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#51770 - 03/11/03 05:20 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Sleepy Offline

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
This thread is growing fast. You're certainly not alone in this. Things have changed so much for me in the last year that sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel desperately lonely. It's like I have a profound sense of loss for many of my dear old friends that have past through my life.

As I come out of denial and realize that I grew up in a dysfunctional family those feelings of loss become greater. Though, I'm not sure why. Maybe I just want something to remain the same for me.

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

#51771 - 03/11/03 07:00 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
RickL Offline

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
This topic is obviously hitting a nerve..

That empty feeling of aloneness inside has been with me my whole life. I relate to all of the comments made here so far. Jer, I very much agree with you that it isn't just from the sexual abuse, but growing up in a dysfunctional family. The lack of affection in my family, the verbal abuse, the wierd dynamics in order to avoid my dad's wrath--it all played a big part.

Just recently I observed a young couple "snuggle" with each other affectionately. It seemed to underscore my feelings of aloneness, lonliness and grief over what I have had only crumbs of in my life.

And even when I was married, and my marriage was good, I felt that aloneness. I'm doing lots of work on this now, and for me, I don't think it's connected with "unlocking another memory", but rather it's connected with actively parenting my inner child and learning how to feel loving toward myself and others.


#51772 - 03/11/03 04:42 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
MrEdd Offline

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 341
Loc: Texas
I've always been most alone...

when there were the most people.

I do not fit.

I am different.

If they really knew...

they would make fun of me...

And my pain would break free...

Like the waters that roil out of a dam that has burst...

And all the pieces that are really me...

Would be washed away forever...

Unmourned, Missed by no one...

Like a stuffed bear that's soiled and missing one

arm ~ so it can not hug a child ~ and one eye ~

so it can not see what matters most.

Refuse for the trashman.

My only value would be to be work for those who

disposed of me.

So I hide in silence.

I become invisable...

A social chamelion - speaking in the accent of

whatever crowd.

A sad clown hidden behind a painted smile.

And I retreat to a small circle of intimate friends...

Who still don't know...

But who might care....

A small window on the world..

Safe enough for me to touch...

With only a bearable amount of fear...

and self loathing...

Now I can rest In God

Some times He gives me peace...

But I still run from the threat

Of the dark clouds that are crowds.


Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

#51773 - 03/12/03 12:03 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
ecb Offline

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205

Much like everyone else here, I tend to feel most alone when I am around my friends sometimes, or at a party. For years, even when I was a kid I would often spend my time at parties sitting in the corner reading a book. Even just in a small group of friends, that feeling of lonliness and worthlessness would well up in me and hit me like a ton of bricks. Edwin pretty much explains it perfectly in his poem. I'm afriad I don't have a whole lot of advice, but apparently such feelings aren't unusual.

Thanks for posting your poem. It speaks volumes for me. It is a perfect articulation of these feelings in me.


#51774 - 03/12/03 01:18 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Little Red Offline

Registered: 09/25/01
Posts: 15
Loc: White Plains

You are definitely not alone in this feeling. I have felt completely alone when in the arms of someone. It is not a fun feeling but it is definitely what each one of us have gone through probably a million times. I feel most alone when I am with my family - they do not understand what occurred and have never tried to get an understanding so when I go visit which is very rare - I feel so isolated, even though there could be 6 - 10 people there. You are not alone and we are not alone even though most times we feel that we are - how many of us have felt that we are the only one who was abused? no one will understand you, no will will look at you normal - whatever that means - that you are the perverted one. There are times that I do like being alone because then it is me - the one and only one I trust. No harm can come to me.
Mike stay strong - remember that we are all here for you and for each other.

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