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#513660 - 07/23/17 12:32 PM The Dark Days Are Back
Cyclingmad Offline


Registered: 11/07/15
Posts: 34
Life is really tough at the moment. I am not sleeping again and finding myself lying in bed desperately trying to sleep but unable to (it is currently 2 am here). I am having headaches again which is a sure sign things are not well, ibuprofen and codeine are virtually a food group at the moment. My heart is playing up and the palpitations are quite disturbing, yet another of my physical manifestations. Things hit the worst level they have been for a long time yesterday when I spent the afternoon crying uncontrollably and feeling like I can't do this anymore.

Life as a CSA survivor can really suck sometimes. I think it is time to find a therapist in my area which may be a challenge as I live in a very rural area of Australia and I imagine there are not too many here that have experience dealing with male CSA victims. Phone calls will start in the morning.
_________________________
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional.

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#513662 - 07/23/17 01:43 PM Re: The Dark Days Are Back [Re: Cyclingmad]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 702
Loc: NJ
Sorry you are have a hard time at the moment. At time things can be totally overwhelming. Your reaching out shows the healthy side of your self. Wanting to find a therapist and dealing with CSA is courageous. It tells the story of love for your self and strengthens others.
Wishing you peace and healing.

If you need PM me any time.
_________________________
Bluesky

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#513664 - 07/23/17 02:10 PM Re: The Dark Days Are Back [Re: Cyclingmad]
DanielQ432 Offline


Registered: 03/31/17
Posts: 296
Loc: Midwest
Hey there, glad you reached out during a rough time. Could you possibly work with a therapist online some or all of the time? Here in the US one new thing they are trying is contact via videochat between patients in rural areas that are underserved and providers in regional hubs. Maybe Australia has similar?

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#513667 - 07/23/17 04:04 PM Re: The Dark Days Are Back [Re: Cyclingmad]
Tom E. Offline


Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 558
Loc: FL
Melatonin might help you sleep. My nighttime pyche med olanzapine knocks me out too.

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#513669 - 07/23/17 06:01 PM Re: The Dark Days Are Back [Re: Cyclingmad]
Chris4TheMill Offline


Registered: 05/16/17
Posts: 629
Loc: NY / NJ Area
Cyclingmad - I think the guys have given some great input here. I see one of my therapists through Skype, as we are in different states.
It works well and if you can find one who does that, it should help immensely.

Also, Tom's suggestion of melatonin is solid; I just started taking 3mg before bed and it has been great.
I wake up more relaxed (not groggy) because it apparently lowers your norepinephrine levels (stress hormone).

If you are open to taking supplements, I can give you a recommended regimen to help cut down the anxiety.
I have done a lot of research and experimentation and found a regimen that is helping quite a bit.
Just PM me if or when you are interested.

Chris

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#513671 - 07/23/17 06:36 PM Re: The Dark Days Are Back [Re: DanielQ432]
Cyclingmad Offline


Registered: 11/07/15
Posts: 34
Originally Posted By DanielQ432
Hey there, glad you reached out during a rough time. Could you possibly work with a therapist online some or all of the time? Here in the US one new thing they are trying is contact via videochat between patients in rural areas that are underserved and providers in regional hubs. Maybe Australia has similar?


Unfortunately, that would not work either as we do not have any form of cable broadband and the mobile network is so weak loading a web page takes 5 minutes. We can skype on a good day but not with video, voice only.
_________________________
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional.

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#513672 - 07/23/17 06:38 PM Re: The Dark Days Are Back [Re: Chris4TheMill]
Cyclingmad Offline


Registered: 11/07/15
Posts: 34
Originally Posted By Chris4TheMill
Cyclingmad - I think the guys have given some great input here. I see one of my therapists through Skype, as we are in different states.
It works well and if you can find one who does that, it should help immensely.

Also, Tom's suggestion of melatonin is solid; I just started taking 3mg before bed and it has been great.
I wake up more relaxed (not groggy) because it apparently lowers your norepinephrine levels (stress hormone).

If you are open to taking supplements, I can give you a recommended regimen to help cut down the anxiety.
I have done a lot of research and experimentation and found a regimen that is helping quite a bit.
Just PM me if or when you are interested.

Chris


Chris that would be great, I am open to all suggestions.
_________________________
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional.

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#513673 - 07/23/17 06:44 PM Re: The Dark Days Are Back [Re: Cyclingmad]
Cyclingmad Offline


Registered: 11/07/15
Posts: 34
Unfortunately, I think I have identified things at home between my wife and me are my trigger this time.

