Newest Members
jake1985, cactus8, Neil Benesh, blazzeee, mmm coffee
13531 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
isol8er (46), omrfople (41), zookeeper (54)
Who's Online
2 registered (Ceremony, 1 invisible), 64 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,531 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,387 Topics
491,554 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#511612 - 06/05/17 10:26 PM Reclaiming my long neglected child selves
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2022
Loc: Minnesota
Today was another very special day in therapy. My Terrible childhood was not reawakened without first reclaiming some of those children inside of me. I had previously chosen four age timeframes that I can recognize as significant to myself. They are 3-4, 6, 8 and 12 years of age. I also have 15 and 16, and include 17, but these are more of the growing, or age of heavier adult interactions.

My childhood are those very significant ages, and I chose each with a representative young me. I looked at a visualization of myself at those ages in my mind. I had all four in the therapy, arrayed in that room. They waited their turn to be dealt with.

Let me attempt to place the significance of the therapy to reach out to my inner child/ren. It's these 4 because I left those ages with memories of various hardship and trauma. To each of those children of me, I could create a visual of me at that age, and what I may have been doing, how I felt, what things meant to me, and most significantly, I have memories.

There are parts of therapy that are foundational, and I want to pick two of those before I go any further. The first for me was to address whether I was to blame, or be at fault for the sexualizing of molestation and rape. Had I invited it, wanted it, enticed it, fallen into it with ineptitude but nonetheless done things that made the situation of my trauma? At first, I struggled to accept I was not to blame. I figured out from the Men's Group I was in, that I would not begin to heal, to look at healing to do anything about healing, until I realized I was not to blame, not at fault. Too, I had time with an advocate that reinforced this, who listened to me for 9 weeks and made efforts that I be validated for my truth, my emotions. I did a lot of talking, just like I do a lot of posts. It's who I am. I did accept I was not to blame, and my healing was not able to begin.

To me, blame has one function in the process of healing. To start it. Without accepting I was not at fault, why bother?! Brothers, tell me I'm right, I want to know your thoughts about what I just wrote. To recap: Blame must be rejected, or healing will not begin; that is my experience. A vital experience.

The second was to discover why my inner, lost, neglected and abused child needed to be discovered, to be regained. That child was long ago repressed, pushed out of my mind with the methods we may use. I succeeded and left my child self lost to an oblivion of my creation. Inside me was a void of anger, and suppressed need. Both of which play immense roles in my character, my personality and how I define myself. Men here on MS, who have succeeded before me, who wrote their ideas, who mention they've been working to see that inner child helped me to know it existed. My T has done a job I had no prior experience, to help me find these inner children.

Thus, this day arrives. Today, I added age 3-4, and 6 to my already recovered 12 year old. My 8 year old is safely awaiting my return to reclaim him, fully understanding the myriad nuanced reasons for delaying his reuniting today. To claim my 3-4 year old was intense. I had no idea what I had not done, until it was done.

First, I went over some of my current thoughts, and added that I've had aggression on my mind and really can't pinpoint where it started. My T had another idea from my discussion and steered me to consider that my 3-4, 6 and 8 year old from the previous sessions were still waiting for me, to join the 12yr old I had already recovered.

I had no idea how intensely physical I would react to trying to look into what connecting with that 3-4 year old would be. I was amazed at how I underwent immense physical reactions: crying dizziness, gut wrench, tightness and feeling like I was not grounded. I had to work extra hard to keep my feet on the ground. I hope some of you have experienced that, it's too weird to describe. Like I might float, well, not exactly float, but my feet weren't feeling the ground, I had to make my feet feel the ground. Does that make sense to anyone?

Ok, I sidetrack, it's important, this whole process is important, to me it's healing on a scale I had no idea was a thing, would be a thing, and would be my thing.

I took maybe a half hour to finally see my 3-4 year old, a mind storm hit me about the neglect, his isolation, his being alone and not knowing he needed anything, he had just shut down. He was a product of that old psychology parents in the 60's and other, thought was the latest and greatest fad. To let the newborn, the baby or toddler, cry themselves out. It was something about not letting them be too attached, in a world that was all about being an individual. It was to me a torture, a means to intentionally traumatize a newborn, a baby, and toddlers who need physical nurturing, the cooing of mothers, the warm embrace of being held when crying, the real need to know they're part of something they'll learn to depend on. That, they'll learn there is such a thing as depending on someone, and not feel guilty about it. It's a parents unconditional love. I had none of that. Not all abuse, not really that at all, but neglect is an abuse, and that kind I got, a lot of the neglect.

