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#512721 - 06/28/17 02:50 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
WG Offline


Registered: 09/10/15
Posts: 414
Loc: WA
Luke & jewelgirl - My wife has been quite supportive, too. My children all know - not the details but that it happened is enough. I do find, however, that I do need to be alone, too. Granted, we all need time to ourselves. Hugely important. Too much time can become a problem, just like no time alone can become one, too. I have found that when I have my time alone, I will do a few things just for me - since my wife had a stroke I don't get that too often. She is high needs right now and until things calm down (it's only been 5 weeks now), I'm on call 24/7. Cooking, driving to appointments 4 days a week, physical therapy, cooking, laundry, shopping, dishes, cleaning, and on. Our children are not far so are able to come by from time to time, yet they are grown adults with their own lives and cannot be expected to camp out here. Sorry, I'm rambling - anyway, I do something for ME. I'll go to the local public market and walk around looking at what's there. I'll go to a park and walk alone for a while - cellphone off. I'll listen to favorite music loud as I drive. I'll go to the local library and look at books on a favorite subject. Your person who is the survivor needs to do things for themselves where they feel in control and rewarded. Again, granted, it may not be what you think they should be doing, but short of it being illegal or causing harm to themselves or someone else, let them go.

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#512725 - 06/28/17 04:34 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: dark empathy]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
Thank you Luke. My son and I have both read the book by Mike Loo and other books that have been very helpful. I would do everything in my power to support his healing. I do believe that expressing his anger to me might be a good release of emotions, but I understand what you are saying about rage. I will check out the message board. I will also check your posts. I have read some of them and you are insightful and helpful. I also enjoy your sense of humor. My son used humor as a coping device. He is very funny and we have enjoyed many times of uncontrollable laughter. Thank you so much Luke. I am so happy you have some peace in your life due to your marriage. I wish you all the best.

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#512729 - 06/28/17 05:03 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: WG]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
Thank you so much WG. I will continue to respect my son's need to be alone and will wait for him to contact me. My son, with a new baby helps his wife as much as he can. He is also working and getting ready to move to begin his PHD. I know he doesn't get enough sleep and that definitely impacts his well being. His wife is very supportive. She also suffers from sleep deprivation. She is able to be a stay at home mom for now. This last year has been so difficult for my son. He has a very difficult time dealing with incompetence and a lack of moral compass by other people and institutions he has dealt with. This is hard for him to accept. He has little patience when it comes to the incompetence of others. This, unfortunately is a fact of life. He will continue to face this. He is also afraid that he won't be able to protect his own son. It is apparent from this site that as a MS you cannot trust anyone! Thank you WG. I really appreciate your input. You are being an awesome caregiver to your wife. I know she will continue to improve. She has you, a wonderful caring husband. I am very blessed as well to have a wonderful husband and friends that have helped me through my physical and mental challenges. I appreciate that you take the time out of your very busy life to talk to me.

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#512793 - 06/29/17 11:09 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
WG Offline


Registered: 09/10/15
Posts: 414
Loc: WA
Hi jewelgirl - I can't imagine having to prepare to get a PhD and have a new child. I've had 3 children and worked full time (my wife was able to stay home for the first 10 years we had children)and that was challenge enough. It does get better, he will get his degree, the baby will grow up (suddenly they're 18)and for the most part life evens out - then gets bumpy- then evens out - then gets bumpy again....but who am I to tell you, you've had your share.......I get it about your son feeling like he won't be able to protect his son - he can certainly take steps to do just that without being a helicopter parent.....but I get it. This is a scary world to bring a child into. But so was the world at any other given year in history. The book by Mike Lew was the first book I had ever seen about csa - my therapist allowed me to borrow his copy and I cried myself to sleep for 2 weeks. That was 3 years ago - I don't cry as often now.
I trust your son will be able to move through this - and he will - with his mother & father, his wife, his new child, and the grit he's shown thus far in life (after all - we ARE survivors and survivors have grit).
Yes, my life is busy, however not too busy to respond to you and others on this site. Great group of brothers in here!

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#512800 - 06/30/17 02:58 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: WG]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
WG - I was so happy to get your post. My son has not contacted me for a week (I know that is not a long time} but it has been agonizing for me. He is everything to me. I will continue to be patient. This morning was better. My heart wasn't hurting and I was able to do some housework. I have a lung disease and when I am stressed I can't breathe. I am getting into a better mind space and don't feel immobilized like I did the first 3-4 days after my son needed space. I know this is because of you and other MS who have reached out to me, a Mom, and this takes courage and empathy on your part. Thank you so much. You are amazing!

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#512806 - 06/30/17 11:52 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2669
Loc: durham, north england
@Jewel girl hope your doing alright.

As I said, it is also entirely possible your son is aware how stressed you get over him and prefers to distance himself both for your sake and for his own.

One thing I noticed myself is that there are some major differences with how I interact with my lady as opposed to my mum. One of them is that my lady does not count on my "peopled out" spectrum, but my parents do.
This isn't to say that I don't love my parents (I'm currently preparing or my dad's 70th birthday party where my wife and I will be singing), just that space is a complicated thing, especially with a need for independence tacked on, since often for me I know there are times I have had to distance myself from my parents just to prove that I have actually grown up (indeed to a lesser extent this slightly continues).


I'll also say, that doing a phd in an arts subject is emotionally not an easy thing anyway since your always on your own resources, especially when combined with recovery, and if you add a child on top of that goodness knows, ---- fortunately for me, my lady cannot have children, and does not want them, which is good since I don't really like children myself either and these days I would be genuinely worried for any child of mine, indeed I don't know how I'd ever let a child go to school knowing what I experienced.

So yes, not easy, but also not impossible either.

Hope some of this helps and that your feeling better.

Luke.

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#512815 - 06/30/17 04:53 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: dark empathy]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
Luke-Thank you so much for your insights. You are absolutely spot on. Just reading your post this morning relieves my heavy heart. My son is going for a PHD in Music Composition/History but the composition of music has always been a positive venture for him. This is where he thrives. I know it will be difficult. His son brings him so much joy and happiness. I worry about school too, but I know that both he and my daughter-in-law are hyper-vigilant and will do what is best for their son. I appreciate so much that you are corresponding with me. I feel very blessed to have you and other MS show concern for me. Thank you Luke.

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#512911 - 07/03/17 01:57 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2669
Loc: durham, north england
Hi jewel girl.
Hope things are going okay. definitely appreciate the composition angle, I'm a classical tenor myself and my wife is a classical soprano, I'll sing everything from operetta to Disney.

The problem in a phd isn't so much the subject, I did at one point love what I'm doing, it's that your always stuckbasically alone, you have to motivate yourself, you rarely get input from others etc, this isn't to say not to do it, but it's something else that takes energy if your already doing recovery which is not easy.

To one extent of course a phd is good since it isn't as if your in a commercial job where you have some bullying boss breathing down your neck and possibly also being triggering, and of course your doing something worth while as opposed to being a cog in the corporate machine (which is rather a rarity these days), but it does have it's own challenges which again might be a reason your son is somewhat distancing himself.

your holding things together finding fulfilling things for your own life too.

Luke.

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#512921 - 07/03/17 07:52 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: dark empathy]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
Thank you so much Luke. I totally understand what you are saying. I know the PHD will be difficult but my son finds solace in learning. I am trying to do things for myself and I have dear friends with me this week. It is difficult for me not to communicate with my son but I realize I must give him some space. I was so happy to see your post. How wonderful that you and your wife are classical singers. Thank you again Luke. I am so grateful that you and other MS have concern for me.

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