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#519596 - 01/01/18 11:49 PM Masturbation
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
[[First of all, happy new year to all of you]]

I've been thinking about masturbation for some time now. I know it a lot longer than thinking about it lol

It has been with me ever since i was a young boy. Especially in my teen years i was hyper sexual and so gave in to masturbation a lot. Lately i've been really thinking about what it means to me. As i'm single and not having any sexual interaction for years, all i did was masturbation.

But then i started paying attention a little bit closer. I started to notice that masturbation did not make me feel better. I've noticed this pattern before with alcohol, but i never quite thought that masturbation had the same effect on me. Sexuality seems to be working more subtle, and seems to be engraved in my mind a lot deeper. Cause in dreams or in waking life, i would constantly become triggered by what i saw. And if that didn't work, my mind made sure i would be hooked on something (for instance butts from the ladies) so that i could only stop the continuous thought by giving in to masturbation.

As i'm learning to let go of struggling with sexuality on a daily basis and instead just accept that i don't need to worry about it, i feel that masturbation is no longer healthy for me. Healthy in a sense that it keeps me from moving forward. So it's also very important to recognize what causes me to be triggered and to prevent these triggers from becoming too big to handle. Really need to be mindful about everything. Porn is a big no, as it is a 100% trigger. And i need to start looking to women in a different way too. No longer using them to fantasize, but instead interact with them in real life.

Cause deep down inside i feel that by masturbating all the time, i take away the chance to learn and interact with women on a deeper level in real life. Why would i take the risk if i got what i've had for the past 20 odd years? Unless there is something bigger than this short explosion which leaves me unsatisfied.

So for me this year i'll be working on giving up masturbation. First for a while and if it feels good i might lengthen the period.

I was wondering what you guys feel about this subject. I've seen quite a few people here who get the advice from the therapist to watch porn and to masturbate as a means to release the pressure. I'm not against that, but i've noticed that that no longer does the trick for me.
I was wondering what are your thoughts on the matter. What do you think? Is masturbation something we need? Or can we live without it?

Thanks in advance for sharing guys!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#519607 - 01/02/18 07:52 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
LoneWolfX Offline


Registered: 08/04/17
Posts: 391
Note that I have mas_____ shame so my answer may seem hypocritical to my own feelings - I (try to) express the opinion of psychologists.

Mas______ is not something we need like air or food but sexuality is an innate part of who we are as humans (and animals). But by not need (i.e. you won't die if you don't do it) it does not mean that sexuality is not necessary for healthy functioning.

Life is to be enjoyed so if you enjoy mas_______ then go for it! There is nothing wrong with it. The problem is about balance. If it is so excessive it interrupts daily functioning and relationships then it is unhealthy.

If you are not in a relationship mas_____ can be the only way to release your sexual energy. I think too much may also be a problem because what happens if mas_____ feels better than sex - why do you even need a girlfriend? (Obviously there is more to having a girlfriend than just sex!)

TRIGGER
My advice is to not give up mas______ but limit its frequency. If you do it everyday then try for twice a week.

As regards porn my opinion is probably not in line with most people's opinion. I do not think it is morally wrong but I think it is unhealthy. I think quitting porn is a much better thing to do than quitting mas_______.
But again my view on porn is extreme. I gave up porn and have not "used" it for about 5 years at least. I don't miss it. But for me it was not hard to do as I did not ever use it frequently.

Hope that helps.

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#519615 - 01/02/18 04:10 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
Thanks for sharing your thoughts LoneWolf.
I agree on porn with you. Can't say that i haven't used it in the last 5 years, but it becomes easier and easier to live without it. It has always been an easy trigger, but i kinda have the feeling 'been there done that'

Considering the enjoyment of life, i agree we have sexual energy. But limiting the frequency won't do the trick for me i've noticed. It somewhat works like a chain-reaction. And it takes me a lot of effort to stop mas____ if i done it a few times a week.

For me right now the balance seems to be to let go of it all together. Moderation does not work for me. But that's also because there is always a part in me which does not enjoy mas___ Don't know whether it's shame or guilt or just a basic feeling of unsatisfactory. Think it's the latter. I've done it so much, but it doesn't bring me anything but a short relief.