For work I am a paramedic as is my wife, she works in our local station in town but I work in a different town. We both work 8 days on and 6 days off with on call after hours. During my rotation on I have to live on station in the town that I work so I spend 8 days of every 14 away.

I have noticed that over the last few months I have been progressively feeling worse at home yet I seem to manage to recover somewhat while away at work. I definitely sleep better at work and get a lot fewer headaches.
_________________________
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional.

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#513675 - 07/23/17 07:53 PM Re: The Dark Days Are Back [Re: Cyclingmad]
Cyclingmad Offline


Registered: 11/07/15
Posts: 34
The thing I find most difficult is feeling able to talk to my wife about my issues as so many are set deep in my history of abuse, yet I feel that trying to talk about it I am using my abuse as a crutch to get things my own way. I know that I am not and there are certain things that I need but I am concerned about how it appears. My default is I tend to bury my feelings and what I need for the sake of others, which leads me to feel worse and feel like I don't matter.

A good example is my wife is very motivated in animal welfare and spends a lot of time looking after sick and injured wildlife. She also takes on a lot of abused animals as pets and we currently have approximately 50 animals at home of different species. I get that is important to her and I try to support her as much as possible in her efforts. The issue is I feel like it is out of my control and my opinions on things do not matter. Some of the animals are inside the house (birds in cages etc) and as animals do they make a lot of noise. I have asked for some space in the house where I can get some peace and quiet for study etc but I never seem to get it. When I show my frustration my wife gets upset with me because I am being uncaring to the plight of these animals, it seems I do not have the moral high ground on this one. To put things more simply it seems I am the 51st most important creature in my wife's life. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets upset and I always seem to stop before I really speak my mind and tell her the effect it is really having on me. I am scared if I say too much she is going to say that I am using my abuse and the issues that I have as a way of getting what I want and not supporting her. That is honestly not the case as I want to support her but my needs have to have some value too. If they don't I am just slipping back into being a victim again.

We currently have a dog that has a knee problem and as she is a rescue dog we are not sure of her age but we think she is about 9 or 10. We had her knee surgically repaired about 4 years ago but it is having issues again. She still runs around with the other dogs and swims at the beach but she does pay for it at night and needs pain relief and anti-inflammatories. Coincidentally I have had many knee issues myself with a history of 4 knee operations including two reconstructions, I have my painful days too. My wife has decided that we need to travel nearly 2000km to take her to a specialist vet to have surgery that will cost nearly $10,000. This is at a time in which we are buying a house and have to move in the next few months which has a lot of expenses. By the time travel and accommodation is taken into account this surgery will cost well over $10,000, money that we do not have right now. My wife's opinion is there are no limits to the efforts she will go to for the good of her animals and I find that commendable but surely there has to be a limit. I could understand it more if we were talking about a puppy or young dog that had a lot of its life ahead of it but we are talking about a 10-year-old German shepherd x that may only have 2-3 years of life left. It is still mobilizing well and although it has some pain and can't jump now it is managed well with medication. Even after the surgery, it will not be able to jump and will still have pain. I tried to voice my opinion on this but was quickly put in my place, she wants the best for our animals and people would have surgery if they had sore knees. I actually do have sore knees but I will not get surgery on them as I know surgery is not always a good option and results in a lot of pain. So I went back to my common response, give in as my opinion doesn't really matter anyway. The funny thing is I have even said words to the effect of "I don't think we should do that but my opinion doesn't matter so do what you want" and she doesn't seem to pick up on how much of an issue this is.

At the same time all this is happening there are 2 things that I do that I find critical to my coping with my issues, I am heavily into cycling and I like to keep busy with study for work. My cycling is what saved me in my teen years and turned me from a self-harming (I used to cut myself) and gave me a better outlet. My bike is getting old and gear is starting to fail but I can not replace it because other things like our house and vet bills are taking up too much money. I have also been told that with the trip to get the surgery done and the moving house there is no time for me to do my study and I have to defer it. Again what I need takes a back seat and there seems to be a distinct lack of balance. The trouble is I feel if I speak out about it I am going to be the selfish one for putting my own needs first.

Hopefully, when I speak to a therapist I can get some perspective, I can't do this alone.
_________________________
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional.

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#513676 - 07/23/17 08:20 PM Re: The Dark Days Are Back [Re: Cyclingmad]
Chris4TheMill Offline


Registered: 05/16/17
Posts: 629
Loc: NY / NJ Area
Cyclingmad,

I just sent you a PM.....

Best regards,

Chris

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