Puppy, I never get over thinking that, if I had just been different, he would have loved me and he wouldn't have done those things to me. I'll never understand what about me made him think I was so worthless that he could use me that way. I believed the things he said to me about my worthlessness and have spent a lifetime trying to overcome them. He was a horrible, selfish man masquerading as a wonderful father and a wonderful person. Only I knew better.
And yet, to this day, (I'm 60, only slightly older than you are
) the thing I want and need most in this world is his love. It is a basic need of every child and the lack of it leaves an emptiness that never goes away, and I'll never understand why he couldn't love me. I had assumed that was a basic need of every father. It was for me. Maybe he did, I keep telling myself. Maybe he was just too sick to stop himself from doing those things. Maybe someone abused him and he was just acting out.
And I'm learning not to question, but to go on, to know that I'll never know if he loved me, or why he didn't, or why he did those horrible things to me. I don't think he was ever actually physically mean to me. He never beat me or threw me around like has happened so many here. The things he did were painful, but not hitting painful.
See how I still try to make it all right? See how I still need my Daddy to love me? We'll get over it, Puppy. We'll be strong, and we'll understand the things we can't change, and eventually we'll build a wall around that hole where his love should have been, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop trying to fill it.
We love you here, kid...from a safe distance, and we'd fill the void if we could...because, even though we'd give anything not to be able to...we understand.