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#51760 - 03/10/03 06:50 PM Loneliness & Flashbacks
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Why is it that when I am surrounded by my wife and daughter I can and do feel lonely a lot of the times. I get so sad for no apparent reason.

Saturday nite I was watching a movie that had a scene of children playing on a carousel in a park. All of a sudden I got this horrible feeling about a carousel and being a small child. I am scared to death about what that means. One of my doctors has suggested physco therapy and another says I dont need it. All my life I have remembered what happened to me. Now I am not so sure and I dont think I want to find oput if there was other shit. I just feel sort of crazy inside right now; like I am full of shattering glass. God I dont need anything else. Am I alone in this.



#51761 - 03/10/03 07:19 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
michaelb Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
mike....YOU ARE NOT ALONE.....i'll help if i am able..

i understand completely your lonliness.....i am alone most of my time, but sometimes i've felt the lonliness was even worse when i'm with people...i know that makes no sense, but guess it just intensifies the feelings and how nobody can really ever understand the deep lonliness inside of you....

i think we are all here to help you as best we can.....michael

#51762 - 03/10/03 07:30 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
andrew-almost52 Offline

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Hi Mike, I know exactly what ya mean buddy. I have the same feelings at times. The house is full with family and laughter, and I sit in my Lazy-Boy chair and feel like I'm in another place and time, completely by myself, disconnected.
I think that some of it is our ages, mine 52 and your's a little older. We are maybe at that stage of life where we look around and wonder IS THAT ALL THERE IS ALFIE? We've created this wonderful life around us. Everything seems so normative, and yet the people closest to us have absolutely no idea of the process involved to get there. Because as much as we may explain and share with them. They can never really understand our histories, our pain, our internal screams and scarring. And part of the reason for that is because we don't necessarily have the full picture, the complete memory of our abuse, there are still blanks in our SA experiential landscape. There may still be more to be revealed. Maybe even things we don't like about ourselves and this might reflect on who we are and the integrity of what we've created. Our struggle and recovery is an ongoing process. The scar tissue runs through so many facets of our lives. The consequences of SA are lifelong, but
recovery is achievable. Peace, Andrew

#51763 - 03/10/03 09:23 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Yes, I often wonder if the mid life crisis is making things worse, it's four months until I hit 50, and I'm not really bothered.
But I've always felt this detachment and the feeling of being alone in a crowd, I think I started recovery at the right time because I have a feeling it would be worse with the normal stuff like the mid life crisis.

It's not easy to remain detached in a crowd, but once the feeling has started I find it nearly impossible to escape, I have sat through parties in complete silence before now. And at other times I'm the life and soul.

I suspect all it needs is one unknown trigger, I don't know. If I did I'd avoid it.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#51764 - 03/11/03 01:28 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thanks for the help guys. The other part is driving me crazy right now. I am afraid there is other shit that I did not know about and I dont think I can handle that.



#51765 - 03/11/03 01:55 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Mike,

This is my third try at a reply. It gets shorter all the time.

It can seem like peeling an onion. Professionals tell me that the mind only lets us remember what we can handle at the time. I am not sure I was all that able to deal with any of it. But I am still here. I think I have remembered about 95% of it at least.

The lonliness seems to me to come from the idea that no one can really understand how awful it was. Apparently, it is in fact, more awful for some than others. So even here, we cannot say I "know EXACTLY how you feel." Not hardly. I can have some idea of how you might feel from what I felt. But that makes us all feel lonely.

Understanding friends make it easier, but not easy. We really are lone rangers with our abuse and it's effects on us.

Sometimes, too, even very caring people can give us the impression that they don't want to hear about it any more. That is a very lonely feeling.

Sitting in my room, on the side of the bed at 3:10 AM after a nightmare is as lonely as it gets for me.

There will be a day though Mike, when we will be at peace and not feel alone. It comes gradually, but I guess there is a bit of lonliness we can never fully avoid.

Be good to yourself if you can. Go to a concert or a movie or take your honey to a nice dinner or whatever you can do to let yourself know that you are a really strong man doing a really good job at getting better.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#51766 - 03/11/03 03:59 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Kieran1 Offline

Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Canada
Mike,the sadness hits me too. And quite a lot lately.I too am struggling with my demons right now and am doing the best I can to look after myself.Please know that I do care about what you are going through,we can both try to help each other(with the help of everyone of our brothers here.)I constantly need reassurance and comfort from my family and others here on the site to help lighten the burden. Knowing that others are or have gone through this means we are not alone.I am going through therapy right now and I am so glad I made the choice.More help that I need to move ahead.My thoughts are with you.


#51767 - 03/11/03 04:04 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
guy43 Offline

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota

Triggers and feelings of unknown stuff DOESN'T always mean that it's sa related suppressed memories. I know completely what you mean cuz I've always had my memories too.

For me, some of the triggers, sad feelings, despair, etc., have been more about growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Your not alone in all this. Should you see a T? I'd say trust your heart, if some inner voice says it's time for a T go with it. Otherwise, stay the course you're on.

I can relate to feeling lonely and or alone, even when I'm with family and friends. Feelings will pop up from out of the blue, sometimes triggered by seeing some touching display of affection, be it in real life or on tv.

You're not going crazy, or at least no more than is normal for survivors <---- lame attempt at some survivor humor <----- :p


#51768 - 03/11/03 04:09 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

No you are not alone my friend, believe me!

Just recently I went thru this again with my T, telling him about my fears there were more things that hadn't come up from out of the depths of my inner being yet, and how could I get them out so I could deal with them, and how could I handle it if there was anything else?

He had no profound answers, but just talking it out with him helped a lot. He did remind me that if there is anything else it will come when I'm ready and I'll be able to deal with it just like this other stuff I didn't think I could deal with that I'm dealing with! He also reminded me to refocus & live in the now, and don't worry about the past, buried or not.

Just some thots to let you know my thots are with you, bro.


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#51769 - 03/11/03 04:48 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
taipan Offline

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Mike, you are not alone! Many of us feel the same way. I am now separated from a very wonderful women who could no longer stand my smothering her because of my loneliness. I sucked every bit of life out of her; no matter how much she gave to me, I was still lonely inside. Her separating from me has thrown my life into an unbelievable crisis, and thankfully I have sought therapy. You donít have to live with the loneliness pain and anxiety. If you haven't yet been to therapy, GO. It is very hard to face what has terrified us for so long, but you are worth it.

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