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#512041 - 06/15/17 01:42 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
WG Offline


Registered: 09/10/15
Posts: 414
Loc: WA
HH - I wanted to add that this also deals with what are called 'neuro pathways' meaning that we all have patterns of behavior. Mostly learned at an early age - be they coping mechanisms, way of speaking, acting, social graces,or actions we do when no one else is watching (like cooking, entertainment, time alone, hobbies,etc.) all come from these neuro pathways. Some remain, others are used until they are no long necessary then others take their place. Some, like what we have just discussed, are very present and can be useful when used correctly (needing to escape a bad situation, preparing a meal for example). However, some can be repeated until they become so ingrained that they cannot be changed except with professional help. That's what I was needing. And, yes, indeed, they do - as you said - 'tug so hard backwards'!

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#512094 - 06/16/17 06:30 AM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: Can_I_Do_This]
L84 Offline


Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 35
Loc: USA
CIDT,

Sounds like you've come a long way.
Getting healthier and healthier. Sorry you had to endure
so much.

About personality types being (subconsciously, I think) that we are attracted to... It may be part of the
factor that we feel that's whst we deserve, but there is
also a phenomenon of we like what is familiar (even thought is is so chaotic and hurtful), because we're used to it and comfortable with the familiar.

One of the things that seemed to happen to me was FOO abuse
and the "required pretending" to those outside the family
was the consequence of: My radar/discernment was switched off. So even when I got away from the environment I was unable to spot abusers by being forced to "don't tell anyone"
"look happy, so no one knows".

This radar (of discerning good people from bad) being switched off, led to even more horrible abuse from strangers in my adolescence.

So thankful to have grown more.
That was so good for you to get out of the toxic relationship with a narcissist.

Thank you for sharing. Definitely "rings a few bells? that sound familiar.

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#512114 - 06/16/17 04:52 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: L84]
Can_I_Do_This Offline


Registered: 05/17/17
Posts: 145
Loc: California
Hi L84,

Thanks for the exceptionally kind words of support, I appreciate the validation immensely.

Originally Posted By L84
we like what is familiar (even thought is is so chaotic and hurtful), because we're used to it and comfortable with the familiar.


Two years before I regained control of my life and left the narcissistic ex, I was pounding in fence posts in the backyard. Ex, typically sloppy drunk, screeches at me, "Come on big boy, hit it! You can do it, big boy! Come on, big boy, HIT IT."

And that, my friend, was my "aha!" moment. Thru my tears, pounding that fucking fence post right into the ground, I asked myself, "why does this relationship remind me of my childhood?"

The answer is, as you said, because it's familiar. It's what we're used to. It's comfortable territory despite the chaos and confusion.

What the abusers find threatening is when we wake up and make changes. They have no clue how strong we are, how far we're willing to go to put a stop to the abuse. Even if it means having them jailed.
_________________________
My Truth Outweighs Your Disorder

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#512130 - 06/16/17 06:58 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 452
Here's one thing about people who survived CSA: We typically have extremely irregular boundaries. By that I mean we might be, at least before we get therapy, able to just have sex with anybody at pretty much any time. Is it "intimate" sex? Well, sure... physically. But it's probably not emotionally intimate. We might be able to be emotionally intimate with people... to a certain extent... but there will be a spot at our core where it's just us, because we are MORTALLY TERRIFIED of exposing that core, because that's where the identity lives that suffered abuse and shame and horror as a child.

For me, I accidentally disclosed my abuse because I had cheated on my wife but didn't know why, and I had to save my marriage. I say it was an accident, because at that time I didn't even DEFINE what had happened to me as sexual abuse. I had those memories, but I refused to look at them. I refused to define them. They just existed behind a curtain in my mind. It was only when my marriage was more important than my fear that I finally blurted out the first words about what had happened when I was a kid, and I still can't share everything with my wife. I still can't share everything with my therapists. I can't do it. It's too much.

You can't make someone open up. And them telling you about the abuse, or portions of it, isn't the same as them being emotionally honest about painful things NOW.

