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#515498 - 09/21/17 11:35 PM Long Few Weeks
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3825
Hello everyone. It has been a long three weeks--two family deaths and funerals. It has taken a toll on me. And then I had to be with people who do not wish to understand or accept the abuse. I had a dissociative fugue last night in NY. Not sure where I went but it lasted for several hours. I must have done something because my hips are both killing me. Hurt when I walk. I drove home today and had terrible flashbacks. I had to pull the car off into the service area on the NJ Turnpike. I sat there for over an hour trying to regain myself and stop the flashbacks. I called the doctor and he saw me this evening. Prescribed zoloft to rid me of the anxiety. He said I was having a significant amount of stress, going to church's dealing with less than knowledgeable people who were in attendance and know how to push the buttons to short circuit my ability to control the dissociation and PTSD. I said some say they dissociation and PTSD are not real, he said, they are not real because real people open their minds and can accept they do not know everything. He said they have no right to believe they need to control my accountability for the abuse and I do no owe them any level of respect until they learn to respect what I lived. Makes sense.

I have fugues in the past but never felt as depressed as I did today. I think that is why I called the doctor because I was having very troubling thoughts and feared I would do something to myself.

I just needed to write to help me realize the doctors are right. He said he wish he knew everything about the triggers and causes of PTSD and fugues, but he does not. He said science has not caught up with understanding the mind. He said with a laugh I would like to see the scholarly research of those who deny these ailments--I said so would I. He said that is what I need to remember they do not know what they are talking about but rather have a need to control people. It helps.

He said I may want to consider hypnosis to help resolve the lingering memories that I may not be facing or accepting. I am not sure if I will undertake. Has anyone done hypnosis as part of their recovery?

Thanks for listening.

Kevin

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#515502 - 09/22/17 01:28 AM Re: Long Few Weeks [Re: KMCINVA]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2131
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Kevin, thanks for that update. We think of you often. Those fugues are not easy, one observation, if you shared the only event (?), then it's possible, that one fugue shows a small improvement? I know from reading this past year, sometimes you have it longer and maybe this also shows lessening frequency? In this moment, no guarantee, but I seek hope all the time. Of course I see it's not easy, I know, you can realize that... Hope is tentative, a sure I saw in your post.

Peace and love brother.

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#515508 - 09/22/17 02:28 AM Re: Long Few Weeks [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4255
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Kevin-

Sorry that you are still (or again) having to deal with all this stuff. But i am glad that you saw your doc and got some reassurance. And that you were able to come back here to report what is happening with you. I am sure you don't need to be reminded that we are here for you - wishing you all the best.

Lee
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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#515510 - 09/22/17 03:57 AM Re: Long Few Weeks [Re: KMCINVA]
DanielQ432 Offline


Registered: 03/31/17
Posts: 296
Loc: Midwest
Kevin, I tried some sessions of hypnosis with a psychologist who did it. It was expensive, $120 per session. Personally it did nothing for me - doesn't mean it wouldn't work for others. It boiled down to listening to affirnations of my positive qualities and each session was recorded and I was supposed to listen to it least an hour a day.

For me, the problem was this - feeling like a pathetic loser, scum of the earth, listening to this wiman reading from a script and interjecting these little comments like "you are smart, you are brave" - just made the cynic in me dig in deeper, and I would leave there saying " well, that was all bullshit." I wasn't ready to hear anything positive that coumtered what my cruel inner voice said comstantly.

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#515516 - 09/22/17 11:16 AM Re: Long Few Weeks [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3825
Thank you for the support. I am better now and understand professional help is important to seek out because one cannot do it alone. I am in better spirits and understand trauma, CSA, PTSD, fugues etc are difficult to understand and accept. I still struggle with fully understanding but the doctor reassured no one truly understands the reasons and the brains responses and why it varies between people. He has suggested EMDR and hypnosis because we have tried many things but he believes there is some deeply troubling aspect of the abuse I have yet to face. I think I have it all out. He said it may be an act or an emotion I buried.

Daniel thank you for sharing your experience. I have fears of hypnosis--maybe unfounded-that I will not come out of that state. The doctor and I talked and he said if I have fear not to pursue.

I want that magic bullet--the one which will free me. I think I am there and then there are those who do not want me to heal but rather want to believe they know more than those who work and study in these areas and they admit there is more to understand.

