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#506673 - 02/18/17 07:57 PM Husband's insecurities
Nalh78 Offline


Registered: 02/17/17
Posts: 3
Need advise, my husband recently opened up to me about the extent of his abuse. This has caused him to have many trigger days. We have been together 24 years. We started dating when I was 15 and he was 18. Apparentlytold him when I first saw it that I wished it was bigger, I don't remember this but he does. This has become a trigger for him. We have been happily married for 22 years and have a great sex life. What I'm having trouble with is that it almost seems like on these days that he is trying to sabotage what we have. I have told him before during sex how big he is but he doesn't remember it and says I'm lying. I am underlying happy with his size but don't know how to reaffirm him. I love him so very much and I am 100% supporting him in his journey but I'm lost on what to do.

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#506674 - 02/18/17 07:57 PM Re: Husband's insecurities [Re: Nalh78]
Nalh78 Offline


Registered: 02/17/17
Posts: 3
Nalh78

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#506677 - 02/18/17 08:39 PM Re: Husband's insecurities [Re: Nalh78]
Ceremony Offline


Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 780
Loc: Minnesota
There are probably many men here and perhaps some women in this forum who can discuss this topic. That's to note, I think this topic is more prevalent than I thought? I'm among the large frame men, who were very skinny and too effeminate to be one of the guys in gym. I was tortured by bullies who called out how dickless I was, and what a fag! Prepuberty, puberty and for me post has been a mental state of siege. I was horrified by my body, and it stuck.

To this day, it's one of my number one fears. I think a man's frame and that perception of size gets really messed up. I know I am not of the endowed class, but that shouldn't have mattered. I freaked out about girls, whom I wished could see me, be someone to talk to me, maybe like me. It was horrible. After the 2 years of 7-8th grade, where most guys went through puberty, I repeated 8th at a new school. I tried to endure another school for 9th. By 10th it seemed gym class didn't require open showering. But that didn't last. The start of 11th I quit, because, again a new school, this one required open showers. I was done with school. Done with bullies, just done.

So, I ask, do you really know him? Has he really let you know? I eventually got to date my wife. I was 21, she 20. Eventually we got into sex, and it turned out she was satisfied?! I could not believe it! I asked her when we made out, are you sure you want me? She replied that she did?! I just couldn't understand?! I still have some shy shame, but she's never been turned off, until I added a lot of weight like right now. It's really sad. So, anyway, I want you to open your heart to the possibility that you're not the only one. Maybe he's projecting something that's been a voice in his head all these decades? Like me?

Torment is all over this forum. I read so much need and my heart aches for the pain of it. I want to reach out, to hug, to let others know their pain isn't unique. It seems, the more I read, eventually I have some identifier in my life. I have begun to wonder how that could be? But, my over active mind has to let some stuff go, so that's one. I'm just going to keep moving forward. Just keep seeing some good here, maybe a bit there. Some day, some day, I can stop the tears.

It'll get better Nalh78. A loving partner like you. Caring to try. Here you are. Trying! Oh, my... tears.

Best wishes and it's so very good to see your hope and strength. Keep going!

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#506685 - 02/18/17 11:44 PM Re: Husband's insecurities [Re: Nalh78]
greenwizard Offline


Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 66
Loc: PA
The best advice I can give is to keep being as supportive as you can. Masculinity, and size and everything, it makes my head spin. Unlike Ceremony, I was lucky enough to go to a school that never required showers after gym class. The showers were there, but I don't recall anyone ever using them except me when some stuck up popular bitch put blue lip gloss in my hair. Long story short, when you get blue lip gloss in your hair the only way to get it out is have a female friend whose mom has a cosmetology license that can get hair stripper at a beauty supply store.

But embarrassing high school stories aside, if you did say you wished it was bigger when you first saw him, you may not remember because maybe it was just a passing thought that didn't mean much to you? Thing is, say that to a guy, we tend to never forget it. I still vividly remember my experience with my first girlfriend. At the time I thought I was so lucky for her giving me the time of day. I'm not the masculine jock that gets the girls. In hindsight I know she was a just a bitch that was using me because she could, but when I first took my clothes off in front of her and she sneered... That was a massive ego hit.

It took time and love to get over that. My current girlfriend, the wonderful woman that she is, took the time to make it clear that when we are intimate, it is an expression of love. Size is never mentioned because it doesn't matter. She is just happy to be with me.

