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#515042 - 09/05/17 01:28 AM Questions about habits ...but dont know how to as*
Justwanttohelp Offline


Registered: 08/17/17
Posts: 1
Hello,
This is my first time posting on this site but have been reading for awile. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year, and I am more in love with him than I have ever been with anyone else I have ever dated. He is an amazing man. He confided to me that he was molested/raped as a child but has sought help. Luckily he trusted me and agreed to seek therapy. He is so brave. The question I just cant seem to stop asking myself in my head is about his sexuality. I know I shouldn't make this about me, and I know there are no set answers to anything when it comes to CSA, but I just cant seem to get passed the porn he watches. Transgender porn...porn between a man and a beautiful woman who just happens to have a penis. I dont want to approach him about it because I dont want him to become self conscious, but I was just writing here to see if anyone has ever been through something similar.
Thanks so much.

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#515044 - 09/05/17 02:50 AM Re: Questions about habits ...but dont know how to as* [Re: Justwanttohelp]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 1919
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome Justwanttohelp. There are some supporters of survivors here who've helped me see what it could have been like to be cared for.

It's hard enough to want to give feedback about your question, and to add my personal experience, strength and hope.

I'm supportive of the transgender community, and hope to see an end to all stigma and violence. I know it can be scary to be transgender. Though prominent figures are leading, like Jen Richards and Laverne Cox. I believe they're both post op. I don't know of any leaders who aren't, but it seems Ok to me, that there are transgender pre op people who decide not to have that operation. It must be a very personal experience.

I'm sorry I can't figure out what to say about the porn?

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#515045 - 09/05/17 05:18 AM Re: Questions about habits ...but dont know how to as* [Re: Justwanttohelp]
Blue22 Offline


Registered: 09/02/16
Posts: 20
Loc: CA
There's a certain property in your description that reads to me like he may be motivated by a subconscious want to control. Control is a pretty powerful issue many of us here share, mainly since we didn't get to experience it during the trauma.

Through my journey, I know I've made decisions in an attempt to regain or establish some semblance of control. Seems as if this may be an attempt on his end to find a sense of control over the situation that he was robbed of as a child.

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#515055 - 09/05/17 01:03 PM Re: Questions about habits ...but dont know how to as* [Re: Justwanttohelp]
MeditativeCycler Offline


Registered: 08/11/17
Posts: 26
I can actually give one perspective on this as I can relate.

I'm presuming that for him, it's likely a fetish (I could be wrong, only he could say for certain, but I can at least give a perspective if it's a fetish). It's a discussion you'll have to have with him at some point.

Fetishes are something I struggle quite a bit and actually find a bit distressing as the fetishes were imposed on me and not by choice. There's a recent youtube video that does a good explanation of the science behind sexual arousal through fetish:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h2xWLbXkT8

(Fairly SFW video, surprising given the topic).

I'll give you my story -- (TW: CSA story).

My grandfather was an aggressive child molester with a strong taste for young girls. Unfortunately for me, I'm a boy and he was always very angry about that. Basically told me it was my fault for what he was doing and I was a secretly a girl. On a few occasions he forced me to crossdress before raping me and saying "You're a girl. Girls are for penetrating."

Awful stuff.

As an adult, I am straight. I don't find men attractive nor arousing. But... (And I'm terribly ashamed to even type this out...) because of what happened to me, I do find strap-on play (Woman wearing a dildo) terribly arousing. I find gender role reversal items arousing. Likewise, I don't have any gender dysphoria it's just... what I was taught. It's stamped into my brain. I find women and the female form very sexy (My wife in particular smile ), but there's also this part of my brain that says "You need to pleasure a phallus too." It doesn't have to be a part of the sexual encounter (Wife actually has zero interest in the fetish, but that's another story.) but it is something that I respond to. That's the troubling bit with porn is it is remarkably powerful to our monkey brains.

I hope that helps a little bit. This might be something your boyfriend doesn't fully understand himself. It might be just a thing for him to indulge in privately, or it might be something you can support and join in in a limited fashion. Just please don't judge and condemn him for the kink; we (survivors) have a lot of scars that are very strange and run very deep.

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