The 3-4 year old was an empty vessel, unaware of why it existed, nor what it was to do? My visualizations of him were all alone. He standing on a couch, looking at himself in a mirror. He in bed, touching a lamp chain for something to do. And oddly, all the visualizations, the location is always at my father's parents house. Nothing anywhere else. Very odd?! But, there is where I found my 3-4 year old. Vacant of thought, vacant of any interaction, shut down now, not asking for much, just being there. I discovered, that was very painful to myself as I am now. I looked into that situation as I see it from my mind now, how I would be as a parent, how I am as a parent, and I was dismayed with pain. Waves of pain swept over me as I went back to this 3-4 year old and felt that isolation and vacant mind, thoughts stopped, an empty vessel of a child, not knowing he needed things. Not knowing there were things to be looking for.

How a parent would want such a child, now, I can see the anger I get, to see myself from how I had been as a baby to toddler, I was sabotaged for a lifetime of not being worthy, not being loved, unable to bond. I wasn't allowed to know what bonding was. I was rejected. I went into that physical reaction when I realized how much pain I was having as I am now, looking at me at age 3-4. It too all of another 15 minutes to go through the process. That process was to finally reach out to me, to have me rejoin me, and to have me an adult, hold me at 3-4 in an embrace that was desperately needed. I finally accomplished it with the pain I've described. It was incredible.

Next, the last part of the session, I went to see if I could also reclaim the 6 year old. I did so with less difficulty, because this child of me was still about as vacant of feelings, or knowing anything about anything as the 3-4 year old has been. But, this 6 year old recognized there was something missing. There must have been some fleeting sightings of children whose parents showed them a reality I didn't understand, and wondered of. Too, at this time we had a t.v. and I had at least watched Casey Jones, and some other children's shows. It was to see that children had some importance, and I wondered if I could have that?

I've written some before on MS, about how this 6 year old had tried to clean a side table, which had two large drawers. It was one of my middle of the night times of awakening and knowing my mother was still out, we 3 kids, supposed to be asleep and dreaming. Not me, I woke often. I went to try and be a good kid, to show I was a good kid. Am I good mommy, did I do good? I never knew... Nothing I did ever caught the attention I had hoped, and I never said anything. My little cleaning times, just went on without reward. I knew this 6 year old of me needed to know he was wanted, and he was easier to get back. I only took about 5 minutes to embrace this part of me.

Now, I have begun embracing me at 3-4, me at 6 and my 12 year old joined this too. He was not going to miss out. He knew what I was doing, we had gone over it, like I'm doing with this post. He's a smart kid. The little ones were now in my embrace and the therapist wondered if I wanted to get the 8 year old too? I balked now. My 8 year old has a lot of memories that I can't just put away. I actually took upon myself some of the 6 year old's memories today. I stored them for later processing. I don't know if I'll ever process all these memories. My T has explained, it might not be necessary to do them all, this process we're doing, helps these reclaimed children to grow up, to become one with me and we reunite. It amazes me, because I understand. I get this and want it.

So, my 8 year old and I decided he could wait for me with 2 friends of that time. He would be Ok, he too knows some of what I'm doing, like my 12 year old truly understands. These kids of me are smart. So, I'm going to go back and get my 8 year old when I'm ready.

Ok, that's enough, I want to write more, but maybe someone has some tale of their own to add, and it won't be wrong to just tell your story, I want that. This new thread, I want to know about your child. Tell me.

Top
#511655 - 06/06/17 12:42 PM Re: Reclaiming my long neglected child selves [Re: Ceremony]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2022
Loc: Minnesota
To heal, I first had to succeed at knowing I was not to blame, It's the first step, to me, that's all that's supposed to achieve. Second I had to find therapy that is compatible with how I think. It's amazing, an incredible feeling to be understood and guided in ways that I fully achieve the connection. To me, there is no better way to heal than to write and write and write, and then find therapy that validates and moves the truth of my life back into myself.