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#506712 - 02/19/17 03:45 PM Re: Husband's insecurities [Re: Nalh78]
Nalh78 Offline


Registered: 02/17/17
Posts: 3
Thank you for your comments. When I was younger (13) my adopted cousin made me touch his junk and rub it, I didn't finish but it felt bigger to me. My husband asked me whose was bigger his or my cousin's and going back to when I was 13 I told him my cousins was, not even thinking about using today's time to compare, which I didn't want to do at all. This has hurt him so bad and I just can't seem to fix it. I love the intimacy that me and my husband have I think he is the best thing since sliced bread, cheesy, but I do. I can't see myself with anyone else. When he has these periods it's like it's the end all for him and this one is lingering. The episodes are further in between one another but this is so straining on the hope that it will go back to the way our marriage was before, happy and strong. Thanks again for replying. Ceremony my husband's story is much like your own I was his first as well.

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#506713 - 02/19/17 03:57 PM Re: Husband's insecurities [Re: Nalh78]
Ceremony Offline


Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 780
Loc: Minnesota
Nalh78, I wish to suggest something that's helped me. I have googled "Does penis size matter". Women who have made YouTube videos stating what they think has made me feel better than almost anything. In fact, to me, the reason I'm now posting about this is 3 fold. I've started sharing about it, I had a T session about it, and those videos.

There are many and I suggest you prescreen. If somehow the topic can be raised with him tactfully, or you perhaps you share the YouTube history and he might just stumble across what you've already prescreened, then I think it would be of some assistance. It's not an I told you so moment, it's actually enlightening. To me, it's calmed my fears more than I knew. Because, here I am explaining what help those videos have been for me. I've watched most of them in the past few months.

I hope that helps?

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#506718 - 02/19/17 04:31 PM Re: Husband's insecurities [Re: Nalh78]
greenwizard Offline


Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 66
Loc: PA
What Ceremony suggested may help. Maybe Google articles on body issues. I know there are a ton of articles for women on the subject, but uh, men have body issues too. I know I did, and still do to an extent. I am short, and my girlfriend is an inch or so taller than me.

I am glad your husband has you, who seems to love him so very much. Does he maybe have a therapist he can bring this up with?

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#506760 - 02/20/17 02:54 PM Re: Husband's insecurities [Re: Nalh78]
greenwizard Offline


Registered: 02/11/17
Posts: 66
Loc: PA
Wanted to add that I went and looked up 'Does penis size matter?' YouTube videos out of curiosity. Definitely gave me an ego boost. I saw that I am still very average, though this is in an area I thought I was less than average, so... I came to the conclusion a while ago that average isn't so bad.

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#506928 - Yesterday at 11:12 AM Re: Husband's insecurities [Re: Nalh78]
Ceremony Offline


Registered: 09/14/16
Posts: 780
Loc: Minnesota
Hello Nalh78, I've had this issue since bullies put it into my psyche. Bullies who said I was a dickless faggot, at pre-puberty age 12-13. They already had been in or through puberty, but me, late and small, I was their target, their victim! I think in my way, I'm able to understand every man from all time, who has an issue of fear and self loathing about their size. I'm also a big man, it's like, if only I were under 6' tall, at least proportion might work in my favor. But, nope, I had to be even taller!! So talk about frustrating. It created an intense dissociation about any understanding of relationships with whom I have been attracted.

I not only couldn't work up courage to seek a girlfriend, I had to just fall into it. Eventually, in my early 20's that happened and as it turned out, mutual satisfaction was fully achieved. I couldn't possibly have predicted that, it was obvious to me, what is she thinking, how is this even possible? I can't imagine you get this past I'm relating, but I think maybe, you can see the thoughts of a male, the interactive role we have with our partner, that makes it Ok. I think your aha moment has already occurred, but, well, I am working on this issue, and well, I'm hoping he's doing Ok?

I hope you're doing Ok? To me, to open up like this is two fold. I get to make another effort to either publicly humiliate myself, or self affirm and get validation, that dammit, I'm a human male who wants to accept himself like anyone! It's been a decades long slog for me, a really horrible and mentally brutal self destructive thinking path! Decades of the bullies voices playing pinball in my mind, leaving whip slashes where they go, and they just won't heal. It rages me up, gets me in a state of angst that is hard to calm.

So, that's one more thing to consider? How's his calm, how's yours? I really hope relating this, as a helping me, helping you is Ok? It's a big step for me, it's a very difficult thing for me to share this. It's new! Really new. Very few people have been given and opportunity to know this part of my fears, my humiliation. I have to stop the voice of derision and my fear and humiliation! I have to make it stop! The pain and rage have almost killed me at times, so, if I'm taking advantage, please, please forgive me. Your need is truly a concern of mine. I tend to just let go and type, or I might not have the courage to continue, so I did it, and here it is.


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