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#512453 - 06/23/17 12:15 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
Chris4TheMill Offline


Registered: 05/16/17
Posts: 417
Loc: NY / NJ Area
Sorry Chase Eric, I amended the post again and took that comment out because I thought some people might take it the wrong way. I also didn't want my post to end up being all about me. But I still stand by the statement and thank you for supporting it.

Chris

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#512455 - 06/23/17 01:03 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2131
Loc: Minnesota
I have to say, what's been triggering me by my wife, who has no sense, and may be purposely trying to hurt me, is to full on push not being a victim anymore in my face.

When I started this process, JUST STARTED it, I didn't have a clue what my PTSD was going to be, nor did I understand what my reactions were. I've learned quite a few and I used years of past therapy failure to note how there may not be much that I could do.

I noted that I have felt hyper-vigilant as I learned what that was, I noted my limbic system is very touchy and when my wife yells, and that's every day, almost at any possible moment, and I have to add, that sometimes my son does too, they both trigger my anger and I am dumped with the limbic juices!!

This re-victimizes me. So, in this context of Chris and affirmation by Eric, I disagree! A victim, though may need some idea of direction, has a huge obstacle of their long used Limbic survival system that is automatic and it's not fair to tell a man with PTSD to "get over it", or "Stop being a victim", or "you have victim mentality". These are all in my experience and only serve to isolate me and cause anger.
_________________________
Finding ways to cope with my mind!
The next link is the song "Ceremony", and why I use it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytZ73T9jGFQ
This is the story of my rape, posted on MS:
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...1680#Post501680

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#512457 - 06/23/17 01:12 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2131
Loc: Minnesota
I think there are alpha male survivors and my response is not healthy to consider it. I'm into the fight side of the Limbic juice dump, and it's hell on the character of peace that dwells in my heart.

There are those who have a sense of themselves, which is counter to the person who doesn't and imposes that self into the sufferer, rather than stepping back and seeing the sufferer, putting themselves into their shoes.

There's disdain in this, as it's a fight.

My back is up gentle survivors, I can't take to much fight, I get it at home.

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#512459 - 06/23/17 01:52 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2888
.

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#512477 - 06/23/17 05:10 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: Chris4TheMill]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
Chris4TheMill Thank you so much for your insightful post. My son is going for his PHD in the fall and last year was very difficult because of the job market where he lives. In my family we are givers. My Mom gifts me and my husband money from her estate as she is now 83. In turn I have been able to help my son. (My Mom wants me to as she suffers from knowing that one of her children was the abuser) Yes, I do feel guilty but my son is so thankful that my mom and I have helped him with therapy. I understand and appreciate what you are saying. My son has been in therapy for almost 20 years. He has had two amazing therapists. I have been with him every step of the way. He has family support and love. I think that now the anger is more intense because of the birth of his son. You are right. I cannot fix this but can be there in a supportive role Thank you so much. I woke up with a heavy heart this morning and this is helping so much.

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#512480 - 06/23/17 05:46 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: Chase Eric]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
Thank you Chase Eric. I find great comfort in your words. I know that my son needs some space right now and I will respect that. My greatest obstacle has been forgiving myself. I became so tormented by images that I have been in therapy for two years. I stuffed my emotions for 35 years about the abuse and other things and had a breakdown in January of 2016. I had to quit work in Aug. of 2014 due to several health problems. I am so fortunate that I have a wonderful husband who has supported and taken care of me. My relationship with my family is good although I have nothing to do with my sibling who was the abuser. I still love him. He was a young teenager when he abused my son. He was born when I was 17, so I was more of a mother figure. Out of respect for my son I terminated our relationship. My mom understands. When my son is unhappy I am unhappy. This forum helps me so much. Thank you to the gentlemen who have taken the time to care and post. I am very grateful!

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#512482 - 06/23/17 06:11 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: Ceremony]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
I read your story and my heart breaks for you, Do you have any family support? It does not appear so. My son does experience these limbic reactions due to his PTSD. He admits this is a problem and sometimes affects his ability to appropriately respond. I worry about this as he is a skilled martial artist and coupled with anger this could be a problem. Your wife and son are contributing to your PTSD. This is unacceptable. You are a victim and a survivor. If these relationships are toxic you need to do something. It will not get better if you are in this environment. My husband and I had to move to get away from toxic family members. I would never tell my son to get over it. I am not over it. It is a burden on my heart every day.

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#512490 - 06/23/17 06:48 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2131
Loc: Minnesota
Thank you jewelgirl50. Has your son been having therapy for his abuse all these 20 years? There are some relevant therapies for PTSD, C-PTSD and the emotional needs to deal with the trauma of being abused.

I've just started with a new therapist. I think it will take some time to work on things, and my hope is to become better able to stay stable this year. If so, well, it's speculation from this point, I'll do best to wait and see, and have goals.

Your son seems to have a huge load of life. Going for a Phd and having a new child are both giant tasks. Getting my BS degree was a herculean effort, happening during most of my early marriage. We were working on raising our daughter back then. We had a boy 13 years ago, and that's a very big part of why I'm staying. There are nurturing reasons, what I perceive has been lacking all this time from my wife.


I know you can't speak for him and likely, for him to see you do that, it's sort of awkward. So, I'm not trying to pry in a big way, I'm just relating that I know how complex life can be with a lot going on.

I do hope his therapist has PTSD with childhood sexual trauma training. I discovered my first therapist, a sex therapist who claimed to be PTSD trained, wasn't the best fit for me. This second therapist is a great fit, so I see progress.

Best wishes.

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#512496 - 06/23/17 08:36 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: Ceremony]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
Thank you Ceremony. My son's previous two therapists and current therapist have this training. My son does have a huge load right now. He has a loving and supportive wife and they provide a loving and nurturing home for my grandson. Since the birth of his son who is now almost 15 months old some memories have surfaced that my son had previously forgotten. This has made him very angry because he cannot imagine putting his son in some of these situations. He was angry yesterday when he talked to me. I can and will take this anger but it can be debilitating for me. I turned to MS for help. If I didn't have this forum I would be more despondent. I am so grateful for your help. I am so happy that male survivors have reached out to me. I know that must be difficult as I failed my son. I know that many of your mothers failed you. As soon as I found out about the abuse I put a stop to it and he was never abused again. I continued to make mistakes after that. I was in a shut down mode. I feel ashamed and guilty. I know I can't change the past. The past continues to rob me of joy. My main concern is helping in the healing of my son. That has been my focus for almost 25 years. My heart is broken.

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#512509 - 06/24/17 02:51 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
WG Offline


Registered: 09/10/15
Posts: 419
Loc: WA
jewelgirl - Welcome to Ms -a and at the same time sad that you've discovered your need to be here. It's great that you are supportive - however, and I believe this was said in so many words already - be careful not to enable. I,too, could become a good 'mooch' when I needed to. A ride somewhere, money, certain times I wanted - I could be quite persuasive or charming - when it fit me. Sad, really, that I believed I had to be that way. However, back to you and your son - just keep doing what you're doing. You could spend a lifetime in the 'shoulda-coulda-woulda' and never resolve a thing. Are you in any sort of therapy or counseling? Or is there another woman whom you trust that you might engage with a few times a month (doing the occasional cup of coffee won't work here, there's too much to work through). I have 2 men friends who know my past abuse issues and are good listeners and ones who will tell me the truth at all times - because that in the end is what I'm truly seeking - not some feel-good advice. I really encourage you to locate someone you can speak with - not your son's therapist (because of HIPPA Laws that individual couldn't divulge anything to you anyway - at least they really shouldn't).

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