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#506789 - 02/21/17 02:51 AM Sometimes I feel...
Tom E. Offline


Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 74
Loc: FL
Sometimes I feel that I don't want to be gay, I want a wife & family,
all that. I wonder how I would have turned out if I hadn't been exposed to gay sex at such a young age... maybe more bisexual or something.. I'm a "bottom" mostly in gay sex with my partner..
sometimes I wish I could have sex with women again..
guess I'll have to talk it through in therapy some more
Peace, Tom E

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#506828 - 02/21/17 04:04 PM Re: Sometimes I feel... [Re: Tom E.]
Chase Eric Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2516
We may have similar stories, Tom. By the time I was molested at 12, I may have been bisexual, possibly even gay. But I never had an opportunity to explore that on my own terms - my sexuality was explored on HIS terms. When he was done with me some years later (I actually moved), I was left to deal with the confusion - as if I was suddenly free to calculate my own character in an equation that no longer had him as a constant. Without him occupying me - who was I? The adult perspectives came much later when my eyes gradually opened to the depth of the damage he did. Childhood offers no do-overs. Once it's gone, you are simply who you are. No-one has yet thought his way out of that conundrum.

Another way of looking at it is that many of us are like Bonsai trees - clipped, pruned and shaped to please those with the shears. When they are done with us, we are left with one simple truth. Who we are is who we had to be. It is easy to get lost in the "what ifs," and it's too easy to waste a life chasing those illusions to the grave.

I sense more regret than plan in your post, Tom. But remember that - like the Bonsai tree - you grew and thrived along the lines of survival. Who we are attests to what we had to grow around. So perhaps in mourning who you did not become, you are not seeing the greater truth of who you did become. From the few words you shared in your post, I can tell this much: you are someone who survived, who lives and who loves.

I hope you don't torture yourself with regrets. I hope you come to embrace and respect who you had to become in this life. Owning who you are is the last and most difficult step to evicting your abuser once and for all. Until you do that, your self-reproach is really just him still running around your head and making you feel awful.
_________________________
..



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#506898 - 02/22/17 06:14 PM Re: Sometimes I feel... [Re: Chase Eric]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 397
There are guys I know who haven't been abused who sometimes wish they weren't gay. They usually say they're not ashamed about it and don't hate themselves, but if they could choose then being gay isn't what they'd have chosen for themselves. I think it's understandable because why would you want to be something that so many people hate? Why make life harder for yourself? I think most people just grow up assuming that they'll have a wife and kids some day. It seems like that's what's expected of you. That's what I thought would happen to me. But obviously I was wrong.

Originally Posted By Chase Eric
I hope you don't torture yourself with regrets. I hope you come to embrace and respect who you had to become in this life. Owning who you are is the last and most difficult step to evicting your abuser once and for all. Until you do that, your self-reproach is really just him still running around your head and making you feel awful.

I very much agree with this. Who knows who we would be if what happened to us hadn't happened. Sometimes I still wish that I was straight. But I can't change the past or what's happened to me because of it. Who knows if this is the real me or if they changed me into someone else. I try not to spend too much time thinking about it and just get on with what I've got. I hope talking about it in therapy helps.

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#506965 - 02/24/17 09:07 AM Re: Sometimes I feel... [Re: Tom E.]
30something Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/15
Posts: 136
Loc: Southeast
I can't add anything to the wise words of ^ these two ^ other than in my own therapy I realized it doesn't matter HOW I got here (my sexuality/sexual identity) but that I'm here now... so what's next? The difference is, in the first perspective I didn't have control. From the second perspective I do.

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#507109 - 02/27/17 09:53 AM Re: Sometimes I feel... [Re: Tom E.]
MojaveMike Offline


Registered: 02/07/17
Posts: 26
Loc: New Mexico USA
"What if...." A thought that can drive any survivor crazy. What would life have been like if......We'll never know.
_________________________
Be Safe!

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#507117 - 02/27/17 12:53 PM Re: Sometimes I feel... [Re: MojaveMike]
greenwizard Online   content


Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 148
Loc: PA
Originally Posted By MojaveMike
"What if...." A thought that can drive any survivor crazy. What would life have been like if......We'll never know.


This exactly. Until time machines are invented and we can change the past, we must deal with what is.

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#507142 - 02/28/17 01:16 AM Re: Sometimes I feel... [Re: Chase Eric]
Tom E. Offline


Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 74
Loc: FL
You are right, I'm stuck in regrets. I'm trying to get thru to other side with therapy. I've been stuck an awful long time, tormenting myself. I'm mentally sick with this OCD about it. I feel like my very soul has been corrupted sometimes... I pray this will change.
-- Tom E

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#507143 - 02/28/17 01:18 AM Re: Sometimes I feel... [Re: txb]
Tom E. Offline


Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 74
Loc: FL
Yes I do hope I can clear my mind of all the negative self-talk
-- Tom E

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#507182 - 02/28/17 09:05 PM Re: Sometimes I feel... [Re: Tom E.]
greenwizard Online   content


Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 148
Loc: PA
I hope you can as well. I still sometimes mentally beat the crap out of myself. It's hard, but I think when we get to that other side it will be well worth it.

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#507903 - 03/21/17 01:38 AM Re: Sometimes I feel... [Re: Tom E.]
Tom E. Offline


Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 74
Loc: FL
I wonder why, after abuse, bullying, as a kid, & then being raped as an adult & taken advantage of... why would I still let men screw me... like that's all I'm good for, that's my lot in life
--- Tom E

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