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#511732 - 06/07/17 01:32 PM What I would say to my 5 year old self
dac Offline

Registered: 05/15/17
Posts: 95
Loc: OR
This is kind of like another form of affirmation, that came out of a therapy exercise.

If I could go back in time and talk to the 5 year old David, what would I tell myself? What would I say to the traumatized, fearful, confused, hurt and bewildered child? I would look into his eyes and tell him this:

Buddy, I know things are tough right now. Things are bad. You can't begin to understand what is happening now, and maybe you never will. But I can tell you this, David... you make it! You make it!

There is no way you can imagine what you are destined to become, but I know. You turn out just fine. These people now who hurt you, who betray you, who tell you you're bad, they and their lies all disappear.

One day you are going to move to a beautiful place with an ocean, mountains, forests, rivers and streams flowing with pure sparkling water. You know what else? You become an artist, a really good artist!

One day you find people that love you, and care for you, and nurture you, and treat you right.

I know things are starting out tough, and that is not the way it's supposed to be. It's not right. But that doesn't change who you are inside! That beautiful heart that beats inside you may be hurting, but it's a good heart, a pure heart, a strong heart! A heart that feels...

It won't stay dark forever. The sun is going to rise for you, and you will look back someday and realize what I'm telling you is true: you make it! YOU MAKE IT!!

Do what you have to do to get through this... Just know that no matter how bad it is, no matter how much it hurts, you will get through this. You have a bright future that will surely come, and when it does, it will be smiling on you. And you will be smiling, too.

#511733 - 06/07/17 01:42 PM Re: What I would say to my 5 year old self [Re: dac]
Can_I_Do_This Offline

Registered: 05/17/17
Posts: 146
Loc: California
Beautiful. I've gone back in my mind to the beatings I received and "rescued" myself, pulling my Dad off of me and slamming him against the wall where he collapses like a ragdoll. Kind of a negative thing, I know, but I have a lot of anger towards him and always will. I mean, he beat little children.

"Going back" and talking to your childhood self is what self-love exercises are all about. Love your inner kid, love your adult self, and watch the glory of you begin to unfold.
My Truth Outweighs Your Disorder

#511735 - 06/07/17 01:56 PM Re: What I would say to my 5 year old self [Re: dac]
dac Offline

Registered: 05/15/17
Posts: 95
Loc: OR
Thank you Can I Do This. I don't really have a lot of anger, for some reason, but interestingly it was anger and rage that prompted me to go to therapy. My special needs son utterly destroyed and demolished my studio and a lot of artwork in the process. I kind of went off and screamed and raged in a way I never had before. That got me into therapy, and by the second session it was all about CSA/ACE.

#511742 - 06/07/17 03:15 PM Re: What I would say to my 5 year old self [Re: dac]
Tom E. Offline

Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 662
Loc: FL
I would say To my 5 year old self: Tom, I love you. I will be your friend forever. If I could have I would have protected my young self from abuse & bullying... & would have tried to coach my young adult self and said, "I don't think this is the right path for you, Tom. And stop the drinking & drugging, your a mess, look what happens to you every time you get wasted. People are just using your body, they don't love you or even like you."

#511746 - 06/07/17 03:42 PM Re: What I would say to my 5 year old self [Re: dac]
DanielQ432 Offline

Registered: 03/31/17
Posts: 323
Loc: Midwest
My answer today is different from what it would have been a week ago, or even yesterday. I posted on another thread about the anger and rage I have felt towards the 4 year old self I conjured up in my mind during therapy/during all of this. I really, really was upset that "he" aka "me at that age" wasn't some uber-strong, mental tough guy who could take it and keep on living in a way that wouldn't make me turn out this way, wounded and often dysfunctional. Obviously not realistic. 4 years old isn't an age where those aspects of character have formed, nor the understanding to analyze pain and fear and put it into some rational context.

Today, I'm kind of blank. That anger and all of the negatives with it feel almost gone, I can read this thread, and even think about my own experiences, and even about that mental image of my four year old self, with more of a sense of compassion and much less anger and blame.

I wish I knew what any of this was really about - it all sounds like something out of a psychological melodrama.

#511773 - 06/08/17 04:30 AM Re: What I would say to my 5 year old self [Re: dac]
Elad1 Offline

Registered: 01/11/16
Posts: 205
Loc: In The Treehouse

What a beautiful thing to say to your 5y/o self. It takes courage to write an intimate passage, and to acknowledge him is a really big deal. The feelings and emotions are probably very much felt and perhaps uncomfortable, but to be willing and able to sit with them shows the progress you are making. Through your pain, your message of affirmation conveys hope, serenity and optimism...what a healthy place to be. I get the sense that the little boy has grown to be a pretty neat guy who is not only creative and smart but who possesses the strength to be able to face some ugly and horrible acts perpetrated upon him in childhood. Dac, this is a victory!