Most important part for me is that this time i don't want to force myself, cause that's what went wrong the last few times i tried to tackle this subject.

Thanks for sharing, i wish to learn more to work on this issue smile
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#519631 - 01/03/18 12:38 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 1215
Loc: Southern US
Is masturbation something we need? Or can we live without it?

I think the answer to both questions is YES.

As fully functioning human beings we need, from time to time, sexual release. If not through inner action with a partner, then most likely solo. Most of us as we go through puberty and the early years are without partners. So the guilt that seems to be heaped on most of us (at least in my case) only adds to the anxiety of a never ending cycle. Masturbation followed by a temporary exultation, followed by guilt, followed by a promise to ourselves that we'll stop, followed by masturbation,followed by guilt, etc. etc. As you pointed out, it can become monotonous and seemingly a waste of time, even to the point it becomes our obsession instead of a pleasurable physical sensation. Whether through masturbation or some other sexual expression, it seems to me it must be acknowledged. How we deal with the sexual urge is where we have so many choices for our own path to fulfillment.

On the one hand, where we deal with what I think is a fact of masturbation, or some alternate method of fulfillment, that method could be entirely without consideration of masturbation. It wasn't too many years ago when there was a conscious effort to stop masturbation as a scourge to young people.
Extreme physical exertion was the answer. You must abstain. Guilt. Threat of "going blind" or becoming insane if you kept it up. Sleep with your hands always above the cover. You'd get unsightly hair in the palm of your hand.

Yes, I think we do need masturbation (or some substitute that will fill our human needs). And Yes we can live without it.
_________________________
When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. - Peter Marshall

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#519743 - 01/06/18 12:41 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you for your perspective Bluedogone.

I must say that i agree with what you have shared, though on a few points i've chosen to go a different route. Throughout the last few years, i've learned for myself that it helps me the best if i let go of things completely. That is, if i have a problem with it.

And i realize that my problem is not necessary the masturbation itself, as you also say. There is not really a problem with masturbation. It just takes a lot of time and energy, which i want to use for different things.

This week i was reading in a book by a Buddhist nun and she summed it up very well, though she didn't speak about masturbation or sex. But in her line of thinking masturbation is one of those things i use to keep me from feeling what's going on inside myself. It is an escape vent, if i feel down or lonely. But instead of looking away, i want to try a different approach. Why not face the things which are popping up in my life head on?
This line of thought clicked with me, as i see masturbation as a way of not having to deal with who i am (and drinking was the same for me in the past). I can go on and daydream and fantasize about who i want to become, but the fact is that i am who i am right now.

So in a way this touches on what you write in the last sentence. The way i see it now (at this point in time, cause the perspective might shift again), is that i can live without the substitutes. And from what i've read this week, my life could very well become easier and more meaningful.

So i guess it's not so much about masturbation anymore, but more about facing the facts of who i am with everything which comes along (loneliness, fear, anxiety, despair). Am i able to stay with these feelings and thoughts without running? I am willing smile
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#519808 - 01/08/18 10:10 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
I’ve been working on my masturbation for the past several years. Like, journeying with it. I too prefer to not use porn, as it makes me jealous and unsatisfied. I quit porn 2+ years ago, yet the images are still in my head.

I’ve found that it isn’t healthy for me to say no to masturbation, which has become a huge self-love tool I enjoy and a way to manage my very significant sexual energy.

Quitting has been impossible for me. I seem to feel best when I ejaculate once a day, at bedtime.

Last year I experimented with ejaculating only every 3rd day, or 6th day, it was super difficult. I had tons of energy that wasn’t manageable.

I wish you the best as you explore abstinence. It can work wonders for some people, I’m positive.

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#519809 - 01/08/18 10:16 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
Winterfr3sh Offline


Registered: 01/26/17
Posts: 71
Loc: Missouri
PS - totally understand the use of masturbation to run from feelings. I still struggle with that. Today I ejaculated way too early in the day. It always feels bad if I do it early out of stress or something.

