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#510132 - 05/07/17 01:37 PM Trouble with myself (trigger warning)
Tryingtolive Offline

Registered: 02/15/15
Posts: 831
Gay straight or bi.
How do I get by?
The attraction I have is it mine?
Or what was set out on me?
An emotional disconnect from my father.
A brother who made his way with me.
Confusion runs through my mind.
I didn't get that type of love from my father?
I realize now that love I received never was suppose to happen.
Do my best to abandoned it.
Run from.
But also craving it like a drug.
This attraction of mine it disgust me.
Feeling like a product of my childhood.
So misunderstood.
An Identity I can't take on.
It sickens me.
Just wanting love.
But the acts never were suppose to happen.
Craving those acts from a father figure I can look up to.

The father that was there.
But didn't know what taken place.
No way could he care.
Protect me.
From the confusion in the house hold.
Just wanting love now.
But the acts they torment me.
It's a sudden rush for me.
After they disgust me.
I want to eliminate the abuse
But also re create it
I'm sick

#510139 - 05/07/17 06:18 PM Re: Trouble with myself (trigger warning) [Re: Tryingtolive]
BDD Offline

Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 778
Loc: PA, USA
Dear Tryingtolive,

Those are huge questions that bring up a lot for me. Not identity, I was always attracted to guys. Because of depression, shock treatment and medication, my father was distant. As a kid, I only knew he didn't love me. I thought he hated me. It was a huge hole that my sexuality tried to fill. The hunger never went away.

Ugh writing this, I realized I won't let anyone near it. Not my platonic husband, ha our relationship was designed to keep me safe. My closest male friends are straight, we're close, but I know I'm needy and stand back. I've ignored it for so long. It hurts to fucking much. Sorry I derailed your post.

Before I got bummed out I wanted to say to you:
You are not sick. They infused you with so much poison you can't see yourself, but you are not sick.

PS. Whenever I see your name I read "Tryingtolove"

My avatar is the boy who was kidnapped.
He is the boy who escaped.

Owning It

#510144 - 05/07/17 10:38 PM Re: Trouble with myself (trigger warning) [Re: Tryingtolive]
Tom E. Offline

Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 641
Loc: FL
I get this.. yes..exactly


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