First, it will be Ok. There is awareness in your writing that is relatable to a lot of the posts around here, and to myself. I've mentioned so on a few occasions, and this post is clear to me.
So much of the feelings confusion, the depression that I've felt is directly relatable to "I just want to feel loved". But, when I do get that affirmation from the family I grew up with I am overwhelmed. If I get it from someone who is trying to be nice to me I feel guilt that I didn't really earn it, and the one I crave it from (my wife) refuses to express it.
My 2 kids express it pretty well, and that's good. But a relationship, now that's what I thought I was going for over 32 years ago. And, I had hoped would be a lifetime companion and intimate partner. Even if that intimacy were going to be snuggles. But, I have a long way to go toward achieving that, if ever. Not that I won't seek it, and I do want it and would do it, I don't have that kind of partner.
So, it has the effect of pushing me into myself, and I've felt needy and compelled to seek connections. I'm blessed to see MS as part of that. This big group of caring men, who have so much need, but as much to give. I'm seeing the take care of myself, and I can be there for others at play. There's goodness in finding the balance of being a listener, and helping myself. I enjoy connecting as a listener, and I like being listened to. I noticed how it takes time for that to occur, and in a place like MS, with the screen and word choices as our connection, being genuine with our truths can get complicated.
I know the bullying I barely endured, meaning it's been a lifetime effect and the sexual trauma, I've had a very rough go at trying to deal with my mental state. And your list of emotions and physical reactions makes sense. I've thought of all the baggage I bring, and how needy I've always been, the anxiety I barely hid. I knew some saw it, the confusion I might display, or if I hesitated to act. The avoidance of things. Drinking and pot to escape feeling at all. Then, even with almost 17 yrs of sobriety, it brings the sexual trauma up in me after 39 years of suppressing it. So, damn, can't a guy get a break?!!!
It's been why I am so motivated. But, aware of the sense that taking things carefully is recommended. That slow and steady parable, about winning by taking all the steps, avoid the sidetracks. In this case burnout or something like it. I get that, this is emotional work. I know that the 17 years of sobriety and many years of other work have led me to have some ability to manage the feelings. I can grasp the tools quickly and know I have to practice grounding and mindfulness. I'm not doing mindfulness yet, but I know how to get grounded. And it works.
So, the depth of struggle to deal with that love pain, the horrible emotional strain that makes me cry very easily, is definitely tied to the trauma. It's tied to it because it's disconnected me from dealing with the emotions like I think I can. I'm torn up instead of talking it over. Though here on MS, I've had the miracle of writing it out without too much fear. That this place gets me makes that possible. Also, I have spent decades writing online, and I know the sobriety has cleared my mind to process words that I need to communicate. I have a memory problem, but online I can google a feeling and thesaurus helps me out.
I get that not wanting to be right with people. The I'm alone in a crowd thing has been my way. I could talk to a stranger, like at an event, vendors or whatever, but to have found friends and make arrangements to go together? That's foreign to me in many ways. There have been some years that were not the case, but I get how this happens, this loneliness, and not having any friends. I don't know much how to be a good friend, or maybe it's loss of practice? I don't know, I'm caught without friends, that's all I know. And those people whom I know and could reach out, I'm just afraid. I'm a burden, needy, why would I do that to them, or they care about me?
So, I think all this is complicated, and needs a lot of tools and work to get to the work I've posted around MS. I'm going to do the work, and if it makes the difference I really want, the miracle will be very interesting. I hope that doesn't sound cold "very interesting", I know that seems analytical, but I'm not sure what to expect, and being surprised that I might actually see this beginning of healing and get into healing?? I don't know much about what to say about that yet.
Ttl, that post is relatable. Please consider what I've posted.