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#512193 - 06/17/17 07:42 PM deleted [Re: HealingHope]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 307

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#512206 - 06/18/17 03:09 AM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: Robert1000]
LinEar Offline


Registered: 06/02/15
Posts: 372
Loc: USA
Bob,

Thanks for this angle on things. I see myself in so much of what you've written, yet I've never really thought about it in this way.

I'm the king of irregular boundaries when it comes to physical "intimacy", emotional intimacy, and the inner core especially -- what I think of as the inner child (aka a part, in the IFS model), who took the brunt of the abuse. Irregular boundaries and their associated inconsistencies are frustrating to us, and others, and they can even contribute to repetition compulsion/retraumatization.

It's interesting how emotional intimacy tied to an abusive event is in no way correlated with emotional intimacy related to the painful things we have ongoing here and now. I know I have been in relationships where traumatic events were disclosed to me in a sort of manipulated/forced way much earlier than they naturally would have been. Part of that was an attempt to create instant emotional intimacy (which is not possible), to generate that connection, and even to be used for guilt tripping as an "irrefutable" argument/trump card. Whether we do it, or somebody else does, it's not healthy. This can then lead to one of the issues with disclosure/over-disclosure -- now we're operating out of another part, or another false self, in an effort to fit into how someone expects us to be, as you alluded to.
_________________________
Spotlight...get me out of this spotlight.


My silence is my self-defense.

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#512233 - 06/18/17 06:05 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
Hi LinEar,

I totally know what you're saying about the irrefutable argument/trump card. It can be so powerful and dysfunctional to be able to blame behavior on CSA trauma. It's so unhealthy. I know I've done traumatic things to people. I haven't abused anyone that way I was abused, but that doesn't mean I haven't been destructive. I believe we all must be accountable for our actions, just as I'd want the person who hurt me to be accountable for his, even though I'm confident he was also abused at some point.

HH, I do have a lot of anger. I hope you don't feel my anger was directed at you, because it certainly isn't.

Keep finding moments of peace, everyone.

Bob

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#512234 - 06/18/17 06:41 PM deleted [Re: HealingHope]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 307

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#512245 - 06/19/17 01:00 AM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 453
Thank you, HH,

I appreciate this forum so much. It's very comforting to have interactions like this sometimes. I wish you the very best, and your survivor, too. I have been thinking about how important it is to me, personally, to advocate for instance for a society that allows refugees to find a safe haven, how it's important for me to find ways to help marginalized people... and also people like me who've been traumatized, raped and abused. Humans are both fragile and tough. It's worth it to keep loving each other, because that's all we really have.

On a related subject, for some of us survivors it can be difficult to accept someone else's love, because we often see ourselves as unlovable. In a funny way, I think a part of me used to resent my wife for loving me, maybe because she loved an image of me that I thought was fake. Also, I think there was a part of me that sort of blamed her for the terrible stuff that happened to me, as odd as that may sound. We didn't meet until a decade after the abuse took place. How could I blame her? Well, maybe I didn't blame her for the abuse, but I blamed her for how bad I felt all the time. A part of me expected my love for her to heal me. It didn't. Or maybe it did because my love for her was finally what forced me to confront my own past. I knew I had to confront my past or lose her. So I did. In the process, I learned a lot about my feelings. It's an ongoing project. I'm getting better at accepting love.

I hope that stuff makes sense. Take care,

Bob

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#512263 - 06/19/17 07:44 AM deleted [Re: Robert1000]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 307




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#512322 - 06/20/17 12:24 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2695
Loc: durham, north england
On the subject of "understanding" it occurs to me there is a major difference between "understanding" something and "accepting" or indeed relying on something.

I do not understand why my lady loves me. The fact astonishes me each and every day. There is no reason that I can explain as much.

Even if I try to interlectualise things frame our relationship in terms of two characters in a novel it still does not make sense to me.

when I found myself forced to admit to my lady how I felt the shear astonishment that she felt the same way was positively world shattering! indeed at that point I actually didn't care! she was with someone else, I told her "your best off with him, since i have no life to share with you" a thing I genuinely believed., it was enough to know someone did! love me.

I do however accept! that my lady loves me, a fact I absolutely rely on and which is utterly immutable.

it is like gravity.
If you think about the fact that the earth is spinning extremely rapidly whilst turning in ovals around a far larger ball in space, the idea of it can make you dizzy, especially given the relative speeds involved. You wonder why everyone doesn't fly straight off the earth into space in all directions.

But gravity is there.

We don't know how it works, even down to the subatomic level we don't know how! it works, we can't just point to it and say "there is gravity" without demonstrating it, but we accept that it works each and every day.

that is how it is for me with my lady. I cannot understand that there is anything in me would correlate to her loving me, but I cannot deny the fact that she does.

One thing about disclosure is I've noticed it can actually create a distance between people.

One thing which always irritates me is frequently if I meet a new group of people and we get past the recognizing that I am the same species phase, people seem to think I have a sign on my forehead reading "Brother confessor"

I can think of separate occasions on a train in which a person (three times a lady), started talking to me and finished up discussing personal, often traumatic things, and yet with no conception that we'd ever see each other again.
it is almost as if I have an aura of "talk to me!" about me.

Yet, the odd thing is (as I've learned to my cost), this never creates an actual connection between people. It is not a way to make friends, indeed frequently I confess I feel rather slighted since someone will tell me all the bad stuff that happened to them, their relationship problems or medical problems, and then piss off and forget my existence!

it is not something I've done myself, until my lady I've always found talking about my abuse difficult, mostly because I tend to go into a very cold, emotionless place when I do it (one nasty therapist even accused me of talking as though I were discussing a science experiment), but it does seem to be something a lot of people do, indeed the one occasion I think I nearly fell pray to a sexual predator myself, that was how she got me on side, ---- luckily my genophobia actually saved me on that occasion, but it was literally just one bedroom door away and it terrifies me to think destructive that could have been, especially with how pushy, cold and predatory said woman was.

As for excuses for bad behaviour, my own problem I think is rather the opposite, indeed my lady frequently tells me off for apologising too much, or still worse for thanking her for loving me (something I really can't help doing but which she has told me she finds problematic since she feels it's undeserved).

Luke.

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