Self love and kindness needs to be given to myself when I make those sorts of mistakes, though.

The most healing masturbation is done from a place of curiosity and stability. I keep a journal nearby to help ground me, or put me in a stable place, so that I’m free to enjoy my body without losing myself in an escape.

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#520015 - 01/13/18 03:28 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
Thank you Winterfr3sh! I recognize a lot.. images of porn sticking in the mind.. heck i still have the images from booklets i've seen many years ago..

Good to hear you've find a mode which suits you. I'm very much in the process of finding a mode for myself. Eventually i'll find a way and i should really work on what you say in the second post. Self love and kindness. Cause that's sometimes missing and it creates a lot of stress

I'll ponder your answers, very helpful, thank you!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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#520578 - 01/29/18 03:36 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
smc1972 Offline


Registered: 10/17/14
Posts: 188
Loc: SD
I struggle with porn and masturbation. I turn to both when I am stressed or feeling down. I try to stop looking at porn cause I feel so much guilt now after I finish looking at it. But while looking at it I feel this strange inner peace and enjoyment. I do masturbate without porn but I have memories that play like a movie so not sure it is ant better for me. The only good thing I guess is that if i am not looking at porn things end sooner. I feel shame but I then tell myself at least I did not look at porn.

I do wish I could stop both things.

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#520579 - 01/29/18 03:46 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
manipulated Online   sad
Greeter

Registered: 09/26/14
Posts: 726
Loc: Great Lakes Wine Country
Ok smc I am going to be different and ask Why? What is wrong with masturbation? what is wrong with watching porn? And before others go off, I have struggled with guilt since the perp "accidently" left porn on top of a library book I was sent to fetch at age 10.

For me the urge, the need, the stress relief subsided when with my T, my lady friend, and two Weekends of Recovery I was finally able to release the guilt and recognize that when I masturbate I effect no one but myself. When I choose to watch porn regardless of "type" so long as the participants are of age and have legal capacity who is harmed? If no one is harmed why the guilt?

"at least I did not..." implies I should not; if I am effecting no one negatively why should I not? because someone else judged it wrong? without a phyical or psychological effect on another why am I judging and better yet why are THEY judging me?

Obviously I assume you are functioning and not letting porn or masturbation interfere in your work or relationships?
_________________________
.Be who you are and say what you feel
...............Because those who mind don't matter
............And those who matter don't mind.
.......................-- Dr. Seuss

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#520582 - 01/29/18 03:55 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
smc1972 Offline


Registered: 10/17/14
Posts: 188
Loc: SD
Manipulated,
I am sitting here thinking about what you have asked and I guess cause I will watch porn for a long time like just emerse myself in it. I was introduced to porn at an early age and have been viewing I guess most all my life.

As for masturbation I know you are right it is not a bad thing but I guess what I do that makes it bad to me is I use my memories as a child. Things that I did and I enjoy it then I feel such shame afterward like how could I do that why did I do that.

I would like to be normal.

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#520588 - 01/29/18 04:31 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 433
Loc: MO
OCN et al

except for about a half dozen on night stands my sex desires or energy have always been greater than my partner. So I masturbate. I use porn to help my arousal. This in part is necessary because of my anti-depressant PAXIL.

MY current girl friend gave up sex about three years ago. She said she was perfectly O K with my having csex outside oir relationship. She believed in and wanted monogamy I felt if I were going to pursue our relationship I should honor her values.
Now that she has moved away I will attempt to get into a sexual relationship. When and if I am successful I will discuss this with her. Until then I will continue to use porn and masturbate.

My two cents for what it is worth.

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#520589 - 01/29/18 04:40 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 185
Loc: Missouri
When I was on it, I had to skip my dose of Paxil in order to have relations with my wife, otherwise, fail. Paxil sure changed my life, though. I met and married my wife right after I went on it. The only downside other than the sexual one was the dramatic weight gain, but it might be a chicken and egg question because before my heart was racing so much that I was under weight.

