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#510829 - Yesterday at 02:05 AM bad few days possible trigger
house Offline

Registered: 04/08/17
Posts: 24
Possible TRIGGER - A few days ago my girlfriend got mad at me for standing too close to her food while she was preparing it. I was talking so she thinks I'm going to get spit in her food by accident while I talk. Anyway she got mad and stuck a knife up to my throat. Now she was trying to scare me to get me to move but I grabbed her hand so quick as a reflex and I yelled at her for doing it. Of course she said it was my fault for getting her mad. But the whole incident triggered me. It brought up memory when I was 18 when my dad who was drunk he came to my home smacked my mom around and when I would not let him get at my mom he grabbed me by the throat and was going to hit me with an axe handle until I quickly ripped it out of his hand and then broke his hand free of my throat. I called the cops but my mother would not charge him. and being that we are both co dependent we followed him home 40 minutes without him knowing it, to make sure he got home safe because he was so drunk. The next morning I woke up telling myself he was never going to hit me with the axe handle then I went into the bathroom I saw in the mirror I had a perfect red hand print on my throat.

I minimized what my girlfriend did just like I did for what my dad did. All these past feelings and what my girlfriend did triggered me into obsessing about sex with men. I know why because when things got abusive at home when I was a child 6 to 12 I went to my next door neighbors house to get a way and to hang out with my abuser who would make me feel valuable and special. But of course it always ended with sexaul abuse.

These thought are nothing new but it was my T who helped me realize and explain where they came from. With that said the thoughts and feelings are very strong after this episode with my girlfriend and I'm feeling like I just want to give into it. I found myself at the store looking at guys who looked kind and maybe I could act out these feelings with. I have no idea how I would go about getting a relationship with a guy or I have no idea what a relationship with a guy would be like I just have these thoughts in my head and next week or tomorrow they could be gone. It's not about being bi or gay because I'm straight. I just feel the need to give in to it the more hurt or triggered I get. I think sometimes maybe I need to do this so I can stop thinking about it but then I also think it would could also add to my guilt, I would be using some guy that not right either, not to mention I would never cheat on my girlfriend. So I'm depressed, confused, sexally frustrated full of anxiety. I had a few guys hit on me in various situation when I was a lot younger. But I feel ugly, skinny, short and weak now. I might delete this whole post. sorry if this triggered any one

Edited by house (Yesterday at 03:11 AM)

#510833 - Yesterday at 03:53 AM Re: bad few days possible trigger [Re: house]
Ceremony Offline

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 1285
Loc: Minnesota
I too know the sudden adrenaline of being attacked house. My wife has twice come at me with objects of danger, many decades ago. During our first year. She has also destroyed my property. She's thrown things at me and threatened to call the police when I scream at her to STFU. She'll call me horrible names all day, like yesterday, and when at the end of the day, I'm now screaming F you at her, and finally done with it.... Well 'nuf said. She'll come back a bit later and yell that I have to apologize for the FU's. My retort that my swearing is a response to her calling me names all day rebuked with a lie "no I didn't"!

She's an abuser! I put up with it for many reasons. Paramount is my son, and I have no place to go.

Let me say what I think and know about SSA same sex attraction from all the anger. That a trigger to wonder of the old 12 year old me and my compliance, total complacency to submit. I now have the rape reaction of rage on top of what triggers me about that young boy being molested. That perpetrator was just a year older, he could come, he went through puberty, neither of which had I. So, where does that place it on the scale of curiosity and molestation? I don't know for sure, but I'll be exploring that more with therapy and probably EMDR.

I don't know if that boy groomed me, saw something that sexually aroused him, or if he too were abused and acted out? What factors were in play will never be known to me. I have to figure anything out from my very good memories that the molestation occurred, but no insight as to why. I can remember that I was innocent of sex, I had not even had sex education yet. Though that changed a year later. It seems seventh grade for me will forever go down as a no good, horrible year. Eighth to Ninth also, but Seventh is when it started.

I was neglected, my mom left my dad when we 3 kids were 4,5,6. I was 5. I saw my dad hit my mom at least once. He hit me too. Then again once more when I was 16. The neglect is my focus. I can now see how much damage neglect does. I needed any reassurance, some affirmation of any kind, which lifted my self indifference to some tiny spark of hope. Maybe I mattered this time? That has been all my life? "Do I matter now?"

I see one thing changing with EMDR. I'm starting to matter to me. I'm taking that neglected boy and I'm giving him the love I never got, and that I've found all my adult life I can give. I can give if I'm given the chance. I'm really good at giving love. Though I have some difficulty accepting it. I think I will thrive in love, but when it's thwarted and diminishes like it's done with my wife, I'm lost. I've been lost like this/that for 32 years or so.

I really do think about men off and on, like you describe, and I can only recently attribute it to the molestation, and or the very good friend I had in college. That he was gay played one role on our first night meeting. Then it was put away and we were friends. We never acted, though he tried that first night. I wouldn't, I couldn't, I'm hetero, at least that's what I really believe. Though, over time and especially then, I had thoughts, and he was a very kind friend.

I have issues about physical contact, so I would not cruise for anything from either sex. I have to really get to know someone, and that's seeming a herculean act in present society. How would anyone find their way to meet and get to know anyone? I sure as hell don't know. I know there are social groups online now, something called Meetup? I don't know?

Whatever there is, I have no experiences to draw, and that's that for me, but I wanted to mention that the thoughts, they're there for me too.

#510844 - Yesterday at 09:35 AM Re: bad few days possible trigger [Re: house]
physicsfriend Offline

Registered: 04/22/17
Posts: 59
Loc: Midwestern US

I just want to say that what your girlfriend did is inexcusable. Even if she meant it as a joke, it's a very dangerous thing to do. Besides that, people often "joke" about things that they actually mean to be taken seriously, but they can get away with claiming that it was just "in jest" in order to shame and silence people who call them out on their behavior. (also, kitchen-knives are one of the primary weapons female domestic abusers use).

I don't blame you for minimizing what she did. But I do want you to know that she's not proving herself to be a safe person, and I hope you do your best to look out for yourself in this situation. I'll be thinking about you.

#510889 - Yesterday at 10:08 PM Re: bad few days possible trigger [Re: house]
house Offline

Registered: 04/08/17
Posts: 24
Thanks Ceremony for your honesty and support and physicsfriend for the support and concern too, it was much appreciated. still deciding if I want to delete this post I want to give back to the MS site but this was tough topic for me.


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