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#510416 - 05/15/17 12:39 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
WG Offline


Registered: 09/10/15
Posts: 414
Loc: WA
hh - Your man has a lot to walk through, and as Luke stated, it goes far deeper than anyone can imagine. It plays havoc with everything. As was said above, someone becomes an acquiantance then a bit closer as a friend - and you wonder the entire time what they want from you - or what you will be told to do to remain their 'friend' because 'you're special'. It's the sickness of what was done that colors everything - job performance, reading the cooking instructions on a soup can - and going over it again and again to be certain you didn't get it wrong because if you did then its just one more thing that's not right about you, missing an appointment, spilling the milk, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, not understanding directions to do something but you act like you do because to admit to that person you don't get it once again just confirms what everyone else knows about you that you are incapable of learning anything. On and on the tangled mess goes. With little or no assistance to get out of it and you're made fun of if you make any attempt to move forward. Sex terrorizes us on every level - since it was the very weapon used against us. That's where Shadow comes in for me - I became him to disassociate. Mine wasn't named Shadow, but that name will do for now. All too real. I'm learning through therapy that I can say good-bye to him. It'll take time, but it is certainly an option for me now.

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#510425 - 05/15/17 04:52 PM deleted [Re: HealingHope]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 280

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#510436 - 05/15/17 07:40 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2670
Loc: durham, north england
@Wg, you describe the pervasive problem of the thing I call Shadow very well.
I remember on one occasion in 2014 I found myself not able to get siri to launch an ap on my IPhone, raging at siri, then at myself,, then finished crying and just this sense of how pathetic I was for not being able to operate a simple phone program then crying about it.

@hh, problem for me at least with Shadow, and indeed something that creates problems with my lady is when circumstances tend to reinforce beliefs and I am left with nothing to do but impotently rage at them.

For example one of the most useful things my councillor said is when said I felt I could! heal if an actual community of support from someone who valued what I do and what I am as opposed to the world I get stuck in which destroyed it, he simply said "yes"
Indeed one problem still have that I find myself far angrier at the inanimate, pervasive way the world works than I am ever am at any one person, my abusers included.

Then again since my abuse did! feel basically like the environment, the culture, the entire experience was against me I do understand where this belief came from, it is even justified by the fact that heck we do! live in a world where most people have little importance or impact on those around them and where culture tries to crush individuals down into statistics, all accept the favoured few who won the genetic or social lottery and have been rewarded with some sort of vaguely worth while status. However not becoming ugly at the intrinsic and generalized crappiness of the human race in general is something I do struggle with.

I don't know where your so is, but it is entirely possible he feels this level of alienation from everything and everyone around him.
This is one reason the fact that my lady loves me and that I know it is so wonderful, it's an absolute impossibility.

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#510542 - 05/17/17 01:24 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
md4e Offline


Registered: 02/01/14
Posts: 75
My spouse disclosed over 20yrs ago when his sister asked if he was abused, she had suppressed her abuse and was seeking validation. She says it saved her life. As for me....it answered a lot questions. My counselor said it helped in that I understand some of his behavior, I see that it is unresolved trauma, not that he is an a**.
But the reason I'm sad is i see that he responds to me as an enemy not an ally. Because I know the secret, the secret that he still wants not to be spoken/processed. To stay halfway engaged and totally disengaged if something comes into our life for him to have to think about .....no thinking because then you feel...so disassociate.
All this gets so overwhelming at this point in my life. I was in the position of needing a sense of safety, wanting...really wanting him to talk to me, share, be vulnerable. So I could feel safe.
I wanted to get that feeling I was worth it, worth being uncomfortable for, worth doing the dirty work, to have some ease and not feel like a parent 24-7. Because when he dissociates he acts from that scared little boy...needing isolation. Not a reliable situation.
I'm just coming to the painful realization that it's just been me that has wanted the healing, me doing the work.
I love this man so much, we have a great family, a great home, financially sound. But the ache for a intimate partner that doesn't see me as an intruder, abuser....I sense at those times he's just waiting for me to be done and go so he can be alone. And when I felt the world get shaky under me and had assumed...?????
It seems like the times he does read on this topic is after I've explained for the 100th time why I'm sad, why I've rearranged my priorities. He doesn't have to guess like I do.
I'm sorry if I've strayed off topic. But the reason for his disclosure was out of love, and not easy. At my sad times I ask...what about me. Then feel guilty and selfish. Now I say no to that! I AM WORTH IT. Pain is still there but I know.
Peace for us all
D

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#510544 - 05/17/17 01:36 PM Deleted [Re: md4e]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 280

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#510550 - 05/17/17 01:59 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
md4e Offline


Registered: 02/01/14
Posts: 75
Thanks HH,
I've had that book for awhile, in fact I was looking at it just yesterday....shared it with him. He reads some, comments.
Then the. ......crumbling.
I have worked so hard at understanding this, read tons of books, countless sessions etc. I know in my heart it's not my fault things are so difficult at times, hard to be a partnership of one.
I guess I see where I have been a partner to his sister all these years in all her healing, so I know what inclusion feels like.
My counselor once said..."just because you understand/know doesn't mean the hurt goes away"
Where I'm at really. So now what...remind myself every day of all things I'm grateful for. And important...it sucks and harder doing it alone on days you'd like help. And somethings you want to share with a spouse, not others....really hard to do feeling alone in it.
HH I'm glad this forum is here for us

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#510552 - 05/17/17 02:11 PM Deleted [Re: HealingHope]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 280

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#510554 - 05/17/17 02:29 PM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
md4e Offline


Registered: 02/01/14
Posts: 75
No....we are the topic :-)
I'm hoping he's safe also!
The pain abuse leaves in its wake.....wow
If only they could see that together shared it is lessened
If only.......

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#510555 - 05/17/17 02:37 PM deleted [Re: HealingHope]
HealingHope Offline


Registered: 08/24/15
Posts: 280

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#510607 - 05/18/17 01:52 AM Re: What was your tipping point to disclose? [Re: HealingHope]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2670
Loc: durham, north england
One thing I will remind hh, md and any other ladies reading this topic is that yes it can! work.
Easy? no, painful? yes, but there is actually a point where things get better.

My lady sometimes recalls the fact that when we met I had to ask her to put a coat over her sleeveless dress so that could give her a hug, and in turn when I recall how taking a girl's hand in 2007 was an absolute form of torture that left me probably more broken than any time in my life,n quite aside from all the crap after that.

I don't say this to be arrogant or to make light of my own faults, I'm quite aware that am far from perfect. I can become ugly over the state of the world, I apologise too much, I often feel apathetic at the thought of trying something new which involves being evaluated or accepted by others, indeed I have a decidedly jaundiced view humanity as a collective generally and any group of people I must interact with in particular, a problem whichmakes it extremely difficult for me to find any sort of vocational or social opportunities at all, indeed frequently I can't even be bothered to try and would rather sit with my books, my music, my writing and my computer games instead.

I still! tend to panic if I feel vulnerable in a public place, have a pathological hatred of asking for help from strangers (a hatred which often results in a tendency to be curt, if not down right rude), heck I still hate the smell of cigarettes.

As I've said I have no idea why! the hell my lady loves me much less puts up with me. she sees a lot of things about me that I do not, things that I can't even reiterate here since to mention them feels too close to being self important.

It makes absolutely no sense, it is almost ludicrous, yet I can say because! my lady loves me, everything has changed, and my god, when I consider where I was even two years ago it is like living on a different planet.

So yes, it can! get better.

Luke.

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