We are all... each of us... experts at hiding in plain sight. We know what to tell someone to give a credible account of our abuse. We know how much we can keep hidden. We know the effect of telling our story on people, and we're not above telling pieces of our story to manipulate caring people into giving us what we want or need. I'm not saying your partner does that or did it, but we're experts on it. Trust me on this one.

Personally, I think recovery is a long and terrible road, one that I don't talk about with my wife, because I don't want her to get hopeful or something, because I'll then try to fit into what I think she wants to hear. It's a hard thing, being so attuned to what others want. I just want some damn peace for myself. I want to be OK with myself, which is hard as hell. I couldn't stand it if someone else depended on me being "better" or "healthier."

It's an ugly thing to have a rape way back in your memory, or a half dozen of them. In some ways, life goes on, but not really. In other ways, it's just there, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

Good luck. I wish you the very best. You seem like a really good person.

Bob

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#512170 - 06/17/17 06:17 AM deleted [Re: HealingHope]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 280

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#512177 - 06/17/17 12:50 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2670
Loc: durham, north england
@hh, one thing I will say about Robert's post, is that there is a difference. Sometimes affects of abuse are not always clear to us either, I am just starting to realize that I have a fear of crowds and of strangers that tends to keep me isolated simply because it's easier than trying with people. This is not something I've really dealt with before simply because I was too taken up with my genophobia and everything else I was dealing with and because dealing with my genophobia and my need for love was in it's odd way easier, mostly because it's fairly easy to deal with a need for love when you hav someone who loves you, less easy to deal with feeling ot disconnection from most of the human race when the human race doesn't really care about your existence anyway.

I confess I don't really have an answer here, but I can say that for me at least I would be lost without my lady.

I had two nightmares last night both of them vague, and both of them horribly connected.
In one, I was contemplating a detention just as I was as a teenager and imagining what might go on.
Yet the frightening thing was I knew I was dreaming, new I was a 34 year old man not a 14 year old boy, new that I could! change the track if I wanted.

So I changed the track, I was suddenly in Greece having holiday with my wife, but something was wrong. Everything was confused and muzzy, I went swimming while my wife went back to our room, I just pushed off the sands at the bottom of the sea and struggled back to the surface, then I couldn't find our room.
then when I got back my wife was missing and I tried frantically to phone her mobile to find she'd been taken, that someone kidnapped her and she might be hurt. needless to say I literally panicked, woke up in absolute terror and was so relieved to reach out and find her beside me.

What does this show? I don't know, probably that I'm still in a mess but at least I'm in a mess with my wife rather than being in a mess totoally alone as I have been for a while.
I just hate her having to deal with this too.

Sorry I probably ought not to have come on ms this morning, but before I talk myself out of posting this I'll post it.

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#512178 - 06/17/17 01:05 PM deleted [Re: HealingHope]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 280

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#512190 - 06/17/17 06:31 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2670
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks Hh, one of the problems with having all these sa memories and a capacity to into old patterns is that comparatively mundane things can be difficult.

I suspect that my lady and I just have a touch of a summer cold, as usual it hits unfortunate spots.

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#512191 - 06/17/17 07:08 PM deleted [Re: HealingHope]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 280

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#512192 - 06/17/17 07:37 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
Can_I_Do_This Offline


Registered: 05/17/17
Posts: 145
Loc: California
HealingHope,

What you are doing for your love is admirable, but I see you sometimes wonder if it's going to be worth it, maybe it's time to let go, etc.

I'm just cautioning you about getting into a co-dependent relationship where it's more about obligation rather than desire.

The simple truth is you didn't break him, and you are not responsible for fixing him if it leads you to discomfort, pain and doubt. Truthfully, any and all healing is going to have come from him directly, all you can be expected is to offer support, such as you've been doing.

I hope things work out but seeing a little doubt coming from you, I urge you to put your desires and wishes first.


Edited by Can_I_Do_This (06/17/17 07:37 PM)
_________________________
My Truth Outweighs Your Disorder

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