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#510447 - 05/15/17 10:49 PM Anesthetize Sexuality ***TRIGGERS***
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 393
Loc: PA, USA
I talked about this a bit over in books , but I want talk about frankly about sexuality.

I’ve been reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. There’s a phrase that rings so true to me:
“Victims of childhood sexual abuse may anesthetize their sexuality”

I printed it out, not that I need a fucking reminder? Oddly seeing the truth in black and white grounds me. I always felt like my privates were sprayed with novocain. I was going to blog about it, but it’s to raw. I’m so fucking angry. I feel like something got stolen from me.

When I woke up being molested I didn’t feel anything other than repulsed that he was slopping on me. I suppose like all 14 year olds I had an erection while I was asleep. But in that nanosecond of figuring out what he was doing and consciousness there was no tiny flash pleasure, just numb and repulsed.

I’ve never felt pleasure from getting oral sex. It’s like a switch is turned off. I’ve been exploring and experiencing sensation on my own. I’ve even pleasured myself. I never thought I would. I’m thinking/feeling I am ready to be with someone and allow myself to experience oral sex.

Has anyone else felt anesthetized?
If so, were you able to be with someone else?
_________________________
Bri
Owning It https://owningitlog.wordpress.com

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#510461 - 05/16/17 01:41 AM Re: Anesthetize Sexuality ***TRIGGERS*** [Re: BDD]
LinEar Offline


Registered: 06/02/15
Posts: 371
Loc: USA
Hey BDD,

You're certainly not alone with this. I've experienced the same thing. I seem to go from one extreme to the other when it comes to these types of physical feelings -- either feeling nothing, or feeling so much that something that normally should be pleasurable is totally overwhelming to the point of being "painful", but doesn't feel like pain, if that makes sense.

I've been able to be with someone else, but the unpredictably and not knowing myself how I'm going to react to it in that moment, which extreme I'm going to feel, isn't exactly conducive to spontaneity or a healthy physical relationship.
_________________________
Spotlight...get me out of this spotlight.


My silence is my self-defense.

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#510483 - 05/16/17 12:08 PM Re: Anesthetize Sexuality ***TRIGGERS*** [Re: LinEar]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 393
Loc: PA, USA
Hi LinEar,

Thank you for telling me that.
I'm trying to get to a place where I can be spontaneous. I've started doing yoga to be more at ease in a room full of people. Far from intimate I know, but exposed and scary.
_________________________
Bri
Owning It https://owningitlog.wordpress.com

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#510486 - 05/16/17 12:44 PM Re: Anesthetize Sexuality ***TRIGGERS*** [Re: BDD]
LinEar Offline


Registered: 06/02/15
Posts: 371
Loc: USA
I think that's a great start. Some of the poses I've done alone really help to relax my body.
_________________________
Spotlight...get me out of this spotlight.


My silence is my self-defense.

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