Ceremony your words hope is tentative--I wish I had the sense of achieving being healed instead of hoping to heal. Fugues are difficult because they leave, at least me, lost as to what may or may not have happened. I still am in pain in the hips and not sure why. The doctor and T's believe the fugues are my reaction to the stress and pain of the abuse and are inflicted by the callousness of others who have no understanding of the impacts of CSA either directly or indirectly. He said sometimes my internalization of their words and actions cause me to regress and even worse when I hear and feel their words and actions. Knowing helps to minimize my exposure to these people.

He said I need to learn there are those who have empathy and those that lack empathy. They have said I have been exposed to people who lack empathy--they have said they are self-centered, self-absorbed and have narcissistic tendencies-they fail to see others emotions and struggles. We talked about their words and actions, recently and in the past. I need to accept and take them out of my life and not strive to be in their lives. Everyone has said it is difficult but necessary if I want to find inner peace.

Traveler your words are meaningful and helpful. I know your struggles and you deserve the best. One day we will have "achieved" a level of healing that will free us.

Kevin

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#515538 - 09/23/17 01:20 AM Re: Long Few Weeks [Re: KMCINVA]
woodenshoes Offline


Registered: 06/04/14
Posts: 568
Kevin

Sorry for your disassociate fugue. I understand that and is hard to deal with at times. The unknown can be difficult to understand. I am still struggling with what happened during mine. I'm glad that your doing a little better. My thoughts are with you.

Ws

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#515563 - 09/24/17 12:52 AM Re: Long Few Weeks [Re: KMCINVA]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 590
Kevin I am so sorry for what you have been going through with the loss of family. It is tough and I hope you know they loved you.

I am disgusted with the part of your family that thinks it knows everything and are pushing you to suicide and dissociation. They are pure assholes. I have just lost someone from the PAS group to suicide. His family was as callous as I was to my dad. I thought I knew everything but this family were told by the doctors what their dad suffered and his loss of being was real. They listened to their mother's fucking family. They knew everything, a general doctor, a nurse, a lawyer who was an ambulance chaser that abuse did not cause PTSD, dissociation, depression and so many other things. He is gone. We went to the wake and how sad. His daughter was a mess on tranquilizers crying about being sorry. The two sons were as cold as we heard they were. We heard in the meetings they followed a mother who thought more of her family than her husband. She taught them to hate him. The daughter said her husband said stop the bullshit because whatever happened was between them. We know what the kids did. I know what my brother, sister and me did to Dad and it was abusive. Kevin you children and wife have been abusive and stop protecting them. No one spits on people and everything they did to you. I know you have told others what they did and they cringe with disgust.

My Dad is dead and I went to his wake and no one said sorry to me but rather said I missed out on a wonderful person. My sister who made amends heard the words any child should have heard. I did horrible things to Dad and I am so glad his suicide attempts did not work because I would feel like a murderer today. Your children are desperate souls like I have been. My brother is a mess over this suicide and told Mama off. He said you made us do the same to Dad. Mama cried and said she was sorry. She has sorry for so long but this time I could feel her pain and sincerity. Sad it takes such drastic measures for assholes to realize what they have done.

I know from our recent email your son is pissed at the world, his mother will not move next to him, why would she because he thinks he controls her. When you told me he was mad you moved him as a child for work from the place he wants to move is more sociopath, he was not in charge of the family. Your family is like mine and many others. Your children's mother needs to accept and those kids need to realize they are not in charge of the family. You said something from your doctor, you do not need to be accountable to them for your abuse, they need to be there for you.

I am so upset over too many suicides because of controlling assholes and people who do no want to learn about abuse, trauma and everything. They kill people. I was one of them and will speak out and not let anyone else be so cruel, stupid and ignorant. Your children are the most ignorant and have learned from their mother and her family as we did. My Dad made it but we lost out, we missed out on knowing a great person. I work at the center he gave so much time to and realize he had more substance then my mother and her entire family. Tell your children to screw off because you deserve to have a great life. They deserve to learn about what you live but only if they want to learn.

Sorry this message may be negative but after seeing my friend commit suicide and knowing of his cruel and ignorant family I want you to break from them so you can be here. You are too good for them. So you did things that may have hurt them but they need to realize CSA changes people and their abuse pushed you in too many ways.

I am here and please contact me.