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#520590 - 01/29/18 05:08 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: CelloL]
2Bnormal51 Offline


Registered: 01/09/18
Posts: 35
Loc: Canada
Greetings CelloL,

I was on paxil for a year some 17 yrs ago.
I also put on weight, and that depressed me. I have sleep depravation and it screwed up my day, due to sleeping problems. I finally cut down on my medication, and finished last prescription, and I'm glad I was off it.
I will say that it did help me to "calm" down is some respect, and realize that I needed to learn to say no, to toxic people, and stop being a "superman".
But I don't know if you realize this, but Paxil is a dangerous medication. A warning about the side affects came out on TV a few years back that caused major problems and a law suit went out against it's use.
I would look into it if I were you.
Later.....

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#520601 - 01/30/18 08:48 AM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 185
Loc: Missouri
I used Paxil 1997-2003 and then was switched to Lexipro 2003-2005 ending when I lost insurance. I think the Paxil changed my life for the better - relief from anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, depression, and tachycardia. I don't think I'd ever want to go back on it but for me it was life changing in mostly good ways. One odd thing is I didn't care about chocolate or any other sweets until I was on Paxil. Now I desire chocolate (still don't care about other sweets). At 6'1" before Paxil I weighed 160 and in some pictures looked like a famine victim, after my weight shot up to 200 in a year or two, gradually increasing more after that. I don't know if I can blame Paxil for sexual problems in the years after talking it.

Right now I'm not on any SSRI. I am on a beta blocker. I've skipping it at night lately because I've been having a lot of sleep problems and my wife read that propanolol can add to the problems, which surprised me because of noticing drowsiness as a side effect. The doctor told me this med would help with 3 issues: tachycardia/heart rhythm, migraines, and my mitral valve. Since late December I've been free of migraines because of the colder weather. My sleep is still a mess.


Edited by CelloL (01/30/18 06:23 PM)

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#520629 - 01/31/18 03:38 AM Re: Masturbation **Trigger Warning** [Re: CelloL]
2Bnormal51 Offline


Registered: 01/09/18
Posts: 35
Loc: Canada
I had sleep problems while on paxil, before paxil I had no problem sleeping, it seems sleeping was a wonderful escape from my world of pain, depression, just a wonderful place to be.
But when I took paxil, I could only sleep for about 3 hrs per night wake up, and just get on with my day. Then during the day, if I sat down for a short period of time I would nod off to sleep.
I also had something that felt like electric shocks going through my body while on it. It was not comfortable whatsoever, there were times I wished it was over. But I did suffer different type of depression after I was on for about 7 months along with the weight gain.
But like yourself, there were some benefits, which I am thankful for, it helped me to calm down, and not feel so much anxiety. While on it I tended to concentrate on being more creative, so I took up doing art work on circular Cheese Boxes, and selling them. Also I got more involved with improving my baking skills.
But masturbating was still very much on my agenda, along with looking at naked men with erections on the Internet. I also struggled with same sex attractions, but I did not succumb to having sex relations with anyone.
I was mesmerized with my penis and the elation of masturbating, and I started to get into "edging".
I had deep insecurities about my mannerisms, and anxious that many would look at me and label me as a gay. To this day I still have struggles with accepting myself as a man, and I feel looking at naked men hopefully will help me accept myself as a man.
Watching other men masturbating and edging is still a strong hold but I do realize that I do not desire to be with a man on a sexual level, to perform sex.
Once I was off the paxil I lost the weight, but it never fully resolved my hyper energy that I still have to this day. When hyper my whole body seems ultra sensitive, especially my nipples, and geared to masturbate, to calm me down.
It's like something within that I can feel, like a warm wave of sexual energy will come over me, and I want to start the masturbation process. Especially when I am in a depression, to masturbate just sets and energy level in me which chases away the depression, sometime I will feel guilty afterward, other times not.

I guess this is enough for now, sure hope it comes across understandably.
Later......

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#520793 - 02/05/18 10:19 AM Re: Masturbation **Trigger Warning** [Re: 2Bnormal51]
CelloL Offline


Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 185
Loc: Missouri
2Bnormal51, your experience with Paxil is interesting. I've had sleep problems all my adult life. I dread going to bed and I dread the next day. The next day used to mean more bullying and panic attacks were in store for me.