I have long dissociated myself from my past, from life. I don't want to live, I want to hide, to detach and do the things that don't threaten me and so much seems to have been threatening to me. I perceive threat in every person who is old enough to have some power to choose harming others. To those who I see harming others, in the news, it reinforces my expectations and perception that there are vast swaths of humans whose life is to be an asshole and harm others. I'm not easy on them, I see evil, I don't have forgiveness to them, I have hate and rage.

I have seen that those perceptions have come from how I was raised, and what life dealt me. Neglect is insidiously destructive, a horrible demeaning of life and leads to where I know I shut down. I saw yesterday that I shut down as a baby/toddler. I finally connected that dot. I shut down.

Think about that!
_________________________
Finding ways to cope with my mind!
The next link is the song "Ceremony", and why I use it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytZ73T9jGFQ
This is the story of my rape, posted on MS:
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...1680#Post501680

Top
#511788 - 06/08/17 04:04 PM This thread is very important to me, please help [Re: Ceremony]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2022
Loc: Minnesota
I've been easily upset for four days now. I did a very powerful session with my T and she knows I'm aware, ready and know what's going on, but men, I'm really getting the full load of emotions that come with what I've begun doing.

I'm already an easily upset person, that is, if attacked in person by verbal abuse of any level, I'm going to be very upset. The lowest kind is to just tell me what to do, like my mom does, or my wife. They're two peas in a pod with that regard, and the stereo affect keeps me away from my mom. Too, she doesn't know the boundary about telling me about her "libido" (exact quote) and finding a man. I don't give a fuck!! Gawd, I came out to her about my rape and sexualized anything is not anything whatever I want to hear from my fucking mother!! So, now I've cut talk again. She's been very depressed, and I know that shit, so I tried to be a bit more there about talk, because it's so hard, and she's fucked up her relationship with my sister, and done damage with my best friend, my brother. That last one, to fuck up with my brother, that's very hard to do. You really have to fuck up; she's been saying shit about my sister and about his wife to him!! WTF, like what in the hell makes some dumbass talk shit about their daughter or daughter-in-law, to the brother/husband?! Stupidity?!

Fuck, I'm really dealing with this other thing, but that shit has hit the fan at this same time and I'm very upset. My mom, AGAIN, like in 2010, wants to cheerlead me toward getting a new job. She was nice back then, did pretty good, though she was not good. I can tell you horror!! But, god dammit, see how she's dominating this post when she's not anything about what I REALLY want to post!!! So, fuck this post, I'm posting it so you know I'm really going down the fucking rabbit fucking hole!!!

Top
#511790 - 06/08/17 04:20 PM This thread is very important to me, please help [Re: Ceremony]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2022
Loc: Minnesota
Now, the real post, what I meant to talk about, and guys, don't tell me what to do, please know I'm really on a path, and doing so much what I think is helping me, I need soothing support, a guy to sit with me and say, dude, you'll be OK, it's Ok.


So, now, this finding my young selves. I've got my 3-4 year old, and this little guy is a really big deal. I couldn't manage to see how much importance he had until my T worked to guide me. She was very kind, very gently sought to show me there was a very big deal going on between my current self at 55, and the stuck in age 3-4 self. It's that Shut Down little boy, who didn't know anything, and was kept in a situation where he was blank for all of it. Birth to, probably age 7 seems when I had thoughts. Does that make sense? I mean really, 7 years old, and I'm noticing that things with my childhood are not like other kids.

They're in homes, they're doing things on the weekend with mom and dad, and I'm mostly alone, but age 7-8 I have two friends. And my little brother wasn't too bad yet, so that was Ok too. So, I looked at my 3-4 and was overwhelmed to think I could bring him into me, like I did my 12 year old about a month ago. That 12 year old took more energy than I thought I had, but my T was very soothing. With this 3-4 year old it was nearly as bad as the 12 year old, with regard to my intense physical reaction.

