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#510836 - 05/22/17 06:55 AM EFT Therapy
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 4229
Loc: VIRGINIA
The past week was quite challenging. I had to deal with someone who in the past was responsible and condoned actions of others that severely triggered flashbacks, dissociation, nightmares and memories of the abuse. Our conversations were civil until the end, and then returned to the threatening ways. It really triggered me and I am not sure why. I thought I had this part under control. This was right before two days of meetings which required more rehashing and facing the medical aspects of the abuse. I understand much of the medical aspects but some of the finer details are beyond my comprehension. I struggled through and remembering come back from dissociative fugue and being in emergency rooms, psych wards brought back fears I carry—what happened in those days I was wandering. I think the worse but will never know. Doctors say I disconnect from the conscious me and what happened could run the gamut from recreating or reliving the abuse, just wandering but trying to survive.

Friday after the meetings I was with friends. I had disconnected from the rest of the world on Wednesday--no phone or texts. I knew I was challenged and they were not going to destroy me once again because they cannot accept the abuse or their actions were abusive and they were a gang that condoned these actions and words. One of the friends is a PTSD survivor from war. He said he was going to a weekend session of alternative therapies for PTSD. He suffers greatly and has been found to be recreating the trauma from escaping to the woods and hiding in combat position waiting for the enemy, sometimes for days. It is sad, when found he can be violent, which his wife was told is an attempt to avoid capture. He has tried many therapies and medications. They lessen the symptoms for a time. He asked if I wanted to come along because Friday people noticed my depression was showing and I was going in and out which sometimes is an indication a dissociative fugue may be coming. I said yes and I must admit it was informative and helpful.

I learned EFT is Emotional Freedom Therapy. It is a therapy based on using the acupuncture meridian points, the energy points that control many of the psychological and physical aspects of the body. I learned there are 14 meridian points each effecting different emotions and parts of the body. The technique requires tapping 10 of the meridian points which taps the 14 points because of the proximity of certain points to each other. It is believed many of our issues come from disruption in the energy forces in the body.

One first must have a setup and reminder statement of what ails them so the system can focus on the issue. For me, mine was I let others reinforce the guilt and shame of the abuse by their words, tone of voice and actions that control my memories and emotions of the abuse causing dissociation and depression. I deeply accept the abuse was not my fault and I deeply love myself for myself. Then we progressed through the process of tapping and repeating our statement. It seemed too basic as we were moving along. I found myself focusing on the problem as well as the affirmative statement and I could feel the pain that I harbored toward these people’s actions. When through we had to rate the level of pain from 1 to 10. Mine was intense and I gave it an 8, others had 10’s and others 5’s. We repeated the process 5 times. It seems the number of repeats varies with a minimum of 3. I learned many who suffer dissociation use this technique to keep from going into a deepening dissociative state. There were several there who also suffered fugues and one person was missing for two months. It was comforting to know I was not alone.

Next, they moved into relaxation technique but were warned those who suffer dissociation need to be careful because the technique simulates depersonalization, a point on the dissociation spectrum. Many of experienced this as we were abused, feeling as though we were spectators of our abuse. We were brought into a relaxing state with music and were told to imagine we are sitting in a theatre watching a movie of our life, specifically the trauma. Slowly we are brought to see the trauma but being encouraged to watch it from afar and not to let our emotions play into what we are visualizing. We are told to think of what we see from the eyes of the spectator and not the victim. It was hard. Some believe this mild dissociation allows us to rewire how we think of our abuse because we are separating the emotions from the acts. It was difficult to keep the emotions out of my visuals. Many had to stop because it was overwhelming. We then met in small groups to discuss what we saw, what we felt. It was enlightened to learn others with different traumas have many of the same emotions.

We left the first day with an assignment to list the 7 most painful aspects of our trauma. Very opened ended. The next morning, we first met and did the EFT and I must admit it was easier this time round and the pain level seemed lower. The relaxation technique also seemed more manageable. The discussion of the 7 painful aspects of our trauma were helpful and similar in many instances but each seemed to have 1 or 2 unique points.

The exercises helped me to focus on the affirmative side and my need to minimize the pain of the trauma, from the trauma itself to the triggers and torment inflicted my others. I have been working on these aspects but it brought clarity.