Paul

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#515564 - 09/24/17 01:03 AM Re: Long Few Weeks [Re: KMCINVA]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/05/13
Posts: 669
Loc: NJ
Hi Kevin
First I'm sorry for your loss it is very hard to deal with the death of a family member. It's even harder when it's multiple deaths in a short time. Then there is going to a place that not only represents the abuse but have to interact with those that are living in the dark ages.
You should know that you are a champ a strong man that has traveled the arduous road of trying reconcile the past and has made a big impact on many men in this community and many out side of it. You have the right to say to them in their presence or out what ever works for you " shut your pie hole" they no nothing and walk willingly in the dark. If any one has a doubt as to the effects of CSA all the need to do is a simple internet search we no longer live in a world that has a pass at saying "I didn't know or I was unaware of such things".
I wish you well and know you are cared for and many here pray for your health and healing.
_________________________
Bluesky

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#515610 - 09/25/17 11:59 AM Re: Long Few Weeks [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3825
Thank you. This past weekend I did something I never thought I would do. For awhile people have suggested I attend a holistic nature based retreat. I gave in after feeling broken last week. A friend, a veteran and chronic PTSD survivor attends regularly different earth based retreats for healing. I learned the Veteran Affairs has been encouraging and accepting of alternative options to help the sufferers of PTSD. It was in a remote area and consisted of silent mediation, organized and personal, walking mediation until Sat. night at which time we went to the Sweat Lodge. I was not sure what to expect and it was a unique experience. It is an ancient rite of the Native American and other cultures. It is believed it brings one back to the womb and a rebirth of some sorts. I was hesitant at first. It was 4 rounds that lasted approximately 40 minutes each. There were 12 or 13 of us and we sat in this dome like structure around rocks sizzling in fire. Water would be added and the steam would encapsulate the structure and we would sweat. A leader and I have trouble remembering his title led in prayer and a talking stick would be passed.

The first round is the awakening of the spirit world which lies to the West. The second round is for purification of the the mind and body and the request for strength and truth which lies in the North. The third round is for rising sun to the East to give us wisdom and the last to the South for healing.

At times we had to speak of our pain and hurt, the reason we seek peace. Another round we had to ask for forgiveness of self and the hurts we caused and the most difficult for me was to give forgiveness to those that hurt me--the abuser and those that tormented me and have denied my trauma and abuse. I could not say I forgave any of them for the pain was so raw by this time.

The temperature I believe was at a constant 120 degrees. It is believed the heat opens the vessels that clog our body and minds allowing us to freely face our troubles.

In between rounds everyone leaves the lodge to shower and re-hydrate. After the last round all commune to eat.

People there suffered all types of issues from PTSD to addiction. Listening to their issues during the rounds and I was amazed how some have forgiven their abusers and those that severely hurt them. My friend said it took him almost a year before he could forgive his wife and children. His wife is from a military family and she could not accept PTSD and what he did. He would recreate the trauma of his war experience, retreating to the woods and digging a hole to hide. He had no weapons thankfully for they have been removed from the home. He would hear people come and they would run off, they were his enemy. He has no recollection of the events. His wife said it was made up and turned the children on him. After two years his wife's brother began to suffer PTSD and all of a sudden it was real. He told me over time her father probably suffered some form of PTSD from his career in the military. He was abusive and probably an alcoholic. No one spoke of this except to hear what a happy home they lived in. She came around and now works with other families who live with PTSD. Sad what it takes for some to accept. She tells people do not be so ignorant as she because it could have killed her husband and now her children still struggle to love their father and the youngest and one other have so much anger and the need to control every one from their sense of loss of father and mother during this time. She admits she should have supported her husband--some good at least came from this as to her understanding and helping others. My friend is diligent and there are special retreats for Veterans only. I am happy to have attended.

I learned PTSD no matter the source has devastating consequences. Trauma, be it CSA, war, other forms of abuse, witnessing a murder, impacts the mind and we all seem to retrench to many of the same ways to cope.

I am not sure how I feel. I would like to go again because after the Sweat Lodge I broke down and cried for almost two hours. One of the facilitators came to me and said your cries have so much pain and hurt, we could hear you and people had tears in their eyes. I had tears for others then and when I hear their stories. Maybe the pain is far deeper than I can accept. I have cried a lake but it is still there. The facilitator said any healing I do can be taken by people who cannot love, forgive or accept the power of the mind and I have lived among them too long.

It was a reflective experience. I am willing to try anything to be at peace.

Kevin

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#515612 - 09/25/17 12:15 PM Re: Long Few Weeks [Re: KMCINVA]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2131
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for sharing Kevin. I'm deeply moved.

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