#511787 - 06/08/17 11:59 AM Re: What I would say to my 5 year old self [Re: dac]
dac Offline

Registered: 05/15/17
Posts: 95
Loc: OR
Thank you, Elad for the kind words, I really appreciate it.

I hope you are doing well.

#511819 - 06/09/17 12:34 AM Re: What I would say to my 5 year old self [Re: dac]
Zappafan Offline

Registered: 12/23/16
Posts: 45
Loc: Canada
Have been off this forum for awhile, came back yesterday. Have been struggling with a few things. Log on tonite looking for a thread that interests me and yours jumps out.

I begin to read and ...

I too have a 5 year old David I am trying to reach. I read what you said about being an artist, and I have always wanted to be a writer. Coincidence? Or have the Gods of Shame and Guilt placed you in my path?

I know I've been struggling to connect with my inner child , so now will attempt without a safety net, here goes...

What I would say to my 5 year old self.

Dear David: the horrors you've been subjected to, the betrayals, the torture, and the utter lack of ability of those responsible for your care, ( they signed up for that when they adopted you), to fathom the damage done. And their shameful inability to connect your beginning to drink/drug/rage at the age of 14 to what they know happened , and further not to get you help. And the utter humiliation of having to see those that raped you upstairs while your parents ate dessert downstairs at every "special" occasion. Or to see their grinning hick faces as your Dad exchanged pleasantries with them about the blackfiles.

None of it was your fault. You deserved better and you have every right to be angry, hate filled, abusive, cruel, sadistic, and warped beyond redemption. But your only angry.

And the victim that you became. And the shame and guilt you draped your rage in was palpable to those around you. And yet they never asked. David what's wrong? You were invisible and you deserved a better father.

And I'm proud of you now and have always been. I'm proud of your resilience, your strength to overcome the debilitating panic and anxiety and your desire to learn and live and to find the bright side in the darkest of places, and to want to help others quite frankly amazes me.

You've overcome addictions , you've gone back to school and gotten a degree to help others, and FINALLY after 8 therapists the 9th one turned out to be the BEST and so well worth the 35 year wait.

And your own son loves you like you never loved your dad.

So David I know we have some difficult work ahead and if it's ok with you I'd like to do it together. I love you and will fight to the death before I let anything like that happpen to you again.

You are worth it.

#511825 - 06/09/17 08:55 AM Re: What I would say to my 5 year old self [Re: dac]
WG Offline

Registered: 09/09/15
Posts: 540
Loc: WA
Dear Younger Me - I am here because of you. I want to kneel down and look you in the eye and tell you that you are a strong,resilient,capable, terrific boy who never deserved to be treated that way.
Those times you sat in the dirt out under the eucalyptus tree and told the neighbor's dog what he was doing to you were so important and yet incredibly sad at the same time. He seemed to understand your need to talk and as he leaned in you would talk.
All that happened to you have made me the man I am today. Someone I'm learning to become. The definition of what constitutes a man wasn't shown to you very often - certainly not by the neighbor who tore your childhood from you - yet you knew one day you would grow into a man - not a woman. What to do with that? You muddled along. From one thing to another - motions each day, but not a life. Now, almost 50 years later, we're getting to know one another and I am so grateful that I am being given this chance to do so. I love you - words you never heard - and I want to know you. You deserve it.

#511826 - 06/09/17 09:47 AM Re: What I would say to my 5 year old self [Re: dac]
Ceremony Offline

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 3019
Loc: Minnesota
I've not gotten too far with telling my newly recovered, just this Monday, youngest self, anything of substance. I've been sitting with having recovered him all week. It's been very hard to deal with. A very significant event in my life. I've written about it 3 times so far in a thread about it.

I've a long way to go with self esteem, and more too with being assertive and avoid the rage that's just too easy to tap. Being a man makes me have a lot of dissonance, because there's more to being a man than stating I'm not a woman! I don't want to offend WG, and know generationally, there's reasons for how we men look at what is being a man. I have a sensitivity I can tap into, and it's what many will think is a feminine thing, and I don't give a damn what other men think about it. I'll give stare for stare about messing with my ways. But, there's a thing about being a man that's never going to be Ok with me.

Hating me is going to take a lot of effort to overcome!

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