I am learning there are many alternative options to help us heal that I never explored. It appears those with PTSD from war have a greater network of sharing information. I was thankful to attend. I did not sleep this weekend with all these thoughts running through my head. I still feel a bit down but not like late last week from the triggers and then the rehash of the abuse. To be honest, I had some of those very negative thoughts from imagining myself hanging to floating down from the top of a building. This time the thoughts scared me. I am staying clear of stressful situations and people for a few days. I now understand in the past I pushed myself back and it led to a host of problems with deepening depression and dissociation. I guess understanding strengths and weaknesses, triggers and support, depression and being ok, suicide and life are what I need to learn and accept as to risk factors.



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#510840 - 05/22/17 08:51 AM Re: EFT Therapy [Re: KMCINVA]
WG Offline


Registered: 09/09/15
Posts: 540
Loc: WA
So glad for you, Kevin. Good to know that you're getting the healing you so deserve. I don't move into the fugue/go-away-for-days piece. I could disassociate, and did, yet not to your level. Also, my abuse wasn't like yours - severe, of course (not to minimize mine), just different.
I applaud you for your work. Stay strong my friend. Heal well.

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#510857 - 05/22/17 11:33 AM Re: EFT Therapy [Re: KMCINVA]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 710
Loc: NJ
Hi
Great to hear that this has helped you. I have done it in the past but wasn't ready at the time. There are many alternative ways to get help for PTSD, anxiety, depression and many other issues. I work as a Acupucturist and heve helped many with the above issues. I probably would be on a bucket full of meds if I di use alternative ways and therapy to deal with my struggles. Thanks for posting this.
_________________________
Bluesky

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#510862 - 05/22/17 12:56 PM Re: EFT Therapy [Re: bluesky]
wreckage Offline


Registered: 05/15/17
Posts: 216
Loc: N. California
Speaking of acupuncture-can it help for arthritis? My ongoing pain is often a source of frustration and I think it is part of what pushes/enables/encourages me to act out (that and lack of sleep and hunger).

If it helps emotional issues- that's a bonus!

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#510873 - 05/22/17 06:20 PM Re: EFT Therapy [Re: KMCINVA]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 710
Loc: NJ
Hi
Yes Acupuncture can help with arthritis and other pain sindroms. The thing is when looking for a practitioner is to look for one that addresses emotional and physical issues a lot of practitioners only do pain and don't think much about what we call the spirit. Also depending on where you live you will have better options to choose.
Good luck finding someone to help you and if you like you can PM me and I would happily try to help you find someone.
_________________________
Bluesky

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#511032 - 05/24/17 05:54 PM Re: EFT Therapy [Re: KMCINVA]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 618
Kevin I give you credit for trying new things to feel better. I know you will find the right one. You have been through so much lately. I do hope the church comes through but do not count on them. They are like all those Catholics who turn on survivors. I have seen it with Dad, even though he is dead mama and her family are still at it. Mama is better and even defends Dad now and takes some of the blame--some is not much but more then she would ever take in the past. I hope you are having good thoughts and not those of floating down. It sounds good you were scared. It has to be a sign you want to keep going. Do not let anyone take you down my friend. You are too good and your family should take a look and see what they have done, continued the work of the abuser. I look at myself and I know I did it to Dad by leaving him and beating him up verbally and laughing at him. We were horrible. He made it and so can you. Screw the rest of them because trash is trash. I was trash and now I am compost, regenerating and giving to make amends for what I did to Dad. Giving back to the kids at the center has made me see value in me.

I have to look up EFT because I have periods of depression and low self esteem. Keep trying and you will find the right thing that works for you.

Paul

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#511186 - 05/27/17 07:55 AM Re: EFT Therapy [Re: KMCINVA]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 562
Loc: NY
Kevin:

One thing that has happened to me as I separate "emotions from the acts", is feeling dizzy.

For me it helps at that moment to sit and simply breathe gently until I feel better and the mind and body seem to calm themselves.

From there I feel more awareness and even a little more confidence in watching others in their stressful moments and seeing them not as my own.

With good thoughts for your well-being,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#511189 - 05/27/17 08:39 AM Re: EFT Therapy [Re: focusedbody]
Ceremony Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 3019
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By focusedbody
One thing that has happened to me as I separate "emotions from the acts", is feeling dizzy.

For me it helps at that moment to sit and simply breathe gently until I feel better and the mind and body seem to calm themselves.

....

