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#511088 - Today at 02:58 PM My complicated life
tobefree151 Offline

Registered: 02/20/17
Posts: 3
Hello to any one reading this,

i am very glad to have joined this support network and i am grateful for all the support here.

i am currently in place were i feel all that happened to me was my fault and i deserved it at this point i am so confused i don't know what to do. this is my story

i was initially abused at the age of 6 by a neighbor while he was abusing me he would have his cousins (the same age as me) play on the bed i did not know what was happening i thought it was a game that kids play and i continued to play this game with the same boys as we have been taught and kept it a secret as well.
these games continued with at least another kid in the neighborhood then to my bad luck another teen moved to the neighborhood and he was a serial abuser (if that is a term) he abused many kids in the neighborhood my friend included and eventually got to me and after me he abused another kid the damage was so bad the kid had to be hospitalized this is when parents started to warn their kids, i remember my dad warning me against playing with this person but it was already too late but i couldn't tell him that. To this date i don't know why at that young age i decided to keep everything a secret.
The phase that followed i started acting out i became a bit feminine friends and school mates started teasing me some called me names, some showed me their privates in mockery and some went as far as touching me in a sexual sense.
i started believing everything i was hearing after all it was a confirmation that i was different from the other boys around. This time i met another person who would abuse me he was a shopkeeper in the neighborhood, with me acting out i am sure i was an easy pray one night while attending a weeding he was also present he managed to pull me from the family and i remember his exact words "today i am going to lay with you" i did not resist in fact i told him why he took that long. he had his way with me and told me not to tell any one and i agreed.
we continued with our encounters every time i went to his shop he would touch me sexually i was about eleven by then and at this point i started to enjoy what he was doing to me.
my cousin brother same age as me moved in with us and he told me a story of having sex with another boy and before time we started having sex this went on for two years at the same time the sexual encounters with the shop keeper continued.
i finally was able to put a stop to the sexual encounters with the shopkeeper but at this point i was so confused sexually i didn't know where i fit in though i put in a cover and pretended that everything was fine.
i turned to masturbating i found it the only escape from acting out my feelings at this point i believed all the men just wanted to have sex with me.
after years of compulsive masturbating i wanted to act out on my feelings so i searched for the shopkeeper again after a long talk i learned he was married with kids so after some drinks i finally asked him how he was able to leave all that life behind (this was a great desire for me to let go and move forward) but his answer was "he never found any one else like me" so he laid with me again after he was done he then said he is prepared to leave his wife for me
all this affected me a lot as a christian you can i imagine what it means to sleep with a married man this messed me up.
i continued acting out i would try to seduce any one at this point one time i went drinking with my friend he nearly passed out and when we got back to my place i tried to have sex with him (he resisted) another incidence i picked up a guy i tried touching him despite his attempts to push me away
after these incidences i decided to stop drinking and pull my life together and that road led me here but i am still so confused
i feel so guilty for all that i have done and what i allowed to be done to me
i would love to leave all this behind and move forward with my life but i can't i don't see myself as a victim i think i am the reason for all that has happened to me.

#511092 - Today at 03:12 PM Re: My complicated life [Re: tobefree151]
Tom E. Offline

Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 197
Loc: FL
welcome to MS. I'm sorry for all you've been thru. It was not your fault. You most certainly were sexually abused as a youngster.
You'll find support from us here. I suggest a therapist that deals with sexual abuse if you don't already have one. Good luck with your healing & recovery.

#511111 - Today at 03:58 PM Re: My complicated life [Re: tobefree151]
Max1969 Offline

Registered: 04/23/17
Posts: 17
Loc: Colorado
Oh Tobefree151,
You story sounds so similar to mine. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It really wasn't your fault. It's not easy but I'm sure you will find healing and hope. I just started seeing a Christian therapist and it has already helped me a lot.
Take care,
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one” C.S. Lewis

#511112 - Today at 04:10 PM Re: My complicated life [Re: tobefree151]
Chris4TheMill Offline

Registered: 05/16/17
Posts: 31
Loc: NY / NJ Area
Hi tobefree151,

I can relate to a lot of your story even though our experiences were different. Please know that because of your abuse at a very young age, you were sexualized way too early for your mind and body to handle. That was not your fault. To cope with that mind and body trauma, we can then become hyper-sexual and act out in various ways. That sounds like what happened with you and with many of us.

As Tom E. and Max mentioned, a good therapist who deals with sexual abuse would be very helpful if you don't have one already. I have also found help with various local support groups that deal with addictive behavior and sexual acting out.

Change, and understanding of yourself and what you went through are possible. It just takes some work and a lot of support. I'm sorry for what you went through. But it is good that you are reaching out. Welcome to the path toward healing.



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