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#517869 - 11/18/17 06:14 AM gender identity confusion
Shawni J. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/03
Posts: 8
Loc: Texas
I have been doing good for a long time now in slowly working though my issues with my CSA and have actually stopped therapy because of learning good coping skill but lately a new problem has been starting to bother me. I guess it has been present all along but for some reason it is now an issue for me. It is something I find it hard to express what exactly i am feeling in my head, but to try to be specific, more and more lately I have been finding myself wanting to be more like a female than a male, but only in my thoughts and emotions. I am not gay or bi and am married with a family and have no desire to dress or put on make up like a woman.
I enjoy and trust only the company of women and do not have any desire to hang around or be friends with men. I have basically always had only female friends and colleagues who throughout my life have protected me from those who wanted to be hurtful, and comforted me when I have been stressed or hurting. I feel completely comfortable talking about anything with them and they are likewise comfortable with me. To them I have always been considered one of the girls. My wife has at times even gently mentioned that i am more of a girl than she is. Crazy as it seems, even though this is the way i feel, I am hoping that it is not the beginning of me going down the path of becoming transgender. If any one has had similar conflicts or is transgendered and can offer advice besides going back to a therapist, i definitely would appreciate your thoughts.
_________________________
S.J.

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#517873 - 11/18/17 09:33 AM Re: gender identity confusion [Re: Shawni J.]
AOAN72 Offline


Registered: 10/24/17
Posts: 21
Loc: Simi Valley, California
S.J. I am not an expert, but I wanted to let you know that I too have more comfort socializing with women especially when my wife is there. I don't have to worry about being "the guy" I can laugh and joke and enjoy their company. I have always felt "off" when it was obvious by society's standards I should go out to the garage and play pool and drink beer with the rest of the fellas. I ended up staying with the women. just a thought
_________________________
Acceptance and love I think are among the most powerful words in the world.

I can only promise a non judgmental and sympathetic ear to listen

Jim

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#517875 - 11/18/17 10:32 AM Re: gender identity confusion [Re: Shawni J.]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2023
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Shawni J. It's awesome to hear you're in a relationship that's comforting, with a partner attune to you, and you saying you are also. That's a place of security for sure, one I'm sure helps to do any work needed with your issues.

This one that you're describing, is one I've read a bit, from a transgender blog I follow every day, and other reading and news. I'm not transgender, and know I won't be, it's a clear sense that one is definitely the wrong gender. There are however a spectrum of gender fluid identities, and it would take some time to explore those. Like I stated, I've followed a trans blog, and not a gender fluid blog, and there is a difference. I've seen acceptance across the spectrum, but not wholly within the LGBT community. Changing gender or knowing identity is a touchy subject in some circles, and bringing it up to ones partner can be considered an intense event.

Within gender fluid can be transvestite, or those who spend a lot of time dressing to present as a woman, who find it a need to look the part, but not be made a new gender. They're not trying to trick anyone, or force themselves into anyone's personal space, nor find an excuse to use women's restrooms, that's far from reality for an identity issue. Getting further into this topic we can add a cross dresser, and now it's semantics with transvestite. Though, it seems there will be those who will remain closeted, and just let them have cross dresser if that makes them happy.

Now, there's a reality of genetic issues too, and feeling effeminate, or maleness, which incorporates into someone's persona and presents to the public or their circle only, in the way you describe. I'm not writing from an expert researcher, but from an experiential platform. I've written how I too have felt sensitive, and enjoy femininity as I see it (which may not be how women see it??) I'm also low T, and have long wondered if some of my mild manner, stems from that fact? It seems logical. I think some perceive it as weakness, and in my life, it seems to me, it's made me a target for certain things, including what happened to me.

I have not had the good fortune to have a wife (I'm married) whom I can converse about any of this, so I do find it helpful to write about it here on MS. I don't have any face to face friends like me either, or current face to face friends at all. I can visit my brother and sister in-law, but it would be nice to have a friend in real life.

I'm sad that it is a difficult thing for too much of society to accept transgender, transvestite and gender fluid identity. These realities are not threats to others personally, and can be considered to open the community who identify to a wide range of misconceptions, disdain and hate. I see myself as an advocate now, after spending so much time reading and posting comments to that blog. I have become better able to look at myself because of the way the blogger presents their life and the news of history, society and community.

I think we all want acceptance of whom we are, but is it something to worry about our personality? I do for sure, so I am not really asking, that's more rhetorical. I don't like to be looked down on by other men, and in most things, I don't do much to worry about that, I'll play the role as needed, a chameleon like persona if that makes sense. Not individual identities, but just enough sports, so that I don't have to know every damn player, or care if there's a big game on today. I don't! I do know mechanics, and am very proficient building, remodeling and the wide range of things that involves. I consider myself an expert, but I'm not an engineer. I know how to defer and ask those questions though, I wish it would translate to a new job, but that's become very difficult. I'm scared too, I'm anxious that the environment and personality needed to be in a position where I'm not self employed, or sales, would be hard on me? My stuff...


So, anyway, where was I, and did I answer any of the things you're concerned about? I think so, but this is a pretty deep topic, and this thread just started. Perhaps others have their experiences too, and when conversion therapy, religious dogma or other societal misguided sidetracking come into play, the whole thing gets very messy. I know, one can be a Christian and know all this to be reality. I'm Christian, and I'm a trans LGBT advocate, and ally. Marginalizing people is the worst thing to me, and seeing it daily in the news stirs my ire, adding a bit of grounding work I would prefer I didn't have to do.

I identify male, and from your description, that won't change for you either. You can explore genetic issues for people, who have an extra X Chromosome, or low T, or gender fluid, or gender identity. I ask, that you consider word choices are helpful to build ourselves and others' self esteem. That is controversial to current societal interactions, and I'm not trying to advise about that. I'm trying to implore the need to help ourselves by considering how we say things to ourselves. I'm learning this presently, and many here use affirmations, which I've barely scratched the surface. I see the value to self care.

Best wishes, and I hope there's more discussion.


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#517912 - 11/19/17 12:10 PM Re: gender identity confusion [Re: Shawni J.]
SDD757 Offline


Registered: 10/08/17
Posts: 120
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Shawn,

Some other things to think about is our society seems to have a hyper-masculinity. If you enjoys softer feminine things does not mean that you are any less a male. This does not mean you are on a road to becoming transgender.

Gender and sexual identity are separate, yet confusing, a person can be a transwoman and still be sexually attracted to females.

Even if you have gender dysphoria it does not mean you have to transition, many do not transition and find a way to deal with the feelings.

I am probably the same way as you, I don't feel like I fit in with males. I am a scared of the 'macho' conversations, I feel like I may be asked something that I can't give the correct guy answer to.

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#517913 - 11/19/17 12:13 PM Re: gender identity confusion [Re: Ceremony]
SDD757 Offline


Registered: 10/08/17
Posts: 120
Loc: Chesapeake, VA
Quote:
This one that you're describing, is one I've read a bit, from a transgender blog I follow every day, and other reading and news. I'm not transgender, and know I won't be, it's a clear sense that one is definitely the wrong gender. There are however a spectrum of gender fluid identities, and it would take some time to explore those. Like I stated, I've followed a trans blog, and not a gender fluid blog, and there is a difference. I've seen acceptance across the spectrum, but not wholly within the LGBT community. Changing gender or knowing identity is a touchy subject in some circles, and bringing it up to ones partner can be considered an intense event.


Is this a blog you can share? If not, can you PM it to me?

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