FB


Hi FB, I needed to respond, to the "feeling dizzy". The first full on, deep EMDR session I had a few weeks ago, my physical reaction was very intense. My Prefrontal Cortex (P.C.) was being hit as if by head bangs, and I would get breathless and very light headed. I would stop to breath. My research told me the P.C. as I've had all these decades was disconnected from all these memories and I wouldn't process them until I could reconnect to that area of my brain. My T seems to approve of my physical reactions, and we stop as I need. She'll only restart if I say I'm ready. That you've written about "feeling dizzy" is really helping me feel Ok. I need that right now. Very Badly!

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#511219 - 05/28/17 09:18 AM Re: EFT Therapy [Re: KMCINVA]
sorryson Offline


Registered: 05/31/14
Posts: 618
I heard from Kevin. I have an email for him but it seems it is one he does not check on freely. He answered and I saw this morning. He just said he is in a tough spot. He was hit hard last week. Said it came out of nowhere. He felt desperate and had very bad thoughts of harming himself. He ran to friends and they have been watching him. He is just tired of the Diocese. Ups and downs and waiting to see what happens. He said they are waiting for him to die so they have nothing to do. I think he opened himself up and he is very raw. That is all he said. I wrote back and told him he is welcome here. He has not answered. I am scared for him. My Dad's wife said Dad would get like this and he tried to take his life several times. I was not there for him and damn will I ever not be there for someone else who is suffering. I learned my lesson.

I think he is on a wild ride now. The truth he told and realizing the church is in charge. He wants it over ad I worry how he will make it be over. Keep him in your thoughts and if you pray say a prayer for him. I can only imagine how he feels, a shitty family and a shitty situation with the church. Why do't survivors have more rights. The law seems to protect the abusers and that is wrong. It hurts too many survivors.

Paul

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#511328 - 05/30/17 01:35 PM Re: EFT Therapy [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 4229
Loc: VIRGINIA
I learned something very important about myself over the past 12 days. I had been crashing since the rehashing but fighting. It got me. mid week last week. My anxiety and depression overtook like it never had before. It seemed such a rapid descent. I had horrific thoughts but something made me go to those who would protect me and not talk to those who would do further harm. I could feel they were watching, I think they were fearful of what I might do or would have a fugue.

I talked extensively with my doctor friend. I learned I have accepted the abuse, but only part of the abuse. This was baffling to me. I learned I have accepted the part of the abuse that he physically did to me but have not faced or accepted the things I did to him. I had trouble understanding his words because it was all part of the abuse. He said yes and no.
In my mind I saw the physical and sexual abuse he did to me as the abuse, the rape, the touching of my body and I do not see the part where I was the active person doing things to him as his abuse.

During the rehash I was asked questions about somethings that happened and I had never gone into detail about this part of the abuse until then. I was asked very poignant questions--physical description, any telling marks, circumcised or not, size. I only remember closing my eyes each time it touched my mouth and never looked once it went in. I do remember it choked me and at the end I would have to spit out what he put into my mouth. I also remembered the time he smacked me on the head saying I was hurting him and not to bite. I was not trying to hurt him, I wanted it over. This happened several times and only now I am telling the details.

I have been crying and choking for days, just thinking about it. I am sick to my stomach. I know the doctor is right and I feel shame for what I did. I have not accepted I only did it because he made me do it. I had no idea what was going on then, I was 10 years old. So when they asked size, all I could say is big, I was a child and my mouth was small. I have vomited from the choking over the past days. The doctor says this is what I need to let out to bring internal resolution. He said I have separated the parts of the abuse, those that the abuser actively did to me and those I actively did to him. He reminds me the abuser is the one who did both actively. He made me take him.

I am just trying to get back now, but my mind wanders back to what I did. I write over and over it was not my fault but it has not sunk in, I still keep asking why did I do it. I know the answer for everyone but myself. The thought of what happened, being smacked because I was hurting him makes me sick to my stomach.

The doctor said my exhaustion, lack of sleep contributed to the rapid fall into anxiety and depression as well as dealing with people who tormented me for years to keep the abuse alive.

I keep learning each day. I pray one day I have it all out and I can accept all aspects of the abuse belong to the abuser and not me.

I so tired, the eyes keep stinging, the head bobbles, the mind wanders and I am left a shambles of a person. I still do mindfulness and am trying to keep the EFT going but it has been difficult. They work for a bit but then the memories and emotions take over.

Kevin

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