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#512943 - 07/04/17 09:50 PM Disclosure & keeping secrets * possible triggers*
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 279

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#512944 - 07/04/17 11:17 PM Re: Disclosure & keeping secrets * possible triggers* [Re: HealingHope]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 1900
Loc: Minnesota
??, That did seem important in its way, if you want to bring it up again, maybe in a different way you're more comfortable?

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#512948 - 07/05/17 12:19 AM Re: Disclosure & keeping secrets * possible triggers* [Re: HealingHope]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 1822
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
I feel safe around you Rick.

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#512962 - 07/05/17 06:21 AM Re: Disclosure & keeping secrets * possible triggers* [Re: HealingHope]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 279
I feel safe too, its just I think I wasn't sure if the situation I found myself in was applicable because it was female sexual abuse.

The disclosure she made, she had kept for almost 2 years of me supporting her with earlier csa. The person who had promised to keep her safe and " rescued" her from these perpetrators turned controlling and violent too. On escaping from this second abuser, they hunted her down... still I was confused about why this person had turned violent. Then through Devine intervention the words came to me...I think they groomed you... she then gave the look that only a survivor can that told me it was sexual abuse. For 2 years she'd kept this secret. It explained so much! Why her healing kept stalling, why she felt she couldn't leave. This person gave her a home and a job.

Suddenly my appreciation of my own survivors situation has gone to a whole new level. How a survivor can hold on to such secrets to stay safe, to protect others, would they be believed, would disclosure to the police end the nightmare, sadly I know the answer to that is unlikely, since convictions are so rare.

The courage and strength to hold these secrets and the inner conflict to tell or not tell has humbled me completely.
I'm still processing my own sadness and feelings of hopelessness about the reality of all this and seeing even more clearly how my survivor is so trapped.

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#512970 - 07/05/17 12:51 PM Re: Disclosure & keeping secrets * possible triggers* [Re: HealingHope]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 1900
Loc: Minnesota
I think this is very important in how so many men (and I want to mention women) push away disclosure. There are so many dynamics between the perp and victim. The perps and victims individual personality, developing identity as a person and sexuality, for the victim physical development if it's during childhood (yet realize how grooming keeps a victim as a child in the mind) and so much more. I've been dealing with my childishness as something I was doing bad to myself. It took me a time, and I think all of it while I started MS here, to realize how much my personality developed because I was stuck in that child thinking. I do not see how I am yet to escape it, or what is supposed to be stated, process what I need to and get that child mind up to speed with adults.

For me, it's all being seen in the basics, fight, flight, freeze, submit and attach. Not simple concepts, they're basic concepts. Not the same thing. Their complexity is why it's so hard to see how they communicate to the whole of me, and I saw a flicker of that this past Monday in therapy, and it's become a pretty heavy focus for me.

I see why it's so hard to disclose and very easy to ignore. I diminished being molested, I got so I was to blame for being raped and that internal voice berates me for being what I am and how I behave. All narratives with a purpose to fight for my safety from fear. Not flee, fight. I have things in me I can flee with, the terror of some things about me, but for the most part, I have a desire to fight for myself. It's the survival path of most I think. And it includes berating ourselves to push us down and away from our fear. We think we deserve the hell, it's all our fault anyway, so it's absurd any of us would want some lightness of life (Ok oddly some figure out how to do much better), but so many don't. I've been one of those. I don't get it, like I thought I did. I thought I knew myself, but this current therapist, she's been teaching me these basics and did a second, very thorough session this past Monday.

To men and women, there's a need to discuss how too separate our csa and rapes are pushed away from their commonality. Some day's future thoughts.

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#512976 - 07/05/17 01:47 PM Re: Disclosure & keeping secrets * possible triggers* [Re: HealingHope]
md4e Offline


Registered: 02/01/14
Posts: 75
HI,
I went to T on Monday and something she said goes a long with your thoughts ceremony...I was saying how difficult it is to work on things if my H doesn't talk, and she said speaking your thoughts, wants, dislikes etc is 'processing'. Wow
I agree that the grooming and abuse is all teaching of silence and shame. And yes it is childlike to not speak up for yourself and others. My main pain, realizing he isn't 'there' when I need/want him. His voice, words, thoughts....would give me a sense of safety. Plus he would feel his own power..
He too diminished the abuse, making the past what it wasn't. Oh how talking would help/heal.
I have figured out that I am an enemy to his childlike parts, ever since the abuse was disclosed which wasn't to share with me but to confirm for his sisters abuse.
How unwelcome I am to that small boy in him when really I am the GREATEST of allies. Breaks my heart for us both. His confirming for his sister is an example of the man inside him....I only want to see more of him. It's like he came out did his job and retreated. noooooo please stay
Ceremony congrats on moving forward! I get sad for you when I sense you don’t have a loving supportive wife. The same way I get sad for me feeling like I don't get seen as I am loving and supportive.
The crap left in the wake of abuse.ARG
Wishing you continued peace!

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#513004 - 07/06/17 12:35 AM Re: Disclosure & keeping secrets * possible triggers* [Re: HealingHope]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 1900
Loc: Minnesota
Hi HH and md4e, and my loving brother Sterling! There's so much to learn about and it can take so much time to reflect, study and relate it back to myself here in the Forums. I find the writing a therapy of its own, and add listening to that as a means to feel connections better. I'm feeling better today, but have to stay in the present and that's hard for me. I have a lot of distractions.

Like, presently: my cats meowing all over the place to go out and I won't let her this time, my wife is being way to much like the way she is, and my son has me worried about going back to school this fall. Then there's my knee, my weight, and going back to work next Tuesday. That's only part time and they're very nice, so I think it'll be Ok?

All of that is on top of my desire to heal, learn about how to do that, and take actions toward it. It staggers me when I write it all out like this.

What I want to do, is take the time I have and read, relate to it, and try it out. But, with all the stress of other things, it sabotages my efforts. So, I write, that's my homework, my need, my one fight to motivate that I can keep in action. I discovered its importance Monday, and that I've a complete set of work here, of over 1500 posts Since I joined last Sept., it's obvious to me, I sensed what I needed to be doing. I would write notes, that if I stopped writing, then something's wrong. I'm still writing, so, hope exists.

There's a huge wall of blocking efforts to survive in survival mode. They're all about not processing for the most part, they're there to protect, and not serve. Oh, they serve a purpose, but the serve I want and what they do are at odds. I have expectations, and they're walls, obstacles, blocks and all the adjectives that describe stopping me. This one though; writing is my skill, my craft and I'm best suited to this expression and am so glad. I'm filled with some energy to utilize it. But, I have a saboteur. My wife's energies to block what I've learned and my expectations where she's made up her mind about what's most important.


MONEY! F'ing money. Ok, sure, it's important, but there's a huge reason it's been out of my grasp and it's all of this, all of it. She's refusing to look at it in any manner, save that I'm still doing this victim stuff!! Gawd it fixates a word in my head---- Stupid!

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#513021 - 07/06/17 07:37 AM Re: Disclosure & keeping secrets * possible triggers* [Re: HealingHope]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 279
Hi Ceremony, writing here is like therapy for me too.
I wanted to thank you for encouraging me to repost.
It brought me to tears actually.
You have a beautiful soul, ceremony and a real gift of hearing others.
It felt so comforting to be asked to share what you seemed to sense was so important for me to share.
Thank you, dear Ceremony.

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