I've had that feeling of electric shocks going through my body, but I don't remember whether they were all during the 6 years I was on Paxil. I'd associate the feeling of falling off a cliff with Benadryl and feeling draggy the next day.

I've never lost the weight I gained from Paxil, although I'm working on that now.

Masturbation was something I resisted except to stop wet dreams from happening that made me feel more shame. I've never had the sexual drive I hear that some men have. I've never been able to achieve an orgasm more than once in 48 hours.

The shame, the guilt I've carried my whole adult life has finally been relieved because of this web site. It's been a relief to finally discuss and read on subjects I never talked in person.

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#521079 - 02/16/18 01:57 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
JamesM Offline


Registered: 01/30/18
Posts: 77
Loc: UK
I always found masturbation unsatisfying and eventually realised I was reliving sexual abuse by an older male. Thinking about him directly was difficult and I had avoided memories of having been aroused by him for many years. Thinking about the sexual arousal was the easy part, thinking about the more aggressive ways he abused me was much harder. Nowadays I am not aroused if I am reminded of him and masturbation whilst thinking about him does not work. I guess I masturbate when I feel like it nowadays, rather than using it to try and relieve the strong anxiety that he left me with.

I have been working on the deep sadness and emptiness my father left me with, I think each time he sexually abused me I remembered it all again. I go there sometimes, but that is not masturbation and I cannot really control it. I do not like the very hard erections I get when the abuse memories surface and I can feel him as if he were inside me. I do not like to know that he was my father and changing my name as I used to want to do would make no difference to how I feel. As a teenager I started masturbating frequently, but avoided sex for years until I met someone who wanted to understand me and she helped me realise I had a normal sexual response.

I had always wanted to understand what made me want to masturbate, rather than just hoping the urge would go away. I hoped that with therapy I might make more sense of my childhood experiences, both good and abusive. I understand when exploring relationships with women that masturbation feels unhealthy and a barrier to trust. I needed to make sense of my own tendency to masturbate whilst feeling ashamed about having had homosexual experiences as a child. My father used to leave novels about rape and violence around the house and I used to read them when I was 11. I do wonder nowadays what was in his mind when he was abusing me.

If a therapist had told me to masturbate and watch porn I would not have gone back. I am sure that they should be working with their clients to understand their emotions, but promoting potentially unhealthy behaviours might just make things worse. I would view such a therapist as in the wrong field. In spite of what I have written, I view masturbation as up to the individual and not something to be ashamed of. If I felt aroused by men I would nowadays consider exploring that, but I do not. I am much more relaxed with men nowadays and no longer feel anxious talking to them.

When I was 9 I remember thinking about my teenage abuser at night and wanting him to make me feel good again. When I was 11 I was extremely ashamed of that and worried about my sexuality. Quite soon I avoided thinking about him and his abuse, since I could not cope with it, although it must have been available to my conscious mind. Fear made me avoid thinking about him, although he left me with many triggers that sometimes caused increasing panic and avoidance. I am sure my masturbation as a teenager grew out of this, although I did not think of him directly.

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#521370 - 02/28/18 09:04 PM Re: Masturbation [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 416
Loc: Western Europe
Thanks for all your posts guys. I've been fortunate enough not having to deal with medication. So can't really say anything about it. I do believe it can help people, but i don't like the level of dependence it can create. Anyways, if you are using any, i wish that it helps you to cope with life and help you to progress on your journey of recovery.

Originally Posted By "JamesM"
In spite of what I have written, I view masturbation as up to the individual and not something to be ashamed of. If I felt aroused by men I would nowadays consider exploring that, but I do not. I am much more relaxed with men nowadays and no longer feel anxious talking to them.

I recognize this a lot. I used to be unaware of the why, but men could really creep me out. After i found out the reason, it became a lot easier. And exploring things works much better than suppressing things. You just have to be ready for that..
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

I now know who I am - I've never been anybody else!

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