I talked about this a bit over in books
, but I want talk about frankly about sexuality.
I’ve been reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. There’s a phrase that rings so true to me:
“Victims of childhood sexual abuse may anesthetize their sexuality”
I printed it out, not that I need a fucking reminder? Oddly seeing the truth in black and white grounds me. I always felt like my privates were sprayed with novocain. I was going to blog about it, but it’s to raw. I’m so fucking angry. I feel like something got stolen from me.
When I woke up being molested I didn’t feel anything other than repulsed that he was slopping on me. I suppose like all 14 year olds I had an erection while I was asleep. But in that nanosecond of figuring out what he was doing and consciousness there was no tiny flash pleasure, just numb and repulsed.
I’ve never felt pleasure from getting oral sex. It’s like a switch is turned off. I’ve been exploring and experiencing sensation on my own. I’ve even pleasured myself. I never thought I would. I’m thinking/feeling I am ready to be with someone and allow myself to experience oral sex.
Has anyone else felt anesthetized?
If so, were you able to be with someone else?