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#508224 - Today at 07:14 PM In A Difficult Place
Michael1965 Offline

Registered: 02/09/15
Posts: 101
Loc: USA, Indiana
My world at this point seems to be falling apart on me. I have been switching and upping the dose on antidepressants for 10 months now and I have had zero improvement. The only med that seems to be working is the same med I was on when I began with my shrink. I was consistently on 3 antidepressants all of this time with no success. Giving false hope to someone who has no hope is cruel. The side effects and health issues that all of them have brought on were not worth it. I called my shrink and told them that I was discontinuing all of the meds except the original that when I came in on. He agreed to stopping the others. I have an appointment on Monday with him to discuss where I go from here. I am not certain that I will continue with the shrink because the med that works is the med that my family doctor put me on and he can write the prescribe it. I have genetic depression. I did the genetic testing and that is when it was discovered. That means the the depression I have may very well be treatment resistant. That means that this may be as good as it gets for me.

My wife is really struggling with me and my depression. She told me that she thought by now I would be doing better. I know that she wants the best for me but the pressure is not good for me. I feel that i cant find the words to describe what life is like for me in my head. The PTSD is still so intense and crippling. I know that I fail her in so many areas of her life. Its not that I don't want to get better, it's just the fact that I can't get over the hump on any of it.

I struggle with believing or trusting anything that anyone says to me. Everyone tells me that the things my abuser and my domineering father said about and to me were all lies. Everything that people say to me appear to be in direct contradiction with the things that I was told when I was growing up and into adult life. The things that they told me were lies that others were telling me. So I don't know what is the truth and what isn't. The way my brain deals with all of the confusion is that it shuts down until I can come back to a normal place. I can't believe anything. It's all contradictions of each other. I faithfully go to my T every week and try to talk about of this mess but seem to continue to sink.

I feel like my head is going to explode. There is no truth in anything. I am whoever the situation dictates that I be. I manage to function and keep working.

I just am so lost. I feel that there is no hope for me. I fail everyone who is important to me. I am nothing but a burden and liability and have no clue where to go from here. God, I hate my life.

#508226 - Today at 07:40 PM Re: In A Difficult Place [Re: Michael1965]
Ceremony Offline

Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 917
Loc: Minnesota
Michael1965, you're understood. A condition like that can only be expected to be managed. There's hope in sharing that burden. I know for decades I found no hope to share any of the hopelessness burden. It seemed to much, too overwhelming to share any burden. What place, whom, where, when, there just wasn't anywhere. And for me, my wife has been the problem. I'm glad to hear your wife has had a goal to work with you. That's a really big deal in my book. The goal of being loved, which is a huge deal to me, seems to be shared by many of us. It's hard, so very, very hard.

Know you can share your burden across the many caring shoulders here on MS. So many who will listen. It's almost overwhelming to consider that miracle... see? It makes me cry in a sort of awe and pain of how can such a place exist, that can have people who care? How? And yet, here they are.

#508228 - Today at 08:48 PM Re: In A Difficult Place [Re: Michael1965]
greenwizard Offline

Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 156
Loc: PA
I don't know if this helps, but I totally get where you are coming from. My issues are bi-polar and anxiety. I do get depressed for a few days here and there, but that goes away after a few days usually.

The problem is I am constantly fighting my own brain. Medications help manage, but they do not fix. I have been told by a few, including my T, that I am going to have to put a lot of work into managing things.

But like, a lot of things affect me. I can't watch gory horror films, which my girlfriend loves. I pretty much have to be in control of the TV or I get upset. That caused a fight bright and early this morning which just soured both our moods the rest of the day. I am high maintenance and I know it. My girlfriend has to put up with a lot of shit, and she does because she loves me. Although, she does encourage me to work on things.

I understand having trouble on what to believe too. It wasn't my mom who said anything, and my dad could be harsh at times but he died when I was 10. Still, I had a hard time as a kid. I was the school freak. When I tried to start dating I got told quite a few times I was ugly. I came to believe the bad stuff, and any time anyone says anything nice I feel like they are just being nice and the compliment isn't true.

My T told me to do something, which I don't know if this would help you. He said to go around to friends and family and ask what they honestly think of me, even if it's negative. I had one dickhead now ex friend verbally take a go at me, but like everyone else had mostly good things to say. I think the idea was to get multiple compliments from multiple people. One person can be lying, but 10 can't if that makes any sense. I think it actually helped me.


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