To me, this does go to what I've read from other men here, that they have found their younger self. I don't know if they did it with sensorimotor psychotherapy or EMDR like I'm doing, but to me, this is bringing a lot of myself back into me. This is me that I refused, I rejected, I couldn't look at nor thought I would have any intention of wanting to go looking for. My T, an amazing T, is guiding me and so far it's been all I could hope for. This thing, this emotional and distraught past 3 days, can't really include today yet, have been days I'm obsessed about not thinking too much.

I don't feel too much like me, or maybe it's that I'm changed? The goal to rewire my brain, or what I think is that goal is still the same, though reading a lot around here I don't know exactly the outcome for myself, it's still a hope to be more of me than I could be if I did nothing. To me, I see no good for me to stay the same as I've been. Anxious, depressed, rage easily at perceived threats, easily perceive threats, fear a friend or family member, but want them so badly... On and On.

My motivations are to be a better me, for loving myself, to make better choices and assert what's good for me. I want to be a better dad, though I do as good a job as I can, and if it will be, to be a better husband, and then family member, and friend. All of it seems hinged on being better in many ways. Well, I'm tired.
_________________________
Finding ways to cope with my mind!
The next link is the song "Ceremony", and why I use it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytZ73T9jGFQ
This is the story of my rape, posted on MS:
http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/b...1680#Post501680

Top
#511794 - 06/08/17 04:27 PM Re: This thread is very important to me, please help [Re: Ceremony]
Chris4TheMill Offline


Registered: 05/16/17
Posts: 405
Loc: NY / NJ Area
Sorry, I wrote something in response to your earlier post but then you posted again and specified what you wanted and didn't want, and I didn't know if my post was going to be to your liking or not, so I deleted it. Maybe I'll try again another time....

But I think you'll be o.k. as you keep processing this stuff.

Top
#511804 - 06/08/17 07:03 PM Re: This thread is very important to me, please help [Re: Ceremony]
Tom E. Offline


Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 419
Loc: FL
Ceremony-
Wow. What amazing work & progress you are achieving.
Your therapist sounds really good. I'm not sure mine is as thorough as yours. I haven't done much work on toddler Tom at all.
I think I have to because a lot of my fears & dysfunction come from or started way back then. I was alone playing by myself a lot, I think, at 4 or so. I didn't want to go outside & play with others. I felt safer in my room with my imagination. My Mom caught me once acting out some sort of play I was performing for myself where I was the lead role and the hero. All of a sudden I noticed her watching me, amused, the door to my room cracked open a little. I was mortified, I felt spied upon, violated.

Top
#511852 - 06/10/17 02:36 PM Re: Reclaiming my long neglected child selves [Re: Ceremony]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2022
Loc: Minnesota
Thank you Chris and Tom. I've been very depressed all week. It's been lonely and very difficult. Today is a new day, I'm just about ready to get up. I have a lot of tears today. Too many, so if I'm going to cry at everything, I might feel awkward where I want to go today. A music festival, where 98% I expect there to be people under 35. I'm 55. But, I'm alone, a fat old white man, who will not bother anyone, not gawk, nor make a foolish overt push onto anyone. I'm civil, polite and kind. I just hope I don't burst into tears.

I'm crying just writing this and it's just not what I wanted for today. I'm trying to convince myself to go, I've planned it for days now, and got up to go, but it's going to be over an hour past the time I intended and every minute I delay is another day I might sit at home alone, curtains drawn, doing nothing in particular. And that's what I want. I don't really want contact unless it's my brother. He's at this point the only human I can tolerate. But.... Here I'm wanting to go in public with maybe 20k young people to watch music, but it's that thing, lost in a crowd, alone in a crowd, not noticed because of the crowd. So, it's sort of my mind game that it's the same thing.

Ok, give me some love, I need some love.

Top
#511854 - 06/10/17 03:17 PM Re: Reclaiming my long neglected child selves [Re: Ceremony]
wgrrcb Offline


Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 49
People might just think you're really into the music if you start crying. They probably won't say anything. If you think you can enjoy the festival then it's worth getting up and going.

Top
#511855 - 06/10/17 03:37 PM Re: Reclaiming my long neglected child selves [Re: wgrrcb]
Ceremony Online   confused
Greeter

Registered: 09/15/16
Posts: 2022
Loc: Minnesota
Thank you Wgrrcb, I'm getting up right now. I will go, thank you for being here and that kindness. It means a lot to me.

Top

Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.