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#514424 - 08/09/17 09:12 PM Re: Negativity and being at the mercy of others? [Re: dark empathy]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 307
Hi Luke
There were times too when my survivor would dispair, we'd always lose ourselves in those moments talking about running away, away from all the crap. Imagine ourselves running a beach cafe away from the pressures. It helped him I think to breathe, just the idea that normal and peace could be imagined.

I suppose my reflection here is to say, all I wanted during these dark times he felt he questioned humanity was to journey along side him. Listen, soothe and tell him I'd live in a tent on the beach with him, serving coffee if it meant his peace and safety.

I wonder if when your lady shows a little alarm or worry when you feel this way, it's perhaps because she feels helpless to help you and not that she's disappointed or surprised by your attitude. I know I felt powerless when my survivor was hurting so deeply. When you love someone so deeply as I think she does you too, you just want to take the hurt away. Sometimes it just comes out wrong. I did that so often, when truly all I wanted to do was make those that hurt him and his inner critic vanish. I'm rambling horribly. When the person you love most in the world is hurting we get scared too, in my case scared he'd run again, put his walls up. So sometimes we project our fear in the wrong direction.
I know this may not answer your question but it's what seemed to come to me as I was reading your reply. Blessings HH


Edited by HealingHope (08/09/17 09:23 PM)

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#514434 - 08/10/17 03:51 AM Re: Negativity and being at the mercy of others? [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2695
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks.

@Jewelgirl, I confess I do have a problem with hating the collective, but then again I feel quite justified in such, since it is made clear to me on literally a daily basis that the collective hates me. This feeling has lessened significantly since I found my lady, there were points in proceeding years that I would actively wish all humans to be killed, that I felt I could understand the impulse of those who shot people in crowded cities or blew themselves up in the name of some cruel and violent religious dogmatism, just because I can see having so little significance and being crushed to nothing but a drone in others number game can cause a violent outburst. Not that I would do anything myself, after all I still have this thing called empathy and dont' like suffering, which another characteristic that separates me from so called "society"

this feeling of being quite as alone and crushed has got significantly less extreme than where it was, but it is not completely gone, particularly when I actually do! tryto change my current circumstances and engage with the world more than I do and just get another rejectionwhether that is a small thing like an injury due to a misplaced object, or a larger thing such as when I try and associate with a new group of people who ignore my existence once again until forced to speak to me, then either continue to do minimal interaction, or make me their brother confessor and utterly forget I exist afterwards.

@Healing hope, You might actually be right that my lady is concerned for me when she says I don't sound like myself or is shocked at some of the vitriol. For my part, there is another side to it as well, since I am worried about her, she definitely has her own issues.
For example, at the we're in the process of moving house and city and my lady is worried about making friends in the new places since we'll be away the few friends I have up here (who I don't see too often anyway now some of them have decided to procreate).

I cannot however reassure her. It is true that as an attractive woman despite not being able to see she does have more advantage than I do socially with strangers, but equally I cannot make any promises or false reassurances.

Likewise, she worked as a semi professional soprano in Germany, really misses being on stage and is absolutely bent on the idea that we have to do more performing, yet I have absolutely no way forward with that either. Indeed sometimes I'll say, ---- as a rather black joke that the only way we'll get to be on stage is by finding a director and breaking his legs, since nothing short of brute force will work, ---- you'd be amazed how much people will cling to their excuses rather than ADMIT their discriminating. Again, this is entirely not serious but it doesn't help my lady's worries much, since honestly I can't! see a way to do more performing.

Actually I confess much as I love singing I have been feeling just plane tired of the hole struggle. It is great while I'm doing it, and I apparently do it well, and the annual week of music school we go to each year (the same where my lady and I met in person for the first time), is probably one of the few places I do! feel accepted, yet I am just so tired getting no where while I see people like the arsy tenor I mentioned sale on regardless. My lady is very! shocked when she hears me say that since she needs to sing as much as, if not more than I do though has the same problem of how to go about it.

I could try my other love of course, writing, but again that depends upon others judgement, and I still have no faith in anyone in any position of power at all, publishers, editors, directors, agents etc etc, plus that wouldn't help my lady.

Of course it's a complete catch 22 since I am frustrated because I need to do! something with my life, but it is the very fact I'm not allowed to do something with my life which is making me so dam frustrated.

I realise that going into a loop about this is not a good thing, but I am not really sure how to respond otherwise.

Sorry about the ramble, its early in the morning and I am a little stuck.

Luke.

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#514528 - 08/12/17 06:36 AM Re: Negativity and being at the mercy of others? [Re: dark empathy]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 307
Hi Luke, you know I think I'm hearing that you're both being affected by change. For you the frustration of not seeing that change and for you lady the fear of what will change. Change without doubt is the one of the biggest factors of stress I find.
I relate to being frustrated with and also fearful of change. I see it with my survivor too. To take a leap of faith out of an abusive situation but conflicted to stay because of the potential fallout, in his case.

