to me when I was a child. I had already been dominated once, if someone such as him knew the formula to break me it would be very easy to do it again, and that's what happened.

I'm glad for the answers of the men in this old, old topic. They have written many of the things that I've felt these last two years since I was assaulted again and again by the person I trusted all my horrible memories to, and I don't know if I'd be able to put these feelings out in the open as they have.

I have so much work to do if I want to get better still. I feel broken in shards and hopeless, like it's impossible to rebuild again because I'm not only not a man, I'm not human. These words were drilled into me when I was a boy and when I thought I managed not to believe them they were drilled again into me as a man, by a person who helped me believe I wasn't completely broken and deserved to be glued together.

Sometimes I feel too much despair to be able to continue living and I want to start screaming because it's like no one understands what it is to be quite this broken. And I wonder if it would be the same, if I would still allow this to happen to me as man if I hadn't been torn apart as a child? I don't know, I can't know that.

I still feel weak just thinking of the possibility of being raped again, and knowing that even though I'm 31 I can't manage to protect myself.

I have never clicked on the ASA part of the site before now. Why? I suppose I thought the CSA was the root and therefore the relevant area of the site. I felt like a boy until 25 when I started the long journey of facing the past. The last time I was sexual abused was when I was 23/24. That is not counting a time when a counsellor tried it on with me. I had known this friend from the prostitution days and we had never had sex, he was a friend. I trusted him because I had known him for 5 years. He was younger than me and had never tried it on with me. He just said lets have a drink. I had not had a drink for about 4 years. I did not suspect anything. I don't know if he spiked it or if I was just extremely drunk but I woke up with him busy. I don't remember what he was doing. It was so similar to previous experiences that all I did was internally cut him off and plan to avoid him for the rest of eternity. Does someone who is trapped in boyhood CSA able to respond differently as an adult?(before healing) Now I see an overlap......the line is not simply 16-18 or other. I can't imagine what the experience must have been like for those not from a CSA background! It must be terrible!

I'm very sad to read comments