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#515588 - 09/24/17 07:45 PM It's been a while
BFree27 Offline


Registered: 12/28/15
Posts: 167
Hey gents!

I honestly have no idea how long it's been since I was on here last. Hope everyone is doing alright, that summer is treating you well, and that all of our new folk are enjoying themselves/finding the support they were looking for here.

It's been nice reading through some of your newer posts, and I apologize for any worry I may have caused. I just really, really needed the break from the back-and-forth for a while, with many situations keeping me away as well.

Alright! So before I get into situation A, let me start off by saying that no group should be judged by just their most extreme members. That being said, if you don't want to get to know me because of my religious views, that's your choice and you have every right to make it.

Situation A: My husband and I went to a Pagan Pride about a year ago and met a guy who ended up trying to start his own kindred. We joined him in his efforts after a couple of months, and then we began "recruiting" soon after... Feels weird saying that about a religious group but when there's only 3 of you that's what it is. We then had 2 new members, 5 in total, before the original guy decided 2 months ago that this wasn't his path and stepped down. As he was essentially our priest and president it kinda fucked us over. My husband then stepped up, and now we hold all of the meetings. Pretty wild.

Situation B: My seizures have gotten uncontrolled. I have no clue what's happening but it's 2-5 a day now and they are very connected to my PTSD. Luckily it's extremely rare for me to have a grand mal but that's all I really know about them, my husband can tell me when I'm going into them though so that's good. To help with this I was able to get a puppy and start training her to be a service dog! She is the sweetest thing in the world, sometimes I can't stand it. We're doing basic training on our own then finding help with the rest.

Situation C: A detective got back to me about the report I made on my abuser. They asked if I wanted to continue with the investigation. I feel like a coward but I had it suspended for now because they told me the next step was them talking to my abuser face-to-face and seeing if he would just confess. Fat chance. I don't know who I'm protecting here. I feel like a piece of shit. The detective? My abuser? Myself? I don't even know. I can't find the logic or even the real emotion behind my decision. The words just happened.

Situation D: Family. My husband wants children badly and so do I however every time we save up enough money to move forward with our lives, his parents fuck up again and we save them. Now we're almost in the hole and he's depressed and blaming himself when he should be blaming his parents for putting us in this position, again, for... Gods, I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say 4th time? Yes, I know we could not give them the money. I in fact urge him to do this every time (and considering I make the money I really feel like I should have more say) but when your parents-in-law can't hold jobs and are trying to support 3 kids that you care very much about, you tend to step in.

So... Yeah. Sorry I've been gone!
BFree27
_________________________
I will appreciate the future of a day where the clouds open up and scream..

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#515592 - 09/24/17 11:32 PM Re: It's been a while [Re: BFree27]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 328
Loc: MO
Hi BFree27,

You know you are training your in laws to"fail" so they can be saved by you. This is fucked up. You already know this.

The pagan thing doesn't seem to be a problem.

You need professional help (doctor, nuerologist) Seizures can actually kill you (stroke). There are medications that can help.

No need to feel like a piece of shit. Less than 25% of us get that far. The confrontation will get worse, and wanting to put up with it is O K.

I wish you well

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#515594 - 09/25/17 12:49 AM Re: It's been a while [Re: BFree27]
BFree27 Offline


Registered: 12/28/15
Posts: 167
Thank you very much, we haven't "trained" them to do shit. If we don't give them the money they move on to the next child. Both of us think it's better that we do it than any of the others. But please, go on thinking that I'm a fucked up person for continuing to protect my siblings. If the kids weren't living there I wouldn't give them shit.
_________________________
I will appreciate the future of a day where the clouds open up and scream..

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#515595 - 09/25/17 01:01 AM Re: It's been a while [Re: BFree27]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 1903
Loc: Minnesota
Hi BFree, that's a lot to have on your plate... I can relate to the experience of being overwhelmed. It's good you're still somewhat motivated in the face of so much to do, so many decisions to work with.

I'm worried, as you are, about what's the underlying cause and then answer to your seizures.

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#515596 - 09/25/17 01:32 AM Re: It's been a while [Re: BFree27]
BFree27 Offline


Registered: 12/28/15
Posts: 167
Ugh, I just realized how snarky I was.
General apologies.
Anyways. Yeah the seizures are troubling. It really sucks because I had to leave an amazing job, involved transferring people and I could really hurt someone.
I'm actually on 2 medications right now, one is new, one since 2013. The new one is for the small ones and obviously isn't working. Like I said when I'm triggered or having a bad PTSD day I tend to have more.
My grandma also just got diagnosed with ALS but I'm really trying to just ignore that as a possibility right now because even if that's what it is signs aren't supposed to pop up until age 40-70. At least from everything I've read. So I don't know.
Again, sorry for earlier.
_________________________
I will appreciate the future of a day where the clouds open up and scream..

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#515601 - 09/25/17 03:30 AM Re: It's been a while [Re: BFree27]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 1903
Loc: Minnesota
I've been sharing an App I found, for help calming me. If you want to look at it, I got it through Google store, it's free and called "Be Here Now". I like it, so, maybe it'll be something to help a little?

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