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#515639 - 09/26/17 05:51 AM 29+ hours crying *trggrs*
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 515
Loc: Colorado
Crying, I can't stop crying. I've drank so much water trying not to feel dehydrated. I just want to understand. I don't get it

For everyone who screams why me... I scream why me too! Why us? How? This is my riddle I can't find a solution to.

Physical and mental abuse beginning as a 2 year old, got molested starting around 8, passed on by abuser to a sadistic group of interchanging men about a year later, violently gangraped, humiliated, periods of captivity, torture, suffocated and drowned repeatedly, mutilation of my body permanently ruining my body functions, those men had access to me until my early teens, molested by the priest I went to for help, reciting prayers and verses while he did his thing and taught me how the Bible said I'm not human, the physical and mental abuse continued on the side through all of that, left home to get away, homeless in high school, sexually assaulted in the military, homeless again, abused by churches, multiple unwanted and unneeded stents in mental wards, physically assaulted in mental ward, slandered by people for having been sexually abused as a kid, rejected from men's groups of different kinds, sexually assaulted by VA staff members, intentional breaks of confidentiality to have me humiliated, strangled to near death by an off-duty drunk police officer, no justice no accountability no help, on new medication with no doctors watching over things, fighting side effects alone with little remedy, no therapist at the moment because of technicalities, and that's just the surface.

How can so many bad things happen and just be coincidence? For any of us? It doesn't make sense.

I do a lot in spite of it all, but I never feel as if I know what to do. It's so painfully lonely, it's too much stuff to deal with, and it continuously hurts me.

And now I gotta sleep soon, scared, off to face another horrible nightmare. I can't keep my eyes open any more.

I honestly never know how much longer I can go on.
_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then me the imaginary number

Abuse Part I&II
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...7031#Post517031

Part III&IV
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...7032#Post517032

Top
#515643 - 09/26/17 10:57 AM Re: 29+ hours crying *trggrs* [Re: usmc97]
TeeJayUU Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/04
Posts: 321
Loc: MidWest
I wish I had more to say... I am so sorry you went through this. Keep talking here... Sending you love and strength....
_________________________
"There is a plan for me, God has a Purpose, I know there is a reason that I'm ALIVE!" Cherish Grace
PEACE HOPE LOVE

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#515644 - 09/26/17 11:50 AM Re: 29+ hours crying *trggrs* [Re: usmc97]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4395
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
usmc97 -

i am truly sorry for all you've endured. it wasn't your fault and you did not deserve it.

i have found that in dealing with tears, it seems to help if i dont fight it but just give in. weeping is npt a sign ofweakness or defeat but can be therapeutic. you have a lot that needs to be mourned. it may be a part of the healing process.

i did not cry a single tear from the time i turned off my emotions while in the midst of the abuse - at maybe 9 or so - until i started therapy in my 30s. i had a lot of catching up to do. sounds like maybe you do too.

keep on talking and letting out the grief and outrage. we'll keep listening and accepting you.

Lee
_________________________
"The wound is the place where the light enters you."
- Rumi

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#515686 - 09/27/17 03:58 AM Re: 29+ hours crying *trggrs* [Re: usmc97]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 515
Loc: Colorado
thank you guys, that's the most condensed I can tell of my story without all the details. think so much nobody cares except when a friend is near who knows me. I woke from another nightmare crying and it just wouldn't stop, I get to being such a mess, it was so uncontrollable though
_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then me the imaginary number

Abuse Part I&II
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...7031#Post517031

Part III&IV
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...7032#Post517032

Top
#515689 - 09/27/17 04:10 AM Re: 29+ hours crying *trggrs* [Re: usmc97]
AuthenticMe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/05
Posts: 391
Keep visiting the forum as much as you can. There's plenty of support here when help seems distant. So sorry for what you endured and what you're experiencing now.

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#515690 - 09/27/17 05:48 AM Re: 29+ hours crying *trggrs* [Re: usmc97]
Tom E. Offline


Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 538
Loc: FL
usmc97 - you have us to share it with, & I hope you have a good therapist who specializes in abuse, rape & serious trauma.
peace my brother

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#515697 - 09/27/17 11:28 AM Re: 29+ hours crying *trggrs* [Re: usmc97]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 4053
Loc: VIRGINIA
USMC97

My heart goes out to you. Crying helps release the pain but I cannot tell you how long this need will last. I have cried a lake over the years and just recently after a Sweat Lodge session I cried for a couple of hours and people said the pain was heard in my cries. Why the pain lasts so long I do not know. I thought it would be gone by now. Some say I have not fully accepted or there is something lurking that I have not processed from the abuse.

Healing is a process I have learned. You are working on it. You are right no one should endure the pain of CSA or any form of abuse or bullying.

Try to surround yourself with kind and understanding people--I did not and I have been told by the doctors it further destroyed me and made healing impossible-sadly some still work to destroy without every reading or opening their minds of what CSA can do to a survivor. Sadly, the world is full of challenged people who believe they know everything and have vengeance in their hearts because of their own issues they refuse to look at--avoid them at all cost. Remember we are here for you and support you.

Sleep is important because the mind needs the strength to face the past and healing process.

Thoughts are with you

Kevin

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#515959 - 10/07/17 06:39 AM Re: 29+ hours crying *trggrs* [Re: usmc97]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 515
Loc: Colorado
about 7 more hours today, still no doctors, no relief from the side effects.
I don't know what to do, I don't have enough tears, so tired, so alone.

still appreciate that you guys are out there


somewhere
_________________________
Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then me the imaginary number

Abuse Part I&II
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...7031#Post517031

Part III&IV
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...7032#Post517032

Top

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