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#512433 - 06/23/17 01:14 AM I want to help my son.
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
My son is struggling with CSA, the divorce of parents, and moving after the divorce as well as not feeling protected. His abuser was a family member (5 years older) a male, who abused him from 8-10. After counseling shortly after the abuse the abuser apologized but as parents we made the horrible mistake of my son having to be around the abuser. My son is very angry (rightfully so) at the lack of protection. He was also put in neglectful situations by both parents. I was working so much and not receiving child support. I sometimes worked three jobs to support us. My ex (when my son was with him) did not provide ample food for him. Many times I bought food to put in my ex's fridge. Now that my son is a father, he cannot imagine what we were thinking while engaging in this behavior. My son and I are close and are always open when we speak. Because he never had a voice as a child he was always afraid and in survival mode. This is a summary but I need some help. My son is 43 and has been in therapy for almost 20 years. Thank you for any suggestions.

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#512435 - 06/23/17 01:42 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
jaw Offline


Registered: 10/02/16
Posts: 18
Loc: MD
Hi Jewelgirl,
Welcome to MS!!! Has he ever thought of joining this group or maybe he already is?

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#512436 - 06/23/17 01:57 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
He has visited the site. I will encourage him to join. He was diagnosed in the top 2% of PTSD but is entering a Phd program in the fall. I read a post by Ceremony where he referred to Mind Storms. That is what is happening with my son. He can't understand the decisions that my ex and I made. I told him he can rage at me. I can take it. I just want him to get better. I was and am a loving and affectionate mother. We talk about 3 times per week. I feel heartbroken about this. Thank you for your response.

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#512438 - 06/23/17 02:40 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2123
Loc: Minnesota
I applaud your willingness to be his ally. I think unconditional acceptance at any point from a parent is a good thing. It's difficult for me to accept it form my parent, in this case my mother, because of what you describe. Which for me, is the disappointment of neglect and unintentional re-traumatizing.

I do best when I initiate anything with my family, especially my mom. We understand each other, but the baggage I carry from what I think about her and what was done raising me, is deep and broad, a mine field, fraught with possible triggers. Recently, I started to reach out to my mom again, and I was very tentative, and rightly so. The good news is I'm able to say what I really think and need now. It's hurt her, but her hurting me is far more damaging to myself, than what I might be doing to her, my parent. Though I have a lot of empathy for her, it's very important that she know I have to be doing all things with her at my pace and my initiative. There is just too much history.

I noticed you mentioned "mind storms", and those are intense and can take a long time to begin to manage. I take the term directly form the Big Book of AA, giving proper credit. It's a very descriptive and accurate metaphor of that event. Chronic, Complex or standard PTSD all could have mind storms as far as I'm concerned. My therapists didn't address them very much, until I started to deal with this sexual trauma from childhood. Then, it was to learn how to be grounded, understand mindfulness and other issues about the brain.

Welcome to this community jewelgirl50, there's a lot to navigate and learn. I look forward to your insight and experience.

Best wishes.

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#512440 - 06/23/17 03:05 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2882
.

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#512441 - 06/23/17 04:11 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: Ceremony]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
Thank you so much Ceremony. My son and I communicate frequently. I see him as much as possible and we are trying to work through these issues. I am devoted to his healing. I have apologized many times, acknowledged my failings, and have asked for forgiveness. This past year has been very stressful for him as he has a new baby, faced a lack of job opportunities and financially struggled. I helped him financially through this period. The birth of his son was a trigger which provoked memories he had forgotten. I will accept his anger if it helps with his healing. He is going to talk to his therapist about this. Thank you so much for your response.

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#512442 - 06/23/17 04:13 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: Ceremony]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
My response is below the post by Chase Eric. Getting used to this format. Thanks again.

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#512443 - 06/23/17 04:31 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: Chase Eric]
jewelgirl50 Offline


Registered: 06/22/17
Posts: 31
Chase Eric your post helped me so much. I have talked to my son many times throughout his childhood about this abuse but I did send him to the Lions Den after both my son and his abuser received immediate therapy. I thought things were okay and I realize now I was stupid. My son never felt safe or protected. He lived in fear and anxiety all the time. He hid this as he didn't feel he would be heard. The abuse was perpetrated by my sibling. He wasn't born until I was 17, so he was five years older than my son. My son's father and I divorced soon after the abuse and I went to Alaska to work when my son needed me most. I foolishly thought he would be fine with his dad for the 6 months I was gone. I was traumatized and shut down. I made some stupid decisions and my son was left alone a lot when he was 10-11 because I was working three jobs. His dad never helped. Thank you so much Chase Eric. I will post more later.


Edited by jewelgirl50 (06/23/17 04:49 AM)

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#512451 - 06/23/17 11:43 AM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: jewelgirl50]
Chris4TheMill Offline


Registered: 05/16/17
Posts: 417
Loc: NY / NJ Area
jewelgirl,

I am going to offer a different perspective here. Yes, it was a mistake to leave him there, which you now realize. On the positive side, you care and are now trying to make amends and support his recovery and repair your relationship. The fact that you are trying and are working toward repair means there is hope. The rest will be up to him.

He is still angry and so it will take some time to work through that and everything else. However, keep in mind too that despite everything that happened, he is now an adult. It is his responsibility to work through his anger, the abuse, and any related issues with you regarding it. You have made efforts to move closer and to help him. But you will not be able to do his part for him.

I mention this to say, be careful not to get into a potential trap where you allow him to use his past or present circumstances to manipulate you with guilt. I am not saying that is going on because I don't know, but you mentioned financial help and I do not know if that was a loan or what it was from your point of view. But I know that there was a tendency for me as an abuse victim to feel that the world owes me everything because of the pain I suffered. I see that as well in so many others, like my brother. But I had to learn the very hard way that this kind of mindset prevented me from really beginning to grow up and facing reality and from doing what I needed to do to get better and to move forward.

So keep in mind that no one will be able to get your son past all the anger and hurt, he has to do the bulk of the recovery work on his own. The fact that he is in counseling is a good start.

You are ahead of the game in a way because I never had a parent or family member that cared, in fact most of them were primary abusers. I hope he can eventually come to accept that you had some bad circumstances back then as well (financially, with his father, etc.) and that you probably did the best you could back then given your own limitations. Sounds too like his father did not handle the situation well but he should have. Being your son's father you had a right to expect him to be responsible for helping his son.

It seems to me that the best you can do for your son is what you are already doing, being supportive and holding out an olive branch. Beyond that, encourage him to take advantage of any specific help like MS or any other related organizations. I wish you and your son the best.


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#512452 - 06/23/17 12:08 PM Re: I want to help my son. [Re: Chris4TheMill]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2882
.

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