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#506419 - 02/12/17 10:39 AM Detached?
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 152
Loc: PA, USA
I read my assault post to my therapist. He commented that it was the facts, the events. He asked what did I feel during it? Everything I’ve ever talked about was the aftermath that crashed down as I stood there. It was a huge wave swallowing me. I told him I purposely tried to keep emotions out of the description. Now that I look at the question, I also don’t know know what I felt. The basics:

Confused
Bewildered
Scared
Gross
Frustrated
Defeated
Disgust
Dirty
Is this anger old or new, I don’t know
Humiliated

More accurately, I don’t sense the feelings, like they are behind something.
I don’t ever want to feel that hurt again. That’s not on the list is it?
They are just mere facts, I don’t feel them.

I was wondering if anyone else was like this. I guess I am kind of detached?
_________________________
Brian
Owning It https://owningitlog.wordpress.com

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#506433 - 02/12/17 05:36 PM Re: Detached? [Re: BDD]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3999
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Hi,Bri!
yeah. I'd say you are detached. It is a common reaction. We distance ourselves so that we don't have to feel the pain. After I told my T my story the first time he commented that I was so flat that I might have been reading the phone book. The feelings came later and at first they were a chaotic mess. I didn't know what I was feeling but it was confusing and overwhelming. I had to learn to disentangle them and identify them in order to feel and express them appropriately. It was not fun but was necessary in order to improve. And the bonus was that as well as feeling the negative emotions in a healthy way, I also gained some positive and pleasant ones that made life so much better. So keep working at it -- it does get better.

BTW I read a good deal of your blog and - in reference to your other post, i can assure you that you do very much belong here. Welcome.

Lee


Edited by traveler (02/12/17 05:38 PM)
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#506436 - 02/12/17 07:10 PM Re: Detached? [Re: traveler]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 152
Loc: PA, USA
Lee,

I am so damn good at not belonging I need to make sure I stay anchored, especially now. Your welcome really helps. and thank you for reading.

I'm scared but I am staying open. I know I am ready. Thank you, I know there is good after this, but hearing it from someone else is reassuring. It means so much that you wrote, I am not going to do let myself this alone. My T is good too.

Hurt is on the list, I don't like it, but I don't want to hide. I want to move on.

Thank you,
Bri

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#506459 - 02/13/17 04:31 PM Re: Detached? [Re: BDD]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 930
Loc: Southern US
There's the old joke
"Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?"
"I don't know and I don't care."

So many times in reading forum posts, a survivor has described their own feelings as NUMB. Maybe your word, DETACHED, would better describe it. Just the facts, mam. Just a recitation of who, what, when and where.

Early on, for me, to acknowledge the personal emotions and feelings that were always present seemed just too painful. I spent too much time trying to convince myself everything's fine no one cares or would understand why I haven't gotten over it and moved on.

But the painful truth is until I could take the feelings of guilt, shame, anger, self loathing and the host of other emotions and accept them as my own feelings, (not just something to talk about), nothing was going to change. It's not easy to face the resistance I put up to any change I secretly, but really knew had to be made.

Realizing you're detached from your emotions is a good starting point to owning them. It's completely understandable, and best wishes as you continue to pursue this with your T.

I agree with traveler concerning the blog. Having read it, I commend you for the honest, frank approach and hope by writing it all out it helps you continue on the road of recovery.
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up...Winston Churchill

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#506470 - 02/13/17 07:19 PM Re: Detached? [Re: Bluedogone]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 152
Loc: PA, USA
Hi Bluedogone,

Ha, I've been using the word "numb" the past few days. But for me detached is more accurate, I can list them, see them, tell you exactly why they are applicable, just not feel them. If I acknowledge the hurt, I start to feel.

I really thought about running away today, fire my therapist, delete my blog, burn my journals (get a divorce, close the business, etc)...the notion felt like fresh air! I think the daydream was some of that resistance you mentioned.

But that isn't what I want for that little boy, for me. I deserve better. He doesn't understand, but I finaly know he didn't do anything wrong. I am strong enough to let him feel. He's strong enough.

The writing has been so beneficial. Looking for the words has helped me to see what I am thinking and feeling (ahh!). To have a place where I am not going to hide is catharic to a sworn keeper-of-the-secrets.

Thank you,
Bri

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#506477 - 02/13/17 09:43 PM Re: Detached? [Re: BDD]
zookeeper Offline


Registered: 05/14/16
Posts: 499
Loc: Ohio
Brian
Absolutely. It seemed the harder I tried to access my feelings the more numb I became. I knew I should feel a certain way but didn't feel anything. Not happy. Not sad. Nada.

It was when I began to look at who I was, and to recount that experience that I began to connect. First with anger and shame and fear. Then with sorrow and loss. Finally with pity and love. Pity for them and love for myself.

Follow the steps, listen to T and keep in touch with who you are. You are a good man who is loved and admired and never, never alone!
Your friend
Zoo-B
_________________________
Never mistake an intermission for the finale.

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#506487 - 02/14/17 12:25 PM Re: Detached? [Re: zookeeper]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 152
Loc: PA, USA
Originally Posted By zookeeper
It was when I began to look at who I was, and to recount that experience that I began to connect.


Bri,
A different narrative has been emerging. The facts are the same, but I am seeing myself at the time of the assault in such a different light, as a child. And I am allowing him to be just a 5 year old kid. How could I ever have expected him to shoulder this, to understand it? My old contempt was a barrier. I am opening up compassion for him.

Thank you,
Bri

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#506603 - 02/16/17 07:09 PM Re: Detached? [Re: BDD]
zookeeper Offline


Registered: 05/14/16
Posts: 499
Loc: Ohio
Oh my friend, we were just babies. I would think of asking a 5 year old to take the responsibility for what happened to either of us. Seeing myself for what I was, an abused baby boy, led to immense grief and then immense healing. I wish the latter for you.
Brian
_________________________
Never mistake an intermission for the finale.

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#506635 - 02/17/17 01:11 PM Re: Detached? [Re: zookeeper]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 152
Loc: PA, USA
Bri,

I have therapy today. I am scared but ready. My body is twisted, muscle spasm in my back. It's OK, it has to do something. I can't really concentrate, that's OK, I kind of took the day off (when your self employed your never really off) I know the answer, just not the words. I'll figure it out

Thank you for you words and wishes.
-Bri

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#506684 - Yesterday at 11:05 PM Re: Detached? [Re: BDD]
zookeeper Offline


Registered: 05/14/16
Posts: 499
Loc: Ohio
Bri
Great work and keep at it. You may find that, suddenly, you have made a great deal of progress!
B
_________________________
Never mistake an intermission for the finale.

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