Fear of change can keep us stuck, enduring unhealthy situations, just as sometimes thinking a direction we're pursuing is right for us but keep getting knocked back gives frustration. That happened to me yesterday with a masters course I've waited for. It's been delayed and goalposts changed by the uni for the second year... I'm so frustrated by their incompetence.... but! I've come to see that maybe there's a reason it's not working out, this change path perhaps isn't my path towards this goal, so maybe it's elsewhere. Could your path also be elsewhere? There could be other ways to crack a nut? Doing the same thing over again and expecting different results... all the analogies! Doesn't mean we give up on our dreams, those I believe are always true, just think outside the box.
More early morning rambling. Take care of each other. HH

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#514568 - 08/13/17 03:40 AM Re: Negativity and being at the mercy of others? [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2695
Loc: durham, north england
@hh, you might be right about change, however the problem generally seems to be that it is not me! who needs to change it is everybody else, indeed my councillor pretty much said as much, that if I were! part of a community who valued me for the things I had, creativity, philosophy, the way I had been at university I have no problem healing.

The problem though is that the main reasons for my frustration aren't things I can do anything about. After all I cannot magically grow a set of eyeballs, so there is no way of not needing assistance in shops which has me prone to arse holes like the manager I mentioned, also means I cannot make eye contact which seems to translate to "you don't exist" (god I hate eye contact!).when I meet a new group of people.
Rather like what I think when I walk down the street and must coax my guide dog around some idiot who has stuck their car right across the pavement.
I can't have a car, they are of no use to me, but they make my life far more difficult.
similarly, I can't make eye contact, it is of no help to me, but other people react badly to me because of my lack of it.

In any situation it seems I have far less power than anyone else, and I am getting extremely sick of that, indeed what I've basically learnt in my life is the worst thing that ever happened to me had no reason, and the best thing that ever happened to me had no reason either, there is little point trying to change or accomplish anything as any changes or accomplishments will inevitably have sod all to do with what you do.

This I confess is the attitude my lady has trouble with, though she has no more idea how to solve the problem than I do which is why she occasionally gets exasperated since she wants to try and do things and I feel like giving up, indeed we're generally at our happiest when we simply live in the moment together, which is basically what we do perhaps %99 of the time anyway. No plans, just being together and sod the rest of the world which is okay as far as it goes, but rather scary if I actually think about doing that for the rest of my life, no friends, no creation, no accomplishments, indeed I don't think I could! do that since inevitably the restlessness would set in and I'd find myself working on something else, more singing, more writing, and getting slapped down once again and so the cycle repeats, quite aside from my lady who is still sure we should! be doing performance.

indeed one conversation we've had is her noting that "god gave us voices to bring pleasure to people" and my observation that if god wanted us to perform he should've given relatives in the industry not voices.

Sorry for the ramble, I had a very odd dream last night on this subject, being lost in corridors of a huge institution crowded with people, listening to things going on behind doors, snatches of music or conversation about subjects that I recognized but were going on at the front of very crowded rooms, rooms which were so crowded I couldn't get through.

Luke.

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#515474 - 09/21/17 03:44 AM Re: Negativity and being at the mercy of others? [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2695
Loc: durham, north england
Just as a coder to this topic, my lady and I have recently decided I need to go back on antidepressants, chiefly because of the negativity expressed here.

We're in the process of moving house which is not fun, and has caused occasional moments of stress and arguments with my parents, especially of the "you will do things our way" type of discussion, also I am realizing my fear of public places and crowds and my conviction that trying things inevitably leads to failure is actually causing problems for me, especially when I get stressed and go into what my lady refers to as The loop mentioned above.

Yeah, I am okay if I sit at home, cuddle my lady and read books or play computer games, but that won't really be enough in the long run.

No this isn't an ideal solution, but it's where we are at the moment.

Luckily we have found a brand of antidepressant that works for me and has not too many major side effects. It has affected my libido I think, though equally we're both extremely busy currently I'm not entirely sure on that.
either way, I don't feel shame this in and of itself, though I do wish there was a better solution out there than simply taking chemical assistance to stop things from becoming quite as extreme.

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#515477 - 09/21/17 07:37 AM Re: Negativity and being at the mercy of others? [Re: dark empathy]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 307
Hi Luke
Moving house is a huge deal, it affects so much I think. It can generate all sorts of triggers and it's one of the basic needs we need to survive... shelter & safety. So if that layer of maslows hierarchy of needs is unsettled it affects all the others and they come out of balance.... belonging,love. Self esteem & the final layer self actualisation. If you've not come across it, it's easy to find on google. I always come back to it when I'm struggling with things, normally it helps me pin down how I've been triggered ... change is a huge thing without the complications survivors have to face. The meds perhaps will help you through the transition but once you're settled in your new home together, you may find everything else settles down too.
Blessings to you both. HH

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#515614 - 09/25/17 03:08 PM Re: Negativity and being at the mercy of others? [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2695
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks Hh.

I do know Maslow, and I will say the move is generating a bit of additional stress especially around my parents having to understand that I am actually an adult, although my problems with feeling generally powerless in life that I mentioned here and the negativity that have been previous to this.

I don't know how long I'll have to continue on the anti depressants, but they will help in the time being and at least